Enough

“It’s good enough just being me.”

There may only be a handful of people who remember that Elder Hales spoke those words at a normal, regular Sacrament Meeting in the Holladay 29^th Ward many years ago. (Normal, aside from the fact that a member of the Quorum of the Twelve was speaking to us!) His words had a big impact on me.

This was one of two messages that stood out to me*. Mostly because I didn’t expect an Apostle to be preaching self-acceptance; if anything, I would have expected a message on charity, or selfless service to others, or sacrificing yourself for the sake of others, etc. But his message was, essentially, love yourself.

And this wasn’t just a message, it was instruction. He instructed us to go home that day, look at ourselves in a mirror and say, “it’s good enough just being me.” I felt that I needed to take his counsel. I went home, as instructed. I stood in front of the mirror, as instructed (I’m already feeling uncomfortable at this point). I look at myself, but not in the eyes, and I hear Elder Hales’ voice in my head, telling me what to say, and… I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t voice the words that were echoing through my mind. I just couldn’t say it. And I was so disappointed in myself – ashamed, actually.

I couldn’t say those words, because I didn’t believe them. The idea, the concept, was foreign to me. I had tried the experiment in the hopes that by saying it out loud it would help me believe it, but when it came to the actual moment, I couldn’t do it. It felt too false and I didn’t want to voice a lie.

It is many years later, now, and I have learned many things since that time. I have learned that I grew up in a shaming environment. (Side Note: I don’t want you read the word “shame” and hear “bad,” “unloving,” “harsh,” etc. My parents were loving and generous and made enormous sacrifices for our happiness. We did have many, many good times. But in spite of their good intentions, the nature of our interpersonal interactions had the effect of instilling shame in me; unintentionally, certainly, but constantly there, just the same.)

For those who may not really know the difference between guilt and shame, it boils down to this. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.”

Shame is concrete. Heavy. Immutable. Immovable. Shame is like a virus on identity, it hijacks it and starts replicating itself, producing more and more until the whole system is overwhelmed, ultimately altering identity. It can lead to breakdown, as in illness, or in some cases, it does lead to death, typically suicide. Shame can become so pervasive that it seems that the only way out from under it, is to destroy the self completely - annihilate the self, altogether. At least, that’s how it felt for me.

Shame became a source of fear. I never felt safe. Shame became a foggy, fun-house mirror. I could never see myself clearly. When I did look in the mirror, what I saw was someone who was ugly; someone deserving of punishment and suffering; someone who was worthless. Someone who was never enough.

I suppose, to be fair, there are lots of reasons why someone might feel like they are “not enough,” but for me, it was shame. So when I tried to follow a prophet’s counsel that day, the reason I couldn’t speak those words was because, when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was shame. I KNEW I wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t just a thought, or a feeling, or a suspicion, or even a belief, it was knowledge – certain, factual knowledge – that I wasn’t good enough. You know what’s really interesting? I don’t even know what I “wasn’t enough” for! If you had asked me, “what is it you’re not good enough for?” I would have looked at you with a dumbfounded, blank stare. “I don’t know... life?” I might’ve said. But that’s kind of why “not good enough” can seem so powerful, because it’s all encompassing. It can apply to anything. Oh, you like to paint? You’re not good enough to be a real artist. Oh, you like to sing? You’re not good enough to be a professional singer. (Heck, you’re not even good enough to sing in the shower, let alone in front of other people.) Oh, you actually like school? You’re not smart enough to get straight A’s like everyone else does. Oh, you like to be active? You’re REALLY not good enough to deserve being thin and athletic. And so on and so on…

But I told myself, there IS a way to be enough, isn’t there? I mean, there just HAS to be. Wait - I know! “Perfection.” (You see where I’m going with this?) If I could just be perfect and not EVER mess up or make a mistake, if I were perfect, then I would be good enough, then I would measure up, then I would be successful and happy and have no trials…, and all the other lies that go along with “being perfect.”

Because for all of us mortals currently kickin’ it here on Earth, perfection isn’t realistic. Earth life IS a place for us to perform, but it is not the “performance” state, it is the “preparatory” state. Essentially, life is one big practice round where we are learning to eventually become perfect one day, long into the future. (Bodies are weird; we need time to learn how to deal with them!) Yet I act like this dress rehearsal is the last game of the season and if I mess up, I’m toast. (Yes, I know I’m mixing metaphors; oh look, another imperfection…!)

The other problem with perfection? Besides not being attainable in this life? I have the idea that it seems to carry the promise of relief. Perfect people don’t have trials, or pain, right? I mean, they’re perfect, so nothing bothers them or gets to them; they never get overwhelmed or frustrated or angry. Life for perfect people is blissfully happy and serene, right? Isn’t that ultimate peace/relief? No pain, no trials, no burdens… no shame? All for the price of just being perfect; just being good enough.

That’s the dynamic that keeps me in a shame loop: Perfection is the antidote to shame, so I try to be perfect. But because I’m a “not perfect” human, I mess up and when I mess up I feel shame for not being perfect, but I know that being perfect will cure the shame because then I won’t have anything to be ashamed of, so I try to be perfect, only to mess up, shame myself and so on and so forth.

But every argument is based on suppositions and I’ve got some doozies here that are quite false. For example, the idea that perfection means the removal of trials/pain. The Savior was the most perfect person to ever walk the earth, and not only was he not spared from experiencing pain, he was actually made to endure a pain that is unfathomable by man. The most perfect man suffered the greatest pain - ever. Also, there is scriptural support for the idea that God, our Heavenly Father (and the Savior), feels sorrow, sadness, jealousy, anger, wrath even. I mean, come on – seriously, wrath? I don’t think I’ve ever felt wrath. But apparently He does, and He IS perfect. So even if I could be perfect, it wouldn’t relieve me of feeling pain and sorrow.

One might throw in a valid objection here, “…but aside from being capable of feeling sorrow, being perfect means you don’t have to worry about having done anything to feel ashamed of.”And you’d be right. Which leads me to a harsh truth – you ARE going to do things wrong. You aren’t going to do things perfectly because you can’t – you are human and flawed and fallible, and it’s okay!! Heavenly Father allowed you to be this way for a reason. If he wanted you to BE perfect right now, He would make you perfect right now. Because of all these things, the “harsh reality truth” is that, when it comes to perfection you’re best isn’t good enough, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t good enough.

So what does it mean?

I think it means this: you came here to learn how to be perfect, but, much like learning to play an instrument (or a sport or any new skill for that matter), you have to make a lot of wrong notes in order to learn how to play the right ones. With ongoing, long-term, consistent practice, eventually, you learn to play all the right notes, to play it perfectly, but playing it perfectly doesn’t make you any more important or worthy than you already were while you were practicing, it just means you’ve improved your ability in that skill. This life is all about learning to be perfect one day (i.e., through practice) and not to be perfect right now.

There is also the false assumption that perfection equals protection. This is the idea that if I’m good enough, i.e., perfect, I will be protected from having bad things happen to me. I mean, don’t we read that in the scriptures? That when His people are faithful the Lord lightens their burdens so that they can’t feel them? By that definition alone, I’ve never been good enough. I have burdens!! And I feel them!! Far from being removed, they haven’t been lightened (that I’m aware of). I mean how can you go through life, feeling occasionally suicidal and still believe that your burdens have been “lightened?” You can’t! At least, I can’t anyway. But much like feeling “bad” things, perfection, even if I had it, wouldn’t protect me from bad things happening. The Lord may have lightened burdens for his faithful people, but they were still in bondage… Being perfect didn’t protect the Savior from ridicule, hatred and scorn. It didn’t protect him from being crucified.

So it starts to feel hopeless. If being perfect doesn’t prevent bad things from happening, what’s the point of trying? The point is, we were meant to grow to be like our Father in Heaven – some day. Meaning, perfection IS attainable, but it has to be learned and learning takes… you guessed it – trial and error. You may not be good enough to be perfect right now, but you are good enough to be learning how to be perfect some day.

Maybe this is, in part, why President Boyd K. Packer said:

“It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. Teach our members that if they have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out. There is great purpose in our struggle in life” (That All May Be Edified [1982], 94, emphasis added).

I guess my point is this: My best isn’t good enough to be perfect, but it is good enough for just about everything else. In other words, for right now, “it’s good enough just being me.”

*The other message was how strengths can also be weaknesses, which kind of blew my mind, but more on that another time.

Don't feel obligated to read this post... it's long... and maybe just needed to be written, more than read...

I can't believe the year is half over (or half-full, depending on how you look at life?)!! So, yeah, half-over...

I'm kind of cynical these days and, I'll be honest, maybe a little bit depressed. My expectation for where I'd be right now is SO different from where I am.  And I mean "where" in both a literal and abstract sense. I did not expect to be single and living with my mom at the age of 35. I did not expect to be needing gas and food money at this point in my life. It's all the more difficult for having been independent for so long. Not that I'm not grateful, because I am. I wouldn't be surviving right now with out her help and I know she likes to be able to help. But there's something about being a guy that makes me feel less of a man for having to be so dependent. It's humbling and, frankly, I don't like it. I probably need it though... :)

Also, I never saw myself as being unemployed, overweight and single at this "where" in my life either. In my mind I saw myself as being much more successful regarding employment, weight loss/improved health, certainly married with a kid or two, etc. But it hasn't happened. I guess what's hard is that I only have myself to blame. If it didn't happen, it's because I didn't make it happen. I obviously made the choices that did NOT lead to the outcome I expected or wanted. Right now I'm trying to NOT beat myself up for that, but honestly... self-pity is soooo easy and comes soooo naturally to me!! I'm sure that's the bulk of my problem right there...

I wish I could live inside the mind of a really healthy person and see what it's like. What's it like to always make the right choices? What's it like to be positive all the time and be able to put a positive spin on things, even when challenges occur? I've never been the motivational-Tony Robbins-lets-go-out-and-crush-the-world kind of guy. I admire people like that. People who set their mind to something and are successful at it no matter the cost. That's not me - I'm much more passive.

Being unemployed, I've had a lot of time to think about this. What I've uncovered is a deep-seated "core" belief that it's wrong to feel good about myself. I have no idea where or when this started. I have no idea what event or events lead to this being the case, but it's very clear to me now that this belief has underscored much of my belief system as a whole and how I approach life. Essentially, I approach life as if I'm undeserving and not good enough (i.e., I don't "measure up"). It's at the heart of why I'm afraid of everything - I'm afraid that I won't be equal to whatever task is before me and even if I do achieve some measure of success, I'm afraid I don't deserve it.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, you know what would be really cool? Getting inside the mind of a really healthy person and then putting that person back into my life and see how they handle things. From the moment they wake up in my life to the moment they go to bed, what different choices would they make and why? Of course it's just a thought experiment, typical of someone who tends to over-think everything, and not really anything that can bring resolution.

I'm not sure what my self-effacing beliefs buy me. Maybe it's a sense of false-humility. You know, the idea that "I'm humble because I hate myself?" Which is NOT what humility is, and I know that now, but maybe when I was a little kid I didn't know that...

Much more likely is the sense that self-loathing is somehow penance. It's possible that it grew out of a desire to "pay for my sins." It's the idea that I deserve to be punished because I did something wrong. Quite frankly, I did a lot of things wrong and felt that I deserved to be punished and that somehow God's punishment wouldn't be enough. I had to multiply His punishment by punishing myself. I suppose some people turn to physical means of punishment, but I turned to emotional means of punishment. Phrases with hurtful labels like "I'm so stupid, I'm so ugly/fat, I'm such a moron, I'm such an idiot," etc. ran through my mind so frequently that, eventually, the feelings that accompanied those thoughts just never went away. Feeling bad about myself became normal, status quo, just... who I am.

I think it's at the heart of why I feel I have to be perfect. Being perfect is the only way to make up for all the terrible things I did when I was younger. I could NOT allow myself to mess up or make a mistake. I held myself to a higher standard because anything less meant I wasn't good enough. And isn't that the expected standard? Aren't we commanded by the Savior himself to be perfect? So that was my justification for why I was right to expect perfection and condemn (within myself) anything that wasn't. And - bonus! - because I'm human and mess-up constantly, I had plenty of opportunity to berate myself and see my faults and flaws as PROOF that I was worthless. I was supposed to be perfect, but couldn't be and because I couldn't, I was worthless. The fault was always mine. It was always there, that feeling that there was just something wrong within me. That I, or my entire being, was somehow wrong.

Hence my love of hating myself. Depression? You betcha! Suicidal thoughts? Check! Actually, I don't think anyone knows that about me, or at least, they didn't until just now. A couple of times in Junior High, High School and later years, I was pretty close to suicide. Really close, actually. Ironically, I never went through with it because I knew I would mess that up too!

You know what I just realized? Self-pity gives you an odd sense of power over other people. It allows you to make other people around you helpless. Because the problem is within me, no one else can fix it and on some level I know this. So I tell people how horrible my life is because it gives me their pity, which is a twisted form of attention, but it also justifies my depression/self-loathing. And because there's nothing anyone can do to change that, it reinforces itself - it perpetuates itself. It's just another way of feeling good about feeling bad about myself. (This is kind of a major breakthrough for me!!)

The realization is half the battle. Now that I know this I want to be able to wake up tomorrow totally different, but I know that these negative beliefs are very well ingrained. The neural pathways that underlie these connections are hard-wired at this point. But I do know that the mind is capable of changing those pathways, but that it takes time and constant, conscientious, reinforcement. I suddenly feel like I'm not up to the task. See? I'm already battling myself on these things.

This is going to take some doing. I can see that. But it is possible. I've been so busy punishing myself that I've hardly had time to acknowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and truly wants to help me. I haven't allowed the Savior to help me either, because I felt like I had to do everything on my own. It is also a self-inflicted punishment to deny the Savior's atoning sacrifice to work in my life. To refuse His grace. I need help knowing how to do that now. I need help knowing how to accept myself as a fallible human being, full of faults and flaws and knowing that I can't be perfect here, in this life, and that that's okay. Because for so long, it hasn't been.

I think I see now why I'm not "where" I wanted to be. I've been my own worst enemy. Granted, there is an adversary, pushing me to hate myself, but he never forced my hand. The poor choices I made were my own. And my thought patterns and beliefs have been working against me my entire life. I'm starting to feel like it's a miracle that I've achieved anything. That I'm even still here.

I have too many thoughts and emotions running through my mind and heart right now and all I can think is, how do I end this on a positive note?!? I realize now that what started as an update, was really something I've been needing to acknowledge for myself for awhile now. I was about to delete all of this and put it in another journal, but I've decided not to. It might be inappropriate for me to have put such personal things out there. But perhaps they had power over me precisely because I was afraid of acknowledging them. I so often retreat within myself, rather than reaching out and asking for help. This is my way of saying, "I'm not afraid anymore." And, if I'm right, I'm probably not alone in my "faulty" beliefs and if there's anyone out there who can be helped by knowing you're not alone, then it's worth it.

I have known and been loved by so many wonderful people in my lifetime. To those of you who fit that category, I'm so sorry that I was too broken to really appreciate you. I pray that from now on I can really let you in and feel like I'm worth it.