Talk

Sorry for the long post, but I just decided to put my talk "out there," rather than try to summarize it.


"I know that you all see me each week, but I don’t get much of a chance to really interact with you so I thought I would take a few minutes and just tell you a little bit about myself.

My name is Micah Foster. I am currently living in Marilyn Foster’s home while she is serving a mission in Frankfurt, Germany. Marilyn is my step-mom and I am Bob Foster’s son, for those of you who may have known him.

I was born in Virginia, but we moved to Idaho when I was about 2 to be closer to family - which may have something to do with why we then kept on moving every couple of years; at least until we finally settled in Highland, Utah when I was about 8 and that’s where I consider myself from. I am the youngest of three children, I have two sisters and my mom currently lives in Lehi, down by Thanksgiving Point. I used to hate being the “baby” of the family, but I am old enough now to realize that whatever drawbacks it came with, I was really good at it and it also made me terribly interesting so I’ve made my peace with it.

I am currently a full-time graduate student at the University of Utah working on a Master’s degree in Speech Language Pathology. It’s a two year program, which they tell me goes really fast, but right now it doesn’t feel that way. In fact, I spend most weeks wondering if I’m going to make it through at all, as it’s a very difficult program, but I also love what I’m learning and I know it’s where I need to be right now. In fact, going back to school was a bit of a risk for me. I spent the last 11 years working in Human Resources – I’ve been at both the University of Utah and Intermountain Health Care – and wasn’t sure I was capable of quitting a full-time job (and a full-time paycheck) and still survive. Well, for reasons I don’t have time to talk about today, I did it anyway and found that what I thought was a terrifying sacrifice in reality turned out to be a chance to receive many, many blessings and even a few miracles.

I have had 34 years to practice being single; and you know what they say, “practice makes perfect” and they’re right. So it’s nice to know that I’m perfect at something. I am not against being set-up (as sister Stringham can attest), but I’ll be honest, grad school is about a 70-80 hour work week and I am far too exhausted each week to think about dating; I’m not against it, I’m just not as young as I used to be either. (p.s. Sister Stringham, you’re going to make an excellent Single’s Ward Bishop’s Wife someday, so keep it up!)

The last thing I should tell you has to do with my hair. So, I’ve never had long hair before and what started out as kind of a joke has turned into a “thing,” so I promised my classmates that I would not cut my hair until I graduate… or get married (‘cause why not throw that out to the universe?). So you’re looking at about 8 months of growth with about another 16 months to go. The longer it gets the more I realize it’s going to turn into a “bullet” – which is a balding mullet, but since I’m also not dating right now, I’m not too worried about it. Also, just to forewarn you, if I happen to show up to church one day with my hair in cornrows, don’t worry about it, it’s temporary, I haven’t joined a gang or anything, it’s just my way of keeping it real.

That’s my brief introduction and still probably more than you wanted to know. On to the topic at hand.

So, I’ll be honest, I love/hate Brother Ardern’s 2011 October General Conference talk on our use of time. On the one hand, I hate it because it makes me feel guilty for all the time I’ve wasted in the past and also because my life feels so unbalanced now. With school being as intense as it is, I really don’t feel that I have time to do all the things I’m supposed to do and that makes me feel bad. I do acknowledge, however, that, ultimately, going through this difficult time in school will actually enable me to have a better circumstance where I can have more balance and more time to serve, but right now it feels very egocentric.

On the other hand, I do love this talk because it gives me perspective. It reminds me of what my priorities are. So, I kind of ended up in HR merely by chance. I was starting school at the University of Utah and needed a part-time job. I started out part-time and eventually took on more and more responsibility. I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Interpersonal Communication and that actually seemed a good fit for HR, so I just stayed with it. Unbeknownst to me, however, my life was about to change.

It’s December 23, 2005. My dad calls and says my sister and I should come over to the house (my other sister was living in Texas at the time). We knew he had been having some very minor health concerns and had a few recent doctor’s visits, so his invitation was a little disconcerting. He sat us down and proceeded to tell us what his doctor told him. He had Kidney Cancer and he was only expected to live about another 6 months. I was in shock. I don’t remember a lot of things about that day, but one of the things that stands out the most, was actually what I experienced that night after I had gone back to my apartment. I felt as if I were being torn in two or that a piece of me was dying with him. Arguably, one of the worst nights of my life.

Well, the sixth month prognosis came and went and I felt that everyday my dad lived past that six months was a blessing. Fast forward about a year. I went to visit him in the hospital. I cherished the moments when he and I could be alone together to talk. You should know that while my dad and I always loved each other and got along, we still were never as close as I had wanted us to be. The time I lived with him while I was school and during his illness allowed us to get to know each other better and definitely improved our relationship for which I am extremely grateful. During this particular visit, where it was just the two of us, I could tell he was solemn and contemplative. I pulled my chair up next to his bed and held his hand. We started talking about life and time and preparing to move on to the next world. I asked him how he felt about dying and I was not prepared for what he shared with me.

He said that death held no fear for him, but he was worried about something. He wondered whether or not he was prepared to meet the Savior. That really took me by surprise. Those of you who knew my dad, know what a great man he was. He was kind and thoughtful; he loved the families he home taught; he loved serving in the church and was good at serving others. How could such a good man be afraid to meet the Savior? I vaguely recall giving some typical reinforcement about how I felt that he was more prepared than he realized, but I mean honestly, what else are you going to say?

I think what surprised me about that conversation wasn’t so much what he said, as it was that I saw him in a way that I had never seen him before – as a child of God. I always saw him as just my dad - someone who I could rely on and who was just always there; someone I had depended on my whole life. But for the first time, I saw that not only was he my dad, but he was someone else’s son. It made me realize how personal our relationship with our Father in Heaven is and how important it is to each individual. As strange as it may sound, that moment helped me begin the process of letting him go.

It wasn’t long after that that he celebrated his 60th birthday on March 2, 2007, which was something he was pretty proud about. Nine days later, he passed away. It was March 11, 2007, exactly 5 years ago today.

“And we see that death comes upon mankind, yea, the death which has been spoken of by Amulek, which is the temporal death; nevertheless, there was a space granted unto man in which he might repent; therefore this life became a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God;”
Alma 12:24

“Yea, I would that ye would come forth and harden not your hearts any longer; for behold, now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore if ye will repent and harden not your hearts, immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you. For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God;”
Alma 34:31-32

I don’t know what your lives are like. I don’t know what you struggle with. Statistically I suppose some of us here struggle with depression, perhaps self-esteem issues; some of us here struggle with finances or maybe with our temper. Some of us struggle with addictions to pornography, alcohol, tobacco, gambling, food even. I don’t know what it is in your life that may be preventing you from preparing yourself to meet the Savior one day. But I do know this: one day, you will meet the Savior. And the way you live now, right now, today, will determine whether you see him as THE Savior or YOUR Savior.

My invitation is for all of us to follow Brother Ardern’s advice: devote your time to the things that matter most. And what matters most is your relationship to your Father in Heaven and to YOUR Savior. Repent. Qualify for mercy. There is no better time than now.

I testify to you that the atonement is real. It’s power is real. Change is possible. Forgiveness is possible. Forget about the past – start from wherever you are right now and do your best. Be patient and forgiving of yourself. Allow the Savior to forgive you. If your sins are of a nature that you need to confess to the Bishop, confess them, don’t wait, don’t put it off. I know God lives. I know we are each precious to him. I know he is there and I know he will help you the way he helped my dad and the way he is helping me. But we have to act – we have to do our part because he cannot force us back to him. But once we choose to follow we begin our preparation. I pray that we will spend our time preparing for our return and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

Funny how life works...

I was sitting in Sacrament meeting last week feeling good about my decision NOT to bear (bare?) my testimony when I had the crazy thought that it was okay because I would be speaking soon anyway. "Well that's just crazy," I thinks to myself, "I've been in the ward for 6 months and they always ask new people to speak when they're new." I thought my Bishop was giving me a reprieve because he knows how busy I am in school.

As it turned out, a couple hours after church, I get a phone call from the 1st counselor asking me to speak in church next week. I realized my stray thought earlier that day was really a prompting (warning?) so it was easy to say yes. Then he gave me the topic "A Time to Prepare," a conference talk by a member of the Seventy, Ian Ardern. The talk is about the wise use of time. (I think this is the spiritual equivalent of being hit in the face?) Well, it's ironic for a few of reasons:

1) I am in grad school and my concept of time is something between "death march" and "dog years." (If that sounds crazy, that's exactly my point!)
2) I do NOT know how I get anything done. Seriously, I don't know how everything keeps coming together for me to finish assignments and prep for clients and the like. Which makes me think I am either so good at time management that I have traveled above the plane where time has any meaning... or a whole lotta divine intervention! (Yeah, I know... it's the second one...)
3) One of the most profound conversations I had with my dad was about being prepared (for death).
4) And now they want me to speak about that on the very day that is the anniversary of his death!?!

Funny how life works. And by funny, I mean the exact opposite...

On the other hand, to be totally honest, I feel like this will actually be a blessing for me. I've had a rough-ish week and a big part of it is not having time to meditate, ponder/pray, or do anything to really help deal with the feeling of loss that I feel. I think this will help me put things back into perspective. I'll let you know how it goes...

Life on the the "lil pun"

So, no one is going to get this reference, but there is an episode of the Mighty B! where the main character, Bessie Higgenbottom, is too short to ride a super-duper death defying roller coaster called, "the Punisher." Instead she gets relegated to the "little kids" version called the "Lil' Pun" which goes over one small hump and then bumps into a wall. Needless to say, it's a bit disappointing.

I guess that's a bit how I feel right now, like I thought I was ready for the big leagues, but now that I'm here I realize that maybe I'm more suited for something a little less demanding - which is disappointing. I guess what I'm really saying is that I feel pretty incompetent right now.

I know what it is that's making me feel that way though, and it's not school. Well... I should say, it's not JUST school, because school is definitely making me feel incompetent!

I also feel a little sad this time of year because of the "anniversaries." Today is my dad's birthday. My sister and I went to my dad's grave to put some flowers up and take some pictures for my step-mom (who is in Germany at the moment).

Next week, the 11th is the Anniversary of his passing. He passed away about a week after his 60th birthday - which was a landmark he was proud of achieving. This week is always hard for me. I am sad, but also happy that he is at peace. I know his spirit continues to live, but I still want him here. I know I will see him again someday, but I would love to talk to him now. Another roller-coaster. It's hard enough, but then adding the stress of graduate school is overwhleming.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like I don't want to ride the Punisher nor the Lil' Pun - I am ready to leave the amusement park altogether! (I didn't mean that to sound like a euphemism for suicide even though it does... - sorry!)

I know everything will be okay, I have a great family and friends; I just wish I were around more for them, which makes me feel guilty on top of everything else. I don't know whether to cry or to laugh - maybe both?! That is the crazy of grad school and as much as I'll appreciate my education, I will be glad when it's done!

In any event...

Happy Birthday Dad, I miss you, but I'm glad for the time we were given! I'll probably blog about you next week too... hope that's okay...

GIANTS WIN!!!

WOOHOO!!!! I was pulling for the Giants and it didn't look good going into the 4th quarter, but they pulled it out and the Pats didn't!! 21 to 17, close call, but ended up being a great game!!!

Way to go Giants!!

Restaurant Review

I am critical. I should put it to use more often. Hence, this post. (I've never critiqued a restaurant before, so this may sound pretty juvenile.)

I recently went to a restaurant called the Blue Lemon. Some former co-workers took me out for my birthday dinner. It's part of a snazzy new rebuild in Downtown Salt Lake called City Creek and it was fantastic!! They have a Spinach-Artichoke Dip that I have now dubbed "Spinach-Articrack Dip" because it's that addicting!! I had a Salmon BLT on Sourdough and it was awesome! To be honest, I expected a lot of dressing, 'cause that's what you do to a BLT, but there was very little, which I thought was weird at first. However, the flavor was amazing and I realized quickly that too much dressing would have ruined it. Paired with some Sweet Potato Fries, it was a great meal. About $10, which is not too bad for a sit down restaurant.

I think what I love most about this place, and why I'm recommending it, is it's philosophy on preparing fresh food in healthy ways using as many local growers/farmers ingredients as they can. I feel good eating healthy and knowing I'm supporting local economy and reducing a carbon footprint makes it all the more enjoyable. I am super excited that they are building one in the Fort Union area (up on Highland Drive), which is only 20 minutes from my house!

Speaking of City Creek, it hasn't officially opened, but it looks like it's going to be a pretty happening place. The design, layout, landscaping, etc. look really, really good. I think it officially opens in March and I would love to go walk around. It's mostly closed now, so I couldn't see everything, but it looks like they'll have some pretty cool walk-ways and glass-covered bridges, fountains, etc. Someone told me a bunch of the shops at the Gateway will be moving in and are starting to get ready to move. I have never really wanted to live downtown, but this sure had made me reconsider. This would be a place I could live! But not on a graduate student's salary - so it will just have to be a dream for now!

Speaking of school, it's going well. Our coursework is starting to be more balanced with "case-work," i.e., working with clients and I love it. It's hard and super stressful, but when I'm in the room with a client, I love it. I know this is the right field for me, I just hope I can survive the education- seriously!!

I survived!

Isn't there a t.v. show called, "I should be dead?" No, wait! It's Animal Planet's "I shouldn't be alive." Okay, same difference. Anyway, that's a bit how I ended the semester. On the one hand I didn't perform as well in some of my classes as I'd hoped, but then, on the other hand, I actually ended up doing better than I thought (all A's and one B - which probably should have been a C!). Yes, I know I'm naturally hard on myself, but seriously, you know when you really haven't done your best, right?

I'm not sure what I wanted this post to be about... I don't know how to sum up the experiences and things I've learned over the last 4 months. Here I am on the otherside of one of the hardest semesters of my life and I still can't believe I got through it. It's like my perception is still trying to catch up with reality. Well, here are a few things I have reflected on...

1. Don't move during the middle of a semester!
I moved in the middle of October into my step-mom's house to watch it for her while she is on her mission (Area Office in Frankfurt, Germany). It was all supposed to work out perfectly - she would leave right after Gen Con on Oct 3rd, then I would use my Fall break to pack up and move during the 2nd week of October... until I got summoned for Jury Duty THAT week!! I felt like I had a target on my back and the universe had just been waiting for me to "hold still." Yes, it was an awful week, but I got through it. Actually, it was my family that got me through it; I could never have done it without them. They helped me pack and move; they were just there for me, which means a lot to me.

2. What am I worth?
When things started getting really hard I asked myself a lot whether or not I was capable enough to do this. Logically, I knew the answer was yes, but the doubt I felt about my ability was crushing at times. I wondered why this was so hard if I loved it so much? Shouldn't the things we love doing be "easy?" Or at least enjoyable? I was starting to feel like I had made a huge mistake and that my biggest mistake was thinking I could do this... then I remembered that I have the agency to choose both what and how I think. I realized that I have a tendency to see the world as very black and white, which it's not. I somehow learned to equate "hard" with "wrong." Meaning that if something was "too hard" then it must be the wrong thing to do becuase when you when decide to do the right thing, Heavenly Father makes it easy for you to do, right? The people of Alma, for example, were in "bondage" to the Lamanites, but Heavenly Father blessed them that their burdens were light and they could not feel them; they submitted cheerfully; etc. Well, guess, what? That's not always true. I think for me, when things get hard, it's just an opportunity to examine my faith and decide how important is the choice I am making. Part of that is having to decide whether or not I feel I am worth doing hard things.

3. Who am I here for?
I had a huge epiphany one day when it suddenly occured to me that I was more worried about what my professor's and peers would think of my grades and assignments than actually learning the material to be a competent clinician. I would look at others in the class and would find myself lacking compared to their strengths; I would worry that my professors would be disappointed in my shoddy or lackluster work. But then I had this epiphany and asked myself, who am I here for? Am I in the program to impress people? Am I here to try to get better grades than everyone else, thereby proving my importance? Is it to get the praise of my professors above others? Of course not!! I'm here because I want to help people. I'm here because I want to feel like my life has been useful to others. I'm here because I want a fulfilling career and a better life. I lose sight of that everytime I compare myself and find that I'm not good enough. The problem is in comparing myself to others. As soon as I start comparing, I lose. I found that when I stopped comparing myself, I realized that I am capable and that I'm here because I think my strengths are suited for this career. As soon as I took the pressure off to perform like everyone else, I realized that I was missing out on truly enjoying what I was learning because I wasn't learning it for me, I was learning it to try to prove my worth... well, guess what? My worth never went anywhere - it's always been inherent, I just wouldn't let myself see it. But I see it now and my hope is that all these things I have learned will help me in the future to stop adding more stress where it's not necessary. School is hard enough as it is, I don't need to make it worse by thinking I'm not capable.

These are not the lessons I expected to learn in Graduate School, but they are obviously the lessons I've needed to learn and I am grateful for that. I know I'm in the right place and I know everything will work out. Looking back, maybe it was the "Fall of Micah" afterall. Here's to Spring and 5/6 of the way through!! In other words, 1 semester down, 5 to go...

College crisis... kind of

I had something really weird happen the other day. I suddenly couldn't remember why I thought Graduate School was a good idea. I am so terribly stressed out right now, that I don't remember the last time I felt like this. I've never been so close to a nervous breakdown over school!! Sure, I've had pretty rough times in life, but this is just different. Normally the things that really stress me out are emotional or physical (like being sick or twisting my ankle or something like that). I feel like this is totally intellectual stress and that my brain is only capable of processing so much information at a time and unfortunately for me, it's not nearly fast enough. I've never really thought of myself as stupid, but the last couple of weeks have made me seriously question that. I haven't been doing as well in school as I'd hoped; I'm not saying I'm doing bad - I mean I'm passing my classes and stuff, but I'm just not doing as well as I expected and that's been really, REALLY hard on me. Now I don't really know why I'm here putting myself through all this... How do you find hope you feel like you don't even have time to breathe?

Uncle Paul

So you know how I have a previous blog post with me and "my uncle Paul?" (which is how I refer to Paul Giamatti) Well, a couple days ago in class, this girl turns to me and says, "you know who you look like?" I smiled and said, "I think so." But didn't say who because I didn't want to be presumptuous. Then I thought, whatever, be totally presumptuous - so I blurted out "Paul Giamatti?" Her response, "I don't know his name..., but he was in the Truman Show..." Yep! Uncle Paul was in that flick! So it has now been independently confirmed - that's all I'm saying.

I'm in!

So I moved today.

I am exhausted. I haven't had much time for packing, what with jury duty and studying, etc., but my mom and sis came over Friday night and got me squared away. Then my mom and other sis came over on Saturday and helped me (I should say "the movers") move. IT took about 5 hours and I felt like I had run a marathon after! I haven't been that active in a long time - especially after sitting for extended periods of time at school the last few months!

I am grateful to have such a great support system, my mom and sis's are great! (I know "sis's" isn't grammatically correct due to a phonotactic constraint, but I'm going to use it anyway - see how much I'm learning!)

I didn't have as much stuff as I thought, and yet, somehow, I also feel like I still have too much! I threw away or donated a ton of stuff over the last few months, anticipating the move, but I think I need to get rid of more.

In any case, I am glad that this week is over and I am glad that I am moved in!! Now I can focus on my midterms!! Yay for sarcasm!!

Jury Duty

So, I had Jury today and I didn't get selected. I was SO happy!! They made us watch this 10 minute video (filmed circa 1990) about the jury selection process and they showed one guy who was not selected and he left feeling like there was something wrong with him. I laughed (inwardly). I thought it was funny the way they were able to take something that seems like a totally inconvenient burden and turn it into a sense of pride or honor to be a part of. I felt somewhere in the middle.

At first it WAS a totally inconvenient, but then once I resigned myself to the fact that I was there and maybe should just enjoy it, I was looking forward to it. Two hours later they said we could go home. I was kind of disappointed! They over-booked cases, but none of them panned out; someone didn't show for one, another case settled and another didn't have enough interpreters. So they let us go. I was actually really happy to go since I have so much going on this week, but it was an interesting experience in any case.

I would go again, just for the video!

p.s. wish me luck that all goes well this weekend - I am finally moving into Marilyn's house - my new home for the next 18 months!!