Friday, February 26, 2010

Thoughts and the secret to happiness

Sorry I haven't blogged in almost a month... I was kind of on fire there for a little bit, then life happens, and you know the rest.

It's been great  having my sister home for the last few weeks!! I am conflicted at seeing her leave tomorrow! I am sad to see her go back to China, but  am so amazed at what she's accomplished that I really want her to go back and complete her assignment. I know the amazing feeling she must feel knowing she's done this incredibly hard thing and has come to love much of her experience. I'm sure it will feel good to go back and then be able to say, "I did it!" In a way I'm jealous, I don't know that I have the guts to do anything like that and I really admire that about her. Five months will go by quickly, I suppose, and it will be great to have her back home again... until she leaves and who knows where she'll end up! I kind of hope New York because I've never been there and I want to go visit!! I know she'll end up in the right place for her.

I got accepted into school for my second bachelors! I am going into Communication Disorders and I want to be a Speech-Langauge Pathologist (i.e. Speech Therapist). I can't wait - I am SOOOO excited to go back to school!! I will start this Fall. It's going to be hard to do - there are a lot of uncertain things that I don't know how to plan for, like my job. I am leaving it in the Lord's hands, but I worry about it sometimes. I can't plan every detail, but I know he can, and does, and that's comforting.

I took a risk today. I wore an orange sweater. I know that sounds lame, but I saw it and really, really liked it, so I bought it. I just didn't know how it would look on me and I thought I would look like a big round orange, which I do, but I also really like it. I was a good thing for me, I think. I have realized lately a lot of things about myself, things that I need to change and one of those is perception. I worry to much about other people judging me - I know why I am this way and I won't go into it here, but suffice it to say, I didn't know how people would react. So I gave myself a little pep-talk as I left this morning. Something along the lines of, "Okay, I didn't buy these clothes because I thought other people would like them. I bought them because I like them and I thought it would be a good color on me. So even if people look at me funny or make fun of me, it won't matter because I can't control what other people think of me and, personally, I think this outfit does look good on me - even if I'm bursting at the seams." So when I walked out the door, I left with a little more confidence, knowing that I made this choice because it made me happy and I wasn't going to worry about what other people thought, because I can't control them or do anything about it anyway. You know what happened? I got lots of compliments! I wasn't expecting that at all. Looking back, I think it was both the clothes and my attitude that made the difference. It was a risk, but it paid off and I'm glad I did it!

And a big THANK YOU to all those who made my day with your compliments! I am surrounded by the best people!!

I have a lot of other epiphanies I want to blog about - and I will - but for now I want to leave with two things: 1 - the secret to happiness and change, and 2 - an analogy that helps me remember that secret.

The secret to happiness and change is: How I talk to myself.

That's it. Pretty (deceptively) simple, isn't it? But huge in its importance.

My feeling is that the way I talk to myself, determines how I feel about myself, how I treat myself, and how I let others treat me.  This is where the locus of power in my own life lies. This is a result of having agency and the only thing that I have absolute control over. No matter who you are, or your circumstances in life, you can choose how you talk to yourself. I have said a lot of negative things to myself in the past and I am working on changing that. Like any other skill, takes practice to improve. But when I do, I feel more confidence and peace. Jut like what I told myself when I wore my sweater today - I needed that positive reinforcement, but the only place it could come from is me. If I had been self-conscious and still received compliments on my sweater, I would have felt as though I didn't deserve them and try to deflect them. That's because I would only allow negative reinforcement, not positive. But with a different outlook, the compliments were appreciated even more because, deep down, I didn't really NEED them.

My anology is this. "Self-talk" is like breathing. For the majority of the day, it's on "automatic." You don't consciously think about breathing, your body just does it. Your interal dialogue is always on and runs automatically -whether it's positive or negative and regardless of whether you're aware of it or not - it's always on. But with breathing, you can become aware of how you're breathing and seamlessly take CONSCIOUS control of how you're breathing (like how people do this when they're singing). The same is true with our thoughts, we can take conscious control of our internal dialogue and CHOOSE whether or not that self-talk is positive or negative. I believe that the more we practice CONSCIOUS POSITIVE self-talk, the more our unconscious dialogue REMAINS positive. This change from negative to positive can change our lives, I truly believe that. For me it is not automatically positive, and it will take a lot of work and effort to change it to positive, but I know I can and I know the Lord will help me. Just like you'll die after minutes of not breathing, I think our internal dialogue is just that important to our survival.

That's all for now... blog ya later!

Friday, January 29, 2010

Food and the evil necessity

I love food. Just when I think food loves me back, I find it hates me. Then I hate food. Then I apologize and I love food again.

Yes, I know I sound crazy - I did it on purpose to make a point. I recall commenting to someone once on my distorted relationship with food. Then I realized I used the word "with." Shouldn't I have said, "...my relationship TO food..."? Or is that just semantics? I don't think so. It's a bit of a revelation to realize that I regard food the way I would another human being. Are food and I really in a "relationship?" Some days there might be some symbolic similarities (some people don't "sit" well with me and make me want to puke, others are like comfort food - you feel good just being around them, etc.), but really, overall, I don't think I should be reacting to food the way I react to people, right?

I don't really know how or when that started. Maybe it's just another aspect of what people do when they live to eat, rather than eat to live. I don't want a "relationship" with food, but how do you end a relationship with something you need to live? Is that why some people have a hard time ending relationships with people who are bad for them, even though they know they are bad for them, somehow they feel like they need that relationship in order to feel good about themselves, or their life, or maybe even in order to survive (emotionally)? (Things might be getting deep here folks, stay with me...)

People do illogical things that hurt themselves all the time (like doctor’s who still smoke), so I’ve learned that we are powerfully motivated by emotions and I definitely have emotions attached to food. For example, my own blog post about my trip to DC. Notice what I said just above the picture?

Sometimes I listen to people who are in terrible relationships and my reaction is “deal breaker – shut it down!” But it’s easy for me, who am not emotionally involved, to say that. But what about my own (dysfunctional?) emotional relationships? It’s not so easy for me to take my own advice. When I think to myself, I really NEED a pizza, I should say to myself “deal breaker – shut it down!” and reach for an apple, but do I? Of course not! Because it’s not about the pizza, it's about what the pizza means – comfort. The real question I should be asking is, why do I need to be comforted right now?

And food is such an easy thing to reach for. Why? Because we have to have it to live!! It feels like food is a necessary evil. You can’t just say, “Oh yeah, I guess this is a bad relationship, I’m just gonna ‘shut it down’ and stop eating from now on…” Additionally, bad food is so readily available! It’s easier, faster, and more comforting than healthy food. I guess here I should make a distinction. There is good food and bad food. I think all fast food, processed/prepackaged food, sugar, soda, etc. are bad categorically (meaning, for everyone). Then I think there is food that is bad for me. Sugar makes me crazy (even too much fruit in one sitting). Carbs like bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, etc. make me depressed, so I can’t eat them. But those are the foods I “love!”

I think when I can change my relationship with food from a “with” to a “to,” then I’ll have the right relationship and I’ll eat to live only.

Right now, I just really want a pizza…

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Birthday babble

I've heard people say, "there are no stupid questions." I totally disagree. Some questions are stupid. For example, every year a few days after my birthday I hear, "It was your birthday? Why didn't you tell me?" Stupid question. For a small education in social etiquette, here's my answer:

First of all, It's very rare for this to be brought up appropriately when it's not the actual topic of discussion. "What did you have for dinner last night?" "It's my birthday tomorrow."

Second, I've known people who have announced their brithday and, let's just say, they are people who usually don't leave the best impression (greedy, awkard, lonely, desparate, sad, etc.). I don't want to be one of those people.

Third, and what's REALLY stupid about this question is that even when we know why we would never announce our birthday unbidden (because of reasons one and two) WE STILL ASK THE QUESTION OF OTHERS!! (Admit it, you've said it to someone at least once in your life!)

Yes, it was my birthday last Thursday and I didn't tell you... because I'm not lame.

p.s. now that I've told you it's the 21st of January I expect you to write that in your calendars... and don't ask me next year why I didn't tell you it was my birthday - I'm telling you now!!!

Monday, January 18, 2010

The answer is 3...

Three days in a row sorting through underGarments. That has to be a new record for me and proof that my life is lame - because this is all I have to blog about...

So I went to my mom's house for Sunday dinner (it was her birthday so we made her dinner), but I found a basket of laundry that needed washing... guess what it was? You guessed it! Under"G's"!! I guess if I sit down tonight and fold them, it will be four days in a row, but I can only take so much, so that's not going to happen!!

By the way, here is a photo of my experience at the Junior League of Salt Lake:


Do I look confused? Bewildered? Incredulous?
It's because I don't know what this is, or what possible use it could have...

Okay - that's not true, but it made for a good photo!!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Laundry day...

So I spent some of my day sorting my own "unmentionables..." How ironic is that? How many days in a row can someone sort underGarments...?

Friday, January 15, 2010

Today's community service

Here's a comment someone made to me today: "I bet when you woke up this morning you didn't think you'd be sorting through women's underwear!"

That was a totally true statement! Indeed, when I woke up this morning I did NOT have any idea that I would be sorting through women's underwear!! But that's what happened!

So, our office particiapted in some community service today. We spent a couple of hours at a place called the Junior League of Salt Lake and assisted with their affiliate program "Women Helping Women." In a nutshell, they take donated women's professional attire and give them to women with low incomes (who qualify) so that they can have professional clothes to interview and find jobs (working in a Recruitment office, it was yet one more way we could try to help people find jobs!).

Anyway, assignments were random and I ended up on the panty line... (I repeat RANDOM) If you're like my friend, Amber, who cringed at the thought of what I was doing, let me just clarify right now: all the underwear was PURCHASED and not donated!! (They actually don't accept donated underwear... slips, yes, "lingerie," no.) Others were opening the newly PURCHASED underwear and we were bagging them individually and writing the sizes on the baggies (he he he, I'm chuckling to myself as I write this because the word "baggies" could have several meanings here!! Sorry, I know that's not polite!).

Of course, everyone had a great time making fun of me (I work with a majority of women) and commenting on how much I "seemed" to be enjoying myself. To be honest, I was enjoying myself, but ONLY because I was serving others. Trust me, seeing a bunch of granny-panties does nothing for me!

Either way, for good or bad (I'm sure bad), pictures were taken and memories were made.

It makes me wonder though... what will tomorrow bring?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Shin Splints and things you should know about them

1. I've never had them before and didn't think they could be THAT bad... I was wrong.
2. I thought fat people could not get them, because (lets be honest) we don't have the mobility to be THAT active... I was wrong.
3. I thought when other people complained of having them, they were maybe showing off a little, because they WERE active enough to get them... I was wrong.

So I am continuing my exercise goal of walking (brisk and with intervals) for an hour two to three times per week. My legs have ached before, you know, now that I'm actually using them. But today is the first time I've gotten shin splints. I guess maybe that's a good sign - that I'm feeling well enough and that I'm able to push myself that much harder. I know I need to do more stretching and strengthening of those muscles... but dang I'm in pain!!

Also, I think whoever came up with the name "shin splints," didn't really capture the essence of how shin splints actually feel. Here are some of my alternatives: Shin Daggers, Shin Passing a Kidney Stone, Shin Giving Birth, Shin Spinal Tap, etc.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Happy New Year

I know I'm a little late, but Happy New Year everybody!

I decided to shy away from New Year's Resolutions this year. I don't have anything against them, I just don't have anything new to resolve to do... the weightloss issue is kind of always there and I am proceeding with my other goals just fine, so I don't really have anything specific I feel like I need a resolution to acheive. And, historically, I'm not good at keeping resolutions anyway...

I feel like this year is going to be a great year. I don't know why exactly, but I feel like I'm going to make great progress in some areas that I've needed to since childhood, specifically, how I feel about myself. Some of the other great things to look forward to are a visit from my sister in Feb.; then she comes home for good and all in July!! Yay!! I am so proud of her for what she has accomplished! I know for a fact that I would not have it in me to do what she's done. I am in awe of her courage! But I have missed her terribly and will be so happy to have her home (even if it's in Texas!)!!

I am also going to be starting school in the Fall. I will be taking some pre-requisite undergraduate courses to prepare to enter a Master's program in Speech-Language Pathology. I am SOOOO looking forward to this. One, I need a change. Two, I need a career, not just a job. Three, I need to put myself in a position where I can actually FEEL like I can support a family. I just applied for admission yesterday, and I haven't officially been accepted yet, but I'm not at all worried about it.

Switching Gears...
Today is Sunday and we had a cool meeting where President Monson came to speak to us. I am in a singles ward and every 2nd Sunday of the month, we combine with two other single's wards in our area. We usually have pretty neat speakers for our 2nd sunday meetings, but this was especially cool! He was really relaxed and down to earth and funny. As much as any Prophet can be, I expect.

We all stood up when he entered and he waved and said, "Hello." to everyone. He shook hands with those he passed and even commented on one guy's plain yellow tie. He held up his tie and said how much he liked the color yellow. He then walked up onto the stand and walked along the row shaking hands with the Bishoprics from the 3 wards, when he got to the other end, he started walking off the stand and said, "well, goodbye." Then turned around and said "just kidding," walked back to the seat reserved for him. I know it may not sound like much, but considering the source, it was pretty hilarious.

He shared some great stories, as always, and a couple of the things he said that stood out to me were, and he quoted the following three times, which to me means it's highly significant: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (I had to look it up later - Proverbs 3:5-6). He said, "Put your trust in the Lord and do what you think He would have you do."

Another thing he emphasized was "effort." He mentioned this once, then brought it up again two more times. He said that nothing comes without effort. Said another way, everything worthwhile comes with effort and not to be afraid of work. He said to work hard and then take advantage of opportunities that arise. He re-stated, "Work will win, when wishy-washy wishing won't."

Lastly, and this is hard for me to mention, he reminded the brethren to date. (Ugghhh.. knife in the heart...) It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately, which I guess is a good sign. It's been so hard for me to put myself out there in that way. It touches too many personal things for me to mention the "why," but suffice to say, dating is not easy for me. I know others would say, "hey, what a great New Years Resolution - to date more this year!" (or in my case, to date - at all!!) But no, given my past experience with my lack of success in keeping resolutions, I don't think this is one for me. But like I said, I've been thinking about it alot, which is also scary, because I think it is my subconscious's way of telling me that I'm ready to face this challenge. We'll see...

In spite of that, I think 2010 will be a great year. So, rather than this just being a trite social custom, and in the spirit of self-fulling prophecy, Have a HAPPY New Year everyone - I know I will!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Temple Square for Rebecca

Hey all, I finally went through the pictures I took on Temple Square. I tried to take some good shots for Rebecca since she won't be seeing the lights first-hand and they are a Christmas staple... well, in Utah anyway.

I thought I would try my hand at a little slide show presentation, so I'm crossing my fingers that this works. If not, I uploaded the pictures to my flickr page, so you can view them all there.

(The video is about 4 minutes long.) Enjoy!



Here are a few of the pictures I like the best:









Friday, December 25, 2009

My Christmas Testimony

For behold, I say unto you there be many things to come; and behold, there is one thing which is of more importance than they all—for behold, the time is not far distant that the Redeemer liveth and cometh among his people. (Alma 7:7)

And behold, this will I give unto you for a sign at the time of his coming; for behold, there shall be great lights in heaven, insomuch that in the night before he cometh there shall be no darkness, insomuch that it shall appear unto man as if it was day.
And behold, there shall a new star arise, such an one as ye never have beheld; and this also shall be a sign unto you. (Helaman 14:3, 5)

And it came to pass that I looked and beheld the great city of Jerusalem, and also other cities. And I beheld the city of Nazareth; and in the city of Nazareth I beheld a virgin, and she was exceedingly fair and white.
And it came to pass that I saw the heavens open; and an angel came down and stood before me; and he said unto me: Nephi, what beholdest thou?
And I said unto him: A virgin, most beautiful and fair above all other virgins.
And he said unto me: Knowest thou the condescension of God?
And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.
And he said unto me: Behold, the virgin whom thou seest is the mother of the Son of God, after the manner of the flesh.
And it came to pass that I beheld that she was carried away in the Spirit; and after she had been carried away in the Spirit for the space of a time the angel spake unto me, saying: Look!
And I looked and beheld the virgin again, bearing a child in her arms. (1 Nephi 11:13-20)

And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. (Luke 2:6-14)

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder; and his name shall be called, Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. (2 Nephi 19:6)

And the angel said unto me again: Look and behold the condescension of God!
And I looked and beheld the Redeemer of the world, of whom my father had spoken; and I also beheld the prophet who should prepare the way before him. And the Lamb of God went forth and was baptized of him; and after he was baptized, I beheld the heavens open, and the Holy Ghost come down out of heaven and abide upon him in the form of a dove.
And I beheld that he went forth ministering unto the people, in power and great glory; and the multitudes were gathered together to hear him; and I beheld that they cast him out from among them.
And he spake unto me again, saying: Look! And I looked, and I beheld the Lamb of God going forth among the children of men. And I beheld multitudes of people who were sick, and who were afflicted with all manner of diseases, and with devils and unclean spirits; and the angel spake and showed all these things unto me. And they were healed by the power of the Lamb of God; and the devils and the unclean spirits were cast out.
And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me again, saying: Look! And I looked and beheld the Lamb of God, that he was taken by the people; yea, the Son of the everlasting God was judged of the world; and I saw and bear record.
And I, Nephi, saw that he was lifted up upon the cross and slain for the sins of the world. (1 Nephi 11:26-33)

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands. (1 Nephi 21:16)

And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard wept, and said unto the servant: What could I have done more for my vineyard? (Jacob 5:41)

And it shall come to pass that whosoever shall believe on the Son of God, the same shall have everlasting life.
And if ye believe on his name ye will repent of all your sins, that thereby ye may have a remission of them through his merits.
And behold, again, another sign I give unto you, yea, a sign of his death.
For behold, he surely must die that salvation may come; yea, it behooveth him and becometh expedient that he dieth, to bring to pass the resurrection of the dead, that thereby men may be brought into the presence of the Lord.
Yea, behold, this death bringeth to pass the resurrection, and redeemeth all mankind from the first death—that spiritual death; for all mankind, by the fall of Adam being cut off from the presence of the Lord, are considered as dead, both as to things temporal and to things spiritual.
But behold, the resurrection of Christ redeemeth mankind, yea, even all mankind, and bringeth them back into the presence of the Lord. (Helaman 14:8, 13-17)

And nothing can save this people save it be repentance and faith on the Lord Jesus Christ, who surely shall come into the world, and shall suffer many things and shall be slain for his people.
And behold, an angel of the Lord hath declared it unto me, and he did bring glad tidings to my soul. (Helaman 13:6-7)

How Can We Increase Our Love of God?
Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Love of God,” Ensign, Nov 2009, 21–24
“Since “God is love,” the closer we approach Him, the more profoundly we experience love. But because a veil separates this mortality from our heavenly home, we must seek in the Spirit that which is imperceptible to mortal eyes.
Heaven may seem distant at times, but the scriptures offer hope: “Ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.”
However, seeking God with all our hearts implies much more than simply offering a prayer or pronouncing a few words inviting God into our lives. “For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments.” We can make a great production of saying that we know God. We can proclaim publicly that we love Him. Nevertheless, if we don’t obey Him, all is in vain, for “he that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.”
We increase our love for our Heavenly Father and demonstrate that love by aligning our thoughts and actions with God’s word. His pure love directs and encourages us to become more pure and holy. It inspires us to walk in righteousness—not out of fear or obligation but out of an earnest desire to become even more like Him because we love Him. By doing so, we can become “born again … [and] cleansed by blood, even the blood of [the] Only Begotten; that [we] might be sanctified from all sin, and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world, and eternal life in the world to come, even immortal glory.”

And the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?
And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.
And he spake unto me, saying: Yea, and the most joyous to the soul. (1 Nephi 11:21-23)