These were taken up at Stewart Falls - not far from Sundance.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Stewart Falls
Look! There are fun things in my life too!! :)
These were taken up at Stewart Falls - not far from Sundance.
These were taken up at Stewart Falls - not far from Sundance.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Fear: A study in black and white (part three)
I realize I have a tendency to ramble, so let's hope this "part three" is the final post in this (now) series of posts...
The vast world of electronic information, whether analog or digital, can fundamentally be broken down into 1's and 0's. This binary code means either "yes" or "no;" "on" or "off." It's straightforward and "black and white." We depend on this simple system to essentially run our electronic lives. But does this translate into other areas of our lives, such as morality (right or wrong), religion (sinner or saint), self-concept (worthless or worthful)?
Long before I understood electronic communication or religious dogma, I classified the world into good and bad (correlating that with positive and negative). I imagine those are concepts that are easiest for children to understand and I would surmise they form the foundation of black and white thinking. While I think this is acceptable, even advisable, for forming a foundation in life, it makes me wonder - if this is just the foundation, what is built on top of it?
I suppose what I'm really wondering is, how have my beliefs in a world of good and bad (black and white) evolved? Or have they? What if that system of classifying things into a good camp or a bad camp never really changed? I mean it still works, right? Some things are good, some are bad and it's helpful to label them as such. But what about the gray?
I see that there are shades of gray in life. Not everyone who is good is 100% good; not everyone who is bad is 100% bad. I see this in the scriptures. Early in the Book of Mormon, the Lamanites were wicked, but praised by Jacob because they loved their wives and did not have concubines. In the bible, Jonah was a prophet, but ran from his duty. In a very short, but profound verse in the book of Ether, Moriantion did justice to the people (good), but did not do justice to himself (bad) and so did not qualify for the spirit of the Lord (Ether 10:11).
I see shades of gray in the world, but I haven't see them in my life. Either I am good or I am bad - there is no in-between. This all or nothing thinking leads to despair. How can anyone keep the commandment to be perfect, all the while being doomed to be a sinner? Prefect is a pretty strict qualification. It doesn't allow for sins or mistakes. Which means I can pretty much peg the sealing of my eternal destruction to about 5 hours (give or take) after my baptism when I had a bad thought! One bad thought? BAM! You're done - it's over, finished. Game over. You lose. There is no consolation prize, but thanks for coming anyway.
According to a black and white thinker anyway. Which, is obviously not the case in the real world. Why give a commandemnt to be perfect, then say you have to learn everything "line upon line and precept upon precept?" Doesn't that seem the teensiest bit contradictory? To me it's saying, essentially, "You HAVE to be perfect to get into heaven, but, unfortunately, you're not ever going to be perfect while you're on earth. So..., good luck with that."
What I've been (purposely) omitting here (for literary emphasis) is the Mediator that joins the expectation (commandment to be perfect) with the possible outcomes (salvation/eternal life or damnation). Since this post is not a discussion of the Savior's role or mission, it will suffice me to say, He allows for the shades of gray and a lack of appreciation for Him in my life, leads to a lack of appreciation for progress or the process of learning.
But this is a post about the impact of black and white thinking. Which I think I must have already stated in this and the previous two posts: Not making any allowance for the grays of life can lead to misery and hopelessness/despair. Or HAS lead to misery, hopelessness, and despair, I should say, because that is the impact it has had. No wonder I am so hard on myself and feel that I deserve to be punished, if I can only be either a sinner or a saint and I sin, that makes me a sinner. Since sinning is bad, I'm bad, and the negative lables just keep coming.
The truth is, I'm not a vile sinner, although I do sin at times. The truth is, I'm not a saintly person, although I am obedient at times. The truth, is that I'm somewhere in between the sliding scale of black and white and my life is filled with grays. As an artist at heart, I should really appreciate that more. When drawing/painting, the grays (shadows) add depth and dimension; they add contour and prespective. This is just like in life - the challenge of having a dual nature within is to subdue one and build the other. This process is just that, a process. I've been so focused on the destination, that I haven't given any thought to the necessity of the process of learning and growing. I haven't allowed myself to appreciate the depth, dimension, contour and perspective that experience (i.e., the process of learning) brings.
No, I'm not perfect; I still have work to do to be more obedient. No, I'm not skinny, but I'm still probably healthier than I've ever been. No, I'm not the top of my class, but I've had three people this week (independently) tell me that they are glad I am in this class. I think that means, that for the most part, people seem to like me the way I am and my true friends want me to be better and encourage me to be better, but also accept me for who I am, the way I am. [As a side note, this has long been my definition of true love and what I am ultimately seeking in an eternal companion: Someone who sees the potential of what I can become, but loves me for who I am now.]
My goal is to see life like a magnet, which I think can encompass my evolving belief system.
1. The black and white - A positive pole and a negative pole: yes, the fact that there is a right and wrong exists.
2. The shades of gray - The pull between the two: life rarely happens at one end of the pole. Most of life is the struggle between being pulled toward either end and the choices we make impact which end holds sway.
Sorry, again, for the SUPER long post, but I had to put my [chromatic] thoughts down into black and white (HA! How's that for irony?)!!
The vast world of electronic information, whether analog or digital, can fundamentally be broken down into 1's and 0's. This binary code means either "yes" or "no;" "on" or "off." It's straightforward and "black and white." We depend on this simple system to essentially run our electronic lives. But does this translate into other areas of our lives, such as morality (right or wrong), religion (sinner or saint), self-concept (worthless or worthful)?
Long before I understood electronic communication or religious dogma, I classified the world into good and bad (correlating that with positive and negative). I imagine those are concepts that are easiest for children to understand and I would surmise they form the foundation of black and white thinking. While I think this is acceptable, even advisable, for forming a foundation in life, it makes me wonder - if this is just the foundation, what is built on top of it?
I suppose what I'm really wondering is, how have my beliefs in a world of good and bad (black and white) evolved? Or have they? What if that system of classifying things into a good camp or a bad camp never really changed? I mean it still works, right? Some things are good, some are bad and it's helpful to label them as such. But what about the gray?
I see that there are shades of gray in life. Not everyone who is good is 100% good; not everyone who is bad is 100% bad. I see this in the scriptures. Early in the Book of Mormon, the Lamanites were wicked, but praised by Jacob because they loved their wives and did not have concubines. In the bible, Jonah was a prophet, but ran from his duty. In a very short, but profound verse in the book of Ether, Moriantion did justice to the people (good), but did not do justice to himself (bad) and so did not qualify for the spirit of the Lord (Ether 10:11).
I see shades of gray in the world, but I haven't see them in my life. Either I am good or I am bad - there is no in-between. This all or nothing thinking leads to despair. How can anyone keep the commandment to be perfect, all the while being doomed to be a sinner? Prefect is a pretty strict qualification. It doesn't allow for sins or mistakes. Which means I can pretty much peg the sealing of my eternal destruction to about 5 hours (give or take) after my baptism when I had a bad thought! One bad thought? BAM! You're done - it's over, finished. Game over. You lose. There is no consolation prize, but thanks for coming anyway.
According to a black and white thinker anyway. Which, is obviously not the case in the real world. Why give a commandemnt to be perfect, then say you have to learn everything "line upon line and precept upon precept?" Doesn't that seem the teensiest bit contradictory? To me it's saying, essentially, "You HAVE to be perfect to get into heaven, but, unfortunately, you're not ever going to be perfect while you're on earth. So..., good luck with that."
What I've been (purposely) omitting here (for literary emphasis) is the Mediator that joins the expectation (commandment to be perfect) with the possible outcomes (salvation/eternal life or damnation). Since this post is not a discussion of the Savior's role or mission, it will suffice me to say, He allows for the shades of gray and a lack of appreciation for Him in my life, leads to a lack of appreciation for progress or the process of learning.
But this is a post about the impact of black and white thinking. Which I think I must have already stated in this and the previous two posts: Not making any allowance for the grays of life can lead to misery and hopelessness/despair. Or HAS lead to misery, hopelessness, and despair, I should say, because that is the impact it has had. No wonder I am so hard on myself and feel that I deserve to be punished, if I can only be either a sinner or a saint and I sin, that makes me a sinner. Since sinning is bad, I'm bad, and the negative lables just keep coming.
The truth is, I'm not a vile sinner, although I do sin at times. The truth is, I'm not a saintly person, although I am obedient at times. The truth, is that I'm somewhere in between the sliding scale of black and white and my life is filled with grays. As an artist at heart, I should really appreciate that more. When drawing/painting, the grays (shadows) add depth and dimension; they add contour and prespective. This is just like in life - the challenge of having a dual nature within is to subdue one and build the other. This process is just that, a process. I've been so focused on the destination, that I haven't given any thought to the necessity of the process of learning and growing. I haven't allowed myself to appreciate the depth, dimension, contour and perspective that experience (i.e., the process of learning) brings.
No, I'm not perfect; I still have work to do to be more obedient. No, I'm not skinny, but I'm still probably healthier than I've ever been. No, I'm not the top of my class, but I've had three people this week (independently) tell me that they are glad I am in this class. I think that means, that for the most part, people seem to like me the way I am and my true friends want me to be better and encourage me to be better, but also accept me for who I am, the way I am. [As a side note, this has long been my definition of true love and what I am ultimately seeking in an eternal companion: Someone who sees the potential of what I can become, but loves me for who I am now.]
My goal is to see life like a magnet, which I think can encompass my evolving belief system.
1. The black and white - A positive pole and a negative pole: yes, the fact that there is a right and wrong exists.
2. The shades of gray - The pull between the two: life rarely happens at one end of the pole. Most of life is the struggle between being pulled toward either end and the choices we make impact which end holds sway.
Sorry, again, for the SUPER long post, but I had to put my [chromatic] thoughts down into black and white (HA! How's that for irony?)!!
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Fear: A study in black and white (part two)
Just to recap - the gist of my last post was basically that I am afraid of my own thoughts, especially, the thoughts (fears) I project onto others. Which makes me feel like I'm afraid of everything, but in reality I'm afraid of nothing (I know thoughts aren't "nothing," but I'm trying to capture the fleeting and changing nature of thoughts, implying a lack of a "foundation," i.e., so fleeting it feels like nothing).
I've tried to find and examine some of the underlying beliefs that feed into these thoughts and, consequently, my fears, so that I can do something about them. Some of the beliefs I've identified are these:
But seeing these beliefs, which now exist orthographically, I realize why happiness and self-esteem have been so elusive - with these kind of thoughts, I'm defeated before I begin!
Which leads me to the black and white.
These faulty core beliefs, or FCB's for short, have no gray area. Based on these beliefs I have to be one way or another, there is no middle ground and there is no allowance for the PROCESS of learning. That is, trying, failing, practicing, succeeding, etc. It's like saying if I'm gonna play football then I have to pick up a football and throw the ball perfectly, every single time, from the first pass to the last. How realistic is that? Not at all!! Athletes spend their entire careers trying to improve. Nobody was perfect the first time they did something; there's always a learning curve. But I expect myself to be perfect, because according to my FCB's either I am perfect at something or I'm a failure. (I must be like the therapists version of a "golden" investigator!)
I'm afraid of looking stupid, or being seen as stupid because it's proves that I'm not good enough (FCB #1 and #5). So I avoid life. I keep myself safe. Safety is a big deal. It's amazing what misery and disfunction I'll put up with in order to maintain safety. I think I've developed all the problems in my life as a way of keeping myself safe. But safe from what? What is the danger that is so terrifying that I'm willing to discount my very existence to avoid it? Nothing. Even now, I can't come up with anything. How can I be so afraid of something that I can't even idenfity, let alone define?
While the "great fear" remains elusive, in the meantime, I still have to acknowledge that regardless of what I'm afraid of, these FCB's are what's preventing me from really being the man I want to be and they have to change. I have to change them. That thought is terrifying. My FCB's fight me every step of the way: what if I try to change, but fail (FCB #4 and #3)? What if I'm not really worth changing (FCB #1 and #2)? And the cycle continues.
Can anything break that cycle? YES!! I don't know what people of other faiths hold on to in times like these. I am grateful for the Gospel, however limited I am in my understanding of it, because it gives me the tools that I know will break this cycle. There are many tools, but I think the two most powerful tools in this instance are Faith and Agency. There's a reason faith is the foundation of our belief system. I must have faith that my FCB's are just that, faulty. I must have faith that if the fruit of these thoughts is misery that they can not be from a loving Heavenly Father. These beliefs are not what he would chose for me to believe about myself, but he can't choose for me. Leading to the next tool - agency. He can't force me to choose a belief system, but he allows me to choose. That's what agency is. The freedom to make choices. He has given me the power to change. Perhaps even more than just the power, along with agency, he's actually given me the responsibility to choose for myself.
It's quite the double edged sword. I am able to choose happiness; but that also means whatever misery exists in my life, is of my choosing. If I feel like a victim, it's only because I have victimized myself. I chose to belief such horrible things about myself. And now I can choose to change them. It's like a roller-coaster ride: thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.
You know, as I've been typing I think I've come to the conclusion that what I'm really afraid of is being wrong and being useless. I certainly think that a fear of being wrong is due to pride, but in my case I think that's over-simplifying. I think being wrong represents some pride and also FCB's #1, #3, and #5. In any case, all 5 FCB's are just various aspects of being wrong and/or useless. If I've been a member of the church my whole life and had the gospel the whole time; and if everything about the gospel says that I am important and needed; how did I develop such wrong beliefs? Misperception of how and why other's treated me the way they did (even those, or perhaps especially those, of my own family) and misunderstanding other gospel principles, such a the true nature of humility, which I thought meant that I needed to discount myself and put myself last.
Here I am at the end of this blog post and I still haven't fully expressed the implication of black and white thinking in my life... I suppose that means a part three will follow at some point!
I apologize if all of this is too personal, but the more I talk to people, the more I feel like I'm not alone and that, maybe to some degree, we are afraid of sharing these things; maybe we think that we are the only ones or that others will think we are crazy. I guess this blog is one way to face and to fight my fears, so thanks for letting me share this. And if it helps you, just know that you are not alone.
I've tried to find and examine some of the underlying beliefs that feed into these thoughts and, consequently, my fears, so that I can do something about them. Some of the beliefs I've identified are these:
- I'm not good enough / I don't measure up
- I don't deserve to be happy / I deserve to be miserable
- I'll never amount to anything / I'm not important
- I'll fail (even I succeed for a moment), or something bad will happen to prevent me from succeeding
- I'm not capable
But seeing these beliefs, which now exist orthographically, I realize why happiness and self-esteem have been so elusive - with these kind of thoughts, I'm defeated before I begin!
Which leads me to the black and white.
These faulty core beliefs, or FCB's for short, have no gray area. Based on these beliefs I have to be one way or another, there is no middle ground and there is no allowance for the PROCESS of learning. That is, trying, failing, practicing, succeeding, etc. It's like saying if I'm gonna play football then I have to pick up a football and throw the ball perfectly, every single time, from the first pass to the last. How realistic is that? Not at all!! Athletes spend their entire careers trying to improve. Nobody was perfect the first time they did something; there's always a learning curve. But I expect myself to be perfect, because according to my FCB's either I am perfect at something or I'm a failure. (I must be like the therapists version of a "golden" investigator!)
I'm afraid of looking stupid, or being seen as stupid because it's proves that I'm not good enough (FCB #1 and #5). So I avoid life. I keep myself safe. Safety is a big deal. It's amazing what misery and disfunction I'll put up with in order to maintain safety. I think I've developed all the problems in my life as a way of keeping myself safe. But safe from what? What is the danger that is so terrifying that I'm willing to discount my very existence to avoid it? Nothing. Even now, I can't come up with anything. How can I be so afraid of something that I can't even idenfity, let alone define?
While the "great fear" remains elusive, in the meantime, I still have to acknowledge that regardless of what I'm afraid of, these FCB's are what's preventing me from really being the man I want to be and they have to change. I have to change them. That thought is terrifying. My FCB's fight me every step of the way: what if I try to change, but fail (FCB #4 and #3)? What if I'm not really worth changing (FCB #1 and #2)? And the cycle continues.
Can anything break that cycle? YES!! I don't know what people of other faiths hold on to in times like these. I am grateful for the Gospel, however limited I am in my understanding of it, because it gives me the tools that I know will break this cycle. There are many tools, but I think the two most powerful tools in this instance are Faith and Agency. There's a reason faith is the foundation of our belief system. I must have faith that my FCB's are just that, faulty. I must have faith that if the fruit of these thoughts is misery that they can not be from a loving Heavenly Father. These beliefs are not what he would chose for me to believe about myself, but he can't choose for me. Leading to the next tool - agency. He can't force me to choose a belief system, but he allows me to choose. That's what agency is. The freedom to make choices. He has given me the power to change. Perhaps even more than just the power, along with agency, he's actually given me the responsibility to choose for myself.
It's quite the double edged sword. I am able to choose happiness; but that also means whatever misery exists in my life, is of my choosing. If I feel like a victim, it's only because I have victimized myself. I chose to belief such horrible things about myself. And now I can choose to change them. It's like a roller-coaster ride: thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.
You know, as I've been typing I think I've come to the conclusion that what I'm really afraid of is being wrong and being useless. I certainly think that a fear of being wrong is due to pride, but in my case I think that's over-simplifying. I think being wrong represents some pride and also FCB's #1, #3, and #5. In any case, all 5 FCB's are just various aspects of being wrong and/or useless. If I've been a member of the church my whole life and had the gospel the whole time; and if everything about the gospel says that I am important and needed; how did I develop such wrong beliefs? Misperception of how and why other's treated me the way they did (even those, or perhaps especially those, of my own family) and misunderstanding other gospel principles, such a the true nature of humility, which I thought meant that I needed to discount myself and put myself last.
Here I am at the end of this blog post and I still haven't fully expressed the implication of black and white thinking in my life... I suppose that means a part three will follow at some point!
I apologize if all of this is too personal, but the more I talk to people, the more I feel like I'm not alone and that, maybe to some degree, we are afraid of sharing these things; maybe we think that we are the only ones or that others will think we are crazy. I guess this blog is one way to face and to fight my fears, so thanks for letting me share this. And if it helps you, just know that you are not alone.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Fear: A study in black and white (part one)
A typical morning:
I wake up suddenly. My heart begins to race. Panicky, I ask myself, "what day is it? What time is it? Am I late for something? What do I have going on today? School? Work? Clients?" These questions race through my mind and once I answer them, I realize that I haven't been breathing, so I take a deep breath. I feel my heart pounding and I'm not sure what I'm so anxious about...
That's just a small sample of what it's like to wake up afraid; I suppose I mean that's a sample of what it's like to live afraid, because it's not unsual for these feelings to recurr throughout the day in any number of circumstances.
One question I have been pondering for weeks, if not months, is "what am I afraid of?" What fears are so prevalent in my life that they are with me from the instant I wake up each day?
Then it occurred to me, the reason I've been asking this question for months and not coming up with an answer is becuase what I'm afriad of is - everything and nothing. How do I explain?
One of my biggest fears is that I am afraid of what other people may think about me. So, essentially, I'm afraid of other people's thoughts. That's ridiculous. I know - even as I type this I see how illogical it is to be afraid of what other people are thinking, and yet, the fear I experience is absolutely real - just ask my racing thoughts and beating heart... that has to come from somewhere, right? There's another flaw in this line of thinking - how do I know what other people are thinking? A-HA! That's the key - I DON'T know what other people are thinking - I can't possibly know what other people are thinking. So in reality, my fear is only what I THINK other people are thinking. When I think other people are condemning me, that's coming from within me. When I think other people are looking at me and looking down on me because of my weight, or anything else, that's coming from within me.
Now, to be fair to myself, I WAS actually made fun of quite a lot when I was a child - so there IS a foundation from my own experience in this fear; kids are a lot more vocal about what they're thinking. So I think a part of me has just assumed that whatever it is in other people that makes them want to make fun of me, never really went away, it just went "non-verbal," i.e., stays within their thoughts. Okay, let's assume that's true. Let's say my fears are founded and people really are thinking poorly of me, judging me, condemning me, etc. Why should that make me afraid?
The answer is - disapproval eats right to the center of my deepest fear which is that I'm not good enough; that I don't "measure" up; that I'm inadequate; that I am worthless. When I disappoint someone by not being perfect, when I sense that someone is judging me for my weight/appearance, etc., these things CONFIRM my fear of being inadequate. So that every day, at every turn, I'm afraid that my worthlessness will be confirmed. No wonder I wake up afraid! No wonder I go through life exepcting to fail! No wonder I go through life feeling sorry for myself (this is the fear/self-pity connection). I feel sorry for myself because I expect people will confirm what I fear or what I already believe. Therein lies the problem. I believe it. I'M the one who believes I'm worthless and inadequate. Those fears that I'm projecting on to others (as if I could somehow psychicly channel other people's thoughts) are really coming from within myself.
I've been pausing here for the last 10 minutes after writing the previous paragraph, letting it sink in. And I'm laughing to myself because all I can think if is a line from one of my favorite movies, How Do You Know?. It's Jack Nicholson's character and he says emphatically to his son, "You are a f***ing moron!" (Okay, I know that's not appropriate, but you're just going to have to trust me that it's hilarious the way he does it!)
But's that's how I feel right now - that I'm an "effing" moron!! It's like someone being afraid of bubble gum - it makes no sense! Why am I SO afraid of other people's condemnation?! I guess it's because I've never really known my own worth. I never really believed that I am important. Since I didn't believe in myself, I learned to put more stock on other people's opinion's over my own. I've basically left it up to other people to decide my worth, but the problem is, as I've already stated, I can't really know what people are thinking, so it's really just my own inadequacies I see "reflected" from others.
Sorry this post is so long... I haven't even gotten to the black and white part yet. That will have to wait for another day; introspection takes its toll and I'm kind of burned out at the moment...
Does any of this make sense, or should I be on medication? :)
I wake up suddenly. My heart begins to race. Panicky, I ask myself, "what day is it? What time is it? Am I late for something? What do I have going on today? School? Work? Clients?" These questions race through my mind and once I answer them, I realize that I haven't been breathing, so I take a deep breath. I feel my heart pounding and I'm not sure what I'm so anxious about...
That's just a small sample of what it's like to wake up afraid; I suppose I mean that's a sample of what it's like to live afraid, because it's not unsual for these feelings to recurr throughout the day in any number of circumstances.
One question I have been pondering for weeks, if not months, is "what am I afraid of?" What fears are so prevalent in my life that they are with me from the instant I wake up each day?
Then it occurred to me, the reason I've been asking this question for months and not coming up with an answer is becuase what I'm afriad of is - everything and nothing. How do I explain?
One of my biggest fears is that I am afraid of what other people may think about me. So, essentially, I'm afraid of other people's thoughts. That's ridiculous. I know - even as I type this I see how illogical it is to be afraid of what other people are thinking, and yet, the fear I experience is absolutely real - just ask my racing thoughts and beating heart... that has to come from somewhere, right? There's another flaw in this line of thinking - how do I know what other people are thinking? A-HA! That's the key - I DON'T know what other people are thinking - I can't possibly know what other people are thinking. So in reality, my fear is only what I THINK other people are thinking. When I think other people are condemning me, that's coming from within me. When I think other people are looking at me and looking down on me because of my weight, or anything else, that's coming from within me.
Now, to be fair to myself, I WAS actually made fun of quite a lot when I was a child - so there IS a foundation from my own experience in this fear; kids are a lot more vocal about what they're thinking. So I think a part of me has just assumed that whatever it is in other people that makes them want to make fun of me, never really went away, it just went "non-verbal," i.e., stays within their thoughts. Okay, let's assume that's true. Let's say my fears are founded and people really are thinking poorly of me, judging me, condemning me, etc. Why should that make me afraid?
The answer is - disapproval eats right to the center of my deepest fear which is that I'm not good enough; that I don't "measure" up; that I'm inadequate; that I am worthless. When I disappoint someone by not being perfect, when I sense that someone is judging me for my weight/appearance, etc., these things CONFIRM my fear of being inadequate. So that every day, at every turn, I'm afraid that my worthlessness will be confirmed. No wonder I wake up afraid! No wonder I go through life exepcting to fail! No wonder I go through life feeling sorry for myself (this is the fear/self-pity connection). I feel sorry for myself because I expect people will confirm what I fear or what I already believe. Therein lies the problem. I believe it. I'M the one who believes I'm worthless and inadequate. Those fears that I'm projecting on to others (as if I could somehow psychicly channel other people's thoughts) are really coming from within myself.
I've been pausing here for the last 10 minutes after writing the previous paragraph, letting it sink in. And I'm laughing to myself because all I can think if is a line from one of my favorite movies, How Do You Know?. It's Jack Nicholson's character and he says emphatically to his son, "You are a f***ing moron!" (Okay, I know that's not appropriate, but you're just going to have to trust me that it's hilarious the way he does it!)
But's that's how I feel right now - that I'm an "effing" moron!! It's like someone being afraid of bubble gum - it makes no sense! Why am I SO afraid of other people's condemnation?! I guess it's because I've never really known my own worth. I never really believed that I am important. Since I didn't believe in myself, I learned to put more stock on other people's opinion's over my own. I've basically left it up to other people to decide my worth, but the problem is, as I've already stated, I can't really know what people are thinking, so it's really just my own inadequacies I see "reflected" from others.
Sorry this post is so long... I haven't even gotten to the black and white part yet. That will have to wait for another day; introspection takes its toll and I'm kind of burned out at the moment...
Does any of this make sense, or should I be on medication? :)
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Weird progress
So, I looked in the mirror today and it took me a second to realize it was me (long story - don't ask).
BUT - at the moment I "recognized" myself, this is literally and verbatim the thought I had:
"Hmph, I'm not ugly."
Progress!!
BUT - at the moment I "recognized" myself, this is literally and verbatim the thought I had:
"Hmph, I'm not ugly."
Progress!!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Self-pity teaser
Did you know that fear and self-pity are related? Not even, like, distant, distant cousins or anything; they are like siblings!
I think I may have quite a bit to write about self-pity and feeling sorry for yourself because you know what they say, "if you're going to write, write about what you know."
Fear and self-pity are a bad combination - a TKO if you will and when I have time to stop being afraid of all the reports I have to write for school/clinic and feeling sorry for myself for having to write them, I'll blog my thoughts on the subject.
Laugh if you get this: "I threw a pity party, but no one came."
I think I may have quite a bit to write about self-pity and feeling sorry for yourself because you know what they say, "if you're going to write, write about what you know."
Fear and self-pity are a bad combination - a TKO if you will and when I have time to stop being afraid of all the reports I have to write for school/clinic and feeling sorry for myself for having to write them, I'll blog my thoughts on the subject.
Laugh if you get this: "I threw a pity party, but no one came."
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Things I've learned
So I complain a lot about grad school.
A lot.
Today, someone asked me how school was and I replied with the first thing that came into my mind: "I'm learning more about myself from grad school than my actual field of study."
I realized as soon as I said it that it was true. I have learned a bunch about different speech/language disorders, but I've learned even more about myself. Things I never knew I needed or wanted to learn.
I've learned that I am afraid of everything - success and failure; I allow my fears to guide thoughts, beliefs and behaviors.
That's about all I got for now...
...more on this later though...
A lot.
Today, someone asked me how school was and I replied with the first thing that came into my mind: "I'm learning more about myself from grad school than my actual field of study."
I realized as soon as I said it that it was true. I have learned a bunch about different speech/language disorders, but I've learned even more about myself. Things I never knew I needed or wanted to learn.
I've learned that I am afraid of everything - success and failure; I allow my fears to guide thoughts, beliefs and behaviors.
That's about all I got for now...
...more on this later though...
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Infinity
Infinity is a difficult concept for me to understand. Infinite. Never ending.
I was struck several months ago at something someone said in a talk at church. It wasn't even the main part of their talk; it was practically just said in passing, but it struck a chord with me. They were talking about how Heavenly Father is infinite and all that he possesses is infinite - then they said, "...He has infinite attention."
I suddenly thought of all the prayers I had prayed where I approached Heavenly Father as if I were bothering him; as if I were intruding; or as if I were taking him away from more important things going on in the world, etc. After all, why would he have time for my petty problems compared to the turmoil going on in various parts of the world?
But then to hear the he has infinite attention; I suddenly realized that I was projecting all of my own insecurities on him. I approached him as if I weren't worth his time, because I felt I had no worth. I approached him apologetically for bothering him, because I didn't believe I was worth bothering about. And so on and so on...
Yes, there is turmoil in the world. Yes, some people are going through trials and challenges that are "more important" than mine. How can he have time for me? Because he is infinite. And he has infinite attention. Which means he has infinite attention for me. That changed the nature of my prayers and how I approach him. It also changed how I see myself - at least, it showed me how I have been seeing myself and how I need to change that.
I still don't really understand infinity, but I understand that my father in heaven loves me and has time for me because I am important to him - infinitely important...
I was struck several months ago at something someone said in a talk at church. It wasn't even the main part of their talk; it was practically just said in passing, but it struck a chord with me. They were talking about how Heavenly Father is infinite and all that he possesses is infinite - then they said, "...He has infinite attention."
I suddenly thought of all the prayers I had prayed where I approached Heavenly Father as if I were bothering him; as if I were intruding; or as if I were taking him away from more important things going on in the world, etc. After all, why would he have time for my petty problems compared to the turmoil going on in various parts of the world?
But then to hear the he has infinite attention; I suddenly realized that I was projecting all of my own insecurities on him. I approached him as if I weren't worth his time, because I felt I had no worth. I approached him apologetically for bothering him, because I didn't believe I was worth bothering about. And so on and so on...
Yes, there is turmoil in the world. Yes, some people are going through trials and challenges that are "more important" than mine. How can he have time for me? Because he is infinite. And he has infinite attention. Which means he has infinite attention for me. That changed the nature of my prayers and how I approach him. It also changed how I see myself - at least, it showed me how I have been seeing myself and how I need to change that.
I still don't really understand infinity, but I understand that my father in heaven loves me and has time for me because I am important to him - infinitely important...
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Personal Best!
I've been trying to walk more over the last couple weeks since the weather here has been awesome! Last week I walked 19 (continuous) miles in one day! I was so sore, but it was worth it. I loved being outside - the sun was shining, but it wasn't too hot; it was just perfect! I was able to see some things I had always wanted to see and since I love exploring, that was just as much fun as anything. Not sure if my school/clinic schedule will let me keep doing that, but I'm going to keep walking as often as I can this summer!
Friday, May 25, 2012
Summer semester
So, I've started back up again with school and I really kinda hate being in school during the summer, however, I think it would be worse to take the summer off. I feel like it would really disrupt the flow and I also think I would lose a lot of momentum that the last couple of really intense semesters built up. And, it's only one summer and I never have to go back to school again if I don't want to, right? So I can tough it out. Actually, it a shorter semester, so that really does help a little bit too.
I am enjoying having long hair, although, I have to admit, I don't love it first thing in the morning when it's flying about my head like I've been electrocuted all night long, but that's what conditioner is for! Yesterday in class it was bugging me, so I put it in a ponytail. This is the first time I've actually worn my hair in a ponytail in public. It grows in layers, so I had to bobbypin a few loose strands, but that's the advantage to being in a program with so many girls, never too far from a bobbypin!
There's a chance I may have to cut it though. I am in the process of trying to set up some externships for next Spring, which will be our last semester, and I keep getting rejected. It was suggested to me that perhaps my hair is part of the reason. I hope not; I mean I keep it clean and styled, so it's not like I look like I'm homeless (no offense to the homeless!!). But we do live in a conservative state and it's possible that it could be a deterrent. I haven't really decided what to do, but I am leaning toward cutting it. That would make me sad, but it's not worth the possibility of not getting an externship either.
Oh wow! As I'm typing this I just realized why I would be sad to cut my hair. So I've been working on losing weight and it's not been going very well. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping to lose more weight so that when I do cut my hair it would feel more significant, like having a biggest loser makeover or something. Cutting my hair now, while I'm overweight, feels like I'm having to let that dream go. Maybe it was a dumb idea anyway. I probably would get more out of life just liking myself the way I am rather than always thinking I have to look a certain way to be happy. It's true, "looking a certain" way would bring a measure of happiness, but it wouldn't be lasting or secure. I do know people who changed their appearance, but never changed their mindset and the change of appearance didn't last, or at least, didn't last very long - because it didn't actually change how they thought or what they thought of themselves.
I know true happiness should come from the inside out, but it's hard to remember when so many really attractive people seem so happy... It makes me wonder, are they attractive because they are happy with themselves, or are they happy with themselves because they know they are attractive? I am such a black and white thinker - does it have to be one way or the other? Is it possible that maybe it's okay to have a little of both? What do you think, blog readers?
I am enjoying having long hair, although, I have to admit, I don't love it first thing in the morning when it's flying about my head like I've been electrocuted all night long, but that's what conditioner is for! Yesterday in class it was bugging me, so I put it in a ponytail. This is the first time I've actually worn my hair in a ponytail in public. It grows in layers, so I had to bobbypin a few loose strands, but that's the advantage to being in a program with so many girls, never too far from a bobbypin!
There's a chance I may have to cut it though. I am in the process of trying to set up some externships for next Spring, which will be our last semester, and I keep getting rejected. It was suggested to me that perhaps my hair is part of the reason. I hope not; I mean I keep it clean and styled, so it's not like I look like I'm homeless (no offense to the homeless!!). But we do live in a conservative state and it's possible that it could be a deterrent. I haven't really decided what to do, but I am leaning toward cutting it. That would make me sad, but it's not worth the possibility of not getting an externship either.
Oh wow! As I'm typing this I just realized why I would be sad to cut my hair. So I've been working on losing weight and it's not been going very well. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping to lose more weight so that when I do cut my hair it would feel more significant, like having a biggest loser makeover or something. Cutting my hair now, while I'm overweight, feels like I'm having to let that dream go. Maybe it was a dumb idea anyway. I probably would get more out of life just liking myself the way I am rather than always thinking I have to look a certain way to be happy. It's true, "looking a certain" way would bring a measure of happiness, but it wouldn't be lasting or secure. I do know people who changed their appearance, but never changed their mindset and the change of appearance didn't last, or at least, didn't last very long - because it didn't actually change how they thought or what they thought of themselves.
I know true happiness should come from the inside out, but it's hard to remember when so many really attractive people seem so happy... It makes me wonder, are they attractive because they are happy with themselves, or are they happy with themselves because they know they are attractive? I am such a black and white thinker - does it have to be one way or the other? Is it possible that maybe it's okay to have a little of both? What do you think, blog readers?
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