School Update

So I turned in my application last Monday for Grad School. I find out in a couple of months if I got in... I feel good about it and I don't want to jinx it, still, I decided my best position is to be cautiously optimistic.

My classes this semester are great! I am taking Hearing Disorders, Speech Science, and Language Development. The only downside is that they are back to back, which means I am in class for 5 hours straight!! I love school, but even I have my limits. Oh well, it's only 4 months, right? Anyway, the classes are great and I am one semester closer to reaching my goals. This means that if I get in to grad school, I start this Fall and in two years my life is different.

I can't tell you how happy I am! There are moments when I feel that I am a "late bloomer." All of the friends I grew up with are married with children and I sometimes wonder if I am just too far behind the curve. But I think of two things that bring me comfort: I am not the same man I was a few years ago, and the Lord knows me.

What I mean by that is that I have had some battles that have direcly affected my sense of identity. There are many things that the challenges I've had in life have taught me and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything. I used to be so afraid of everything. I used to have the worst self-esteem. But now I like myself. Now I can accept myself for who I am and I can "forgive" myself for not being perfect. I love who I am right now BECAUSE I'm a work in progress.

Also, I remember (and continue to learn) that the Lord knows me. He knows, not only what I need, but WHEN I need it. He is perfect, his plan is perfect and intervenes in my life perfectly. Because I know those things, I have confidence that I am exactly where I need to be. Late bloomer or not, I am doing the best I've ever done and I have the Lord to thank.

Grateful that Christmas was great!

Hey all! I hope you all had a nice Christmas. Mine was fantastic! I loved all the gifts I received and I'm glad my family liked the gifts I gave them! (I'm STILL singing "Troy and Abed in the Moooorning!")

I was overwhelmed at the gifts I received actually. I felt like I received too much! It made me very grateful for how Heavenly Father has provided so many things to meet my needs, but also just to enjoy. I know He truly cares about my well-being AND my happiness.

I sometimes think that having no trials would make me really happy, and He wants me to be happy, right? So I can ask Him to remove all my trials, right? Because it will make me happy, right? Well, He's too smart for that obviously... and I think, ultimately, He will put my well-being above my happiness, for which I am grateful. I know that sounds contradictory, but what I mean is that, while I know that He wants me to be happy, he also wants me to be a better man and sometimes that means going through experiences that challenge my happiness. In other words, he asks me, "do you want to be happy or do you want to be better?" (Knowing full well that being better means future happiness.)

But maybe that's too black and white. Happiness is not only a gift of the spirit, or a reward for obedience, it is also a choice I get to make. Heavenly Father could provide me every material comfort available in the world (think indoor movie theater and towel warmers in the bathroom!), which SHOULD make me happy, but if I choose not to be, then I won't be. How many times have I heard stories of people who are dirt poor, but still the happiest people on earth? Too many to count. Why are they happy? Because they choose to be! That's something I will do better at this next year.

I have a lot to be grateful for: the right people in my life at the right times (including family and friends), the gospel and the church, material needs met, etc. I think this next year is going to be really fantastic, especially because I choose to make it that way!!

Christmas Testimony

I posted this last year, so rather than reposting it, I'll just give you the link. I hope you enjoy it!

I love how the British express their Christmas sentiment, so I have adopted it for myself:

Happy Christmas!

Woohoo!!!

I just got my grades for this semester and guess what? Straight A's!!!! I've never gotten straight A's in my life! I am so happy and, quite honestly, shocked!

It's a Christmas miracle...

The Vesuvius of core beliefs

I am taking a break from studying for my anatomy final. I had three finals total to take, but I just took my second one today, so that just leaves my anatomy final on Friday. I am glad they were spread out. I've not been taking care of myself lately and I've had a hard time dealing with that and tyring to study; mostly the effects from not eating the best foods. I realize now that I was more stressed out than I thought and I didn't really do anything to manage the additional stress.

On top of finals, I have been trying to get all the materials together for my Grad School application. Bad timing, but I needed to get all my stuff together so that I could share it with my professors, of whom I'm asking for letters of recommendation. I need to ask them now so that they have the Christmas break to write those letters and so that they remember me. I submitted my application to the graduate school and once I have this semester's grades, I can apply to the department. On the plus side, I now have all my materials so I can submit everything once grades come out and I won't have to wait to apply - the deadline is by Feb 1st, but I don't want to procrastinate.

Since I haven't felt well (anxiety and depression) I've not been motivated to study and today was a close call. The test turned out to be easier than I thought it would, but I also know it was the worst I've done on a test. Anyway, the take home message for me was that I put off way to long what I should have done sooner. I really could have studied more, but I was more interested in eating and watching TV (which is how I avoid life usually).

I realized that part of the reason I am so stressed out is because I feel threatened. It's the fight or flight response kicking in and since I have nothing to fight, I "flight." Why should I feel threatened though? Well, I guess I feel threatened in the weight of decisions I am making about my future clashing with beliefs I have about myself. What do I mean by that? So here I am choosing to change careers, enroll in school, reduce my work schedule (and income) to practically nothing, feeling like my future and the rest of my life depend on these decisions, which is weighty enough as it is, then add to that feelings of inadequacy and feeling like I've always been a disappointment, or that I will fail in the crucial moments. It is a fact that I do have a history of failing and of disappointing people, including myself.

But choosing to go back to school and change careers is also choosing to believe that I can be different, that I can succeed. These two opposing beliefs are coming to a head at this point in my life and it's overwhelming to know what to do. It kind of feels like I was on the fault line of two continents that smashed together, expelling me into the air (like a volcano) and now I don't know where I'm going to land. So, no wonder I feel "threatened" and want to run away.

It's so strange to me to feel the battle going on inside between what I "know" and what I "feel." I want these things to match and I'm not quite sure how to do that. I want to know, logically, that I have worth AND feel that I have worth. I want to know that I can do hard things AND feel like I can do hard things. Right now I don't feel my own worth and I don't feel I can do hard things. Logically, I "know" that's not right, but I don't "feel" it. I suppose, trying to infuse some positivity here, that it is progress to at least be able to say that I know that I do have worth and that doing hard things is possible. There was a time when I didn't even believe that much about myself.

Much like a volcano that quiets after it releases magma, I'm hoping that developing some new beliefs about myself will help quiet the turmoil I've been experiencing as a result of my own dysfunctional behavior. I know my behavior will change when my beliefs change and that's something I need help with. I know that I have a Father in Heaven who will help me, but it takes time and I'm impatient. I always want the easy way out and I don't think this has an easy solution. But I know it has a solution and I pray that I will work it out soon!

I'm still here...

I am torn between loving and hating not having an internet connection at home. I love it because it means I have money for food and I hate it because, let's face it, I'm a big fan of instant gratification. I hate that I can't see what time a movie is playing, but then I remember that I don't have money for that kind of thing and then I'm grateful I don't have to be tempted to buy tickets because I don't have the internet. I hate that I can't watch my favorite shows/movies online anymore. I have to "borrow" them when I am at the library or anywhere else I can get a free connection. Then I remember that school is my first priority and I don't really have time to watch tv anyway, so I am grateful I don't have the internet at home. You see what I mean?

The other downside is that I don't get to blog as much either and that is sad for me. It's proven to be a good outlet for me so I miss being able to do it whenever I can get a second to organize my thoughts.

Just know that I am still here. School is going really, really well, although it is overwhelming and stressful at times. Work is okay, I struggle with my midget paycheck, but I am grateful to have a job and a paycheck at all. I have not yet learned how to be patient.I am still trying to practice lessons the Lord has helped me to learn. I still have moments of doubt that I'm doing the right thing or that I am up to the task ahead of me. Can I really learn what I need to learn to be successful in the career I've chosen? I'm still trying to accept that some dreams have to take a back seat and that the sacrifices I'm making now will be worth it and will set a foundation for a better life.

Overall, I'm happy. I am learning to take the good with the bad and now I'm trying to ignore the "Facts of Life" theme song that just popped into my head....

I hope to blog about my Thanksgiving, which was both the best and the not so best I've ever had. I think the appropriate term is bitter sweet. But that will have to wait another day. I have a report to write and procrastinating isn't making it any easier!!

The way I see myself

I was right - time IS flying by! It doesn't help that I no longer have an internet connection at home and can't blog as often as I would like to!

The last few weeks (and month, really) have been quite a roller coaster for me. Lots of ups and downs. I know life is supposed to be like that, but it's less fun when the highs and lows come closer together.

I think I've learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks. I feel like the image of who I am in my mind is becoming clearer. It kind of feels like my whole life I only ever saw representations of me, as if I had only seen myself as drawn by someone else. Have you ever tried to draw a self portrait? It's harder than you think! I have a self-portrait that I can tell it's me, but then again it's not an accurate reflection of what I actually look like. Oh, here it is...

(I went for a "neutral" pose here, and I think it's significant and maybe a little "freudian" that it came out looking so sad...)

I have thought a lot about what it means to be "me" over the last few weeks. The thing is, I don't know that I've ever been clear about who I am because of the way I've treated myself and, to a certain extent, the way I've let others treat me.

Sure, I could go on an on about how there were emotional messages I never got as a child, and that I never really believed I was important or of value to anyone, consequently, I treated myself as unimportant and without value and found that the world only reflected back to me what I already felt was true about myself. (Turns out I was wrong; that's a hard place to go to FYI!)

The irony is, the more I try to "find" myself, the more I feel the Spirit telling me that my journey isn't about self-discovery, nearly as much as self-creation. In other words, I shouldn't be asking, "who am I," but asking, "who do I want to become?" It isn't that I've somehow fallen out of alignment with myself, even though I do sometimes feel like I'm walking through life as a blurry image at times, but it's that I never realized that I get to decide who I am. If I don't like something about myself, I get to change it. It's pretty simple, but very powerful for someone like me who has felt so helpless all my life. I guess I'm done playing the victim and ready to take responsibility for myself and trying to learn how to accept the good and the bad.

I know we are all children of God and I know that we all have unique personalities and traits that we brought with us because they are a part of our spirits and a part of who we are, but I don't think Heavenly Father sent us to earth simply to uncover the things that make us who we are. I think He sent us here to build ourselves into something better.

Unlike the Hindu god Brahma, who sits back and simply observes that which he created, I think Heavenly Father never stops being a God of Creation and not only in the material sense. Sure, worlds are always being created and formed, but I think He is helping us as individuals to be created into something new (see 2 Corinthians 5:17), a new creature (John 3:1-8).

It's almost funny to me how, after making this revelation, I immediately feel the influence of the adversary, as subtle as my own thoughts, reminding me of who I was and fearing that I will never be able to change. It's true, I do look at my past and see a history of failures which makes me wonder if I can do anything other than fail or make wrong choices. But then another voice says that for every time I failed I got back up. That may not sound like much, but for someone who has been into "suicidal" territory, it's pretty major. Yes, life has beaten me down. Yes, life has given me hardships and an overwhelming load to bear. But "life" has also given me a Savior. He makes new life possible. He makes it possible for me to create myself into something new.

This is all very new territory for me. I'm entering a phase in my life that I've never been to. The scenery is unfamiliar and I don't know how I'm going to find my way. I may stumble and will often want to go back to the "comfort and security" of who I was, even if it means getting back into negative self-talk and depression. But  I have to believe that this road is the right one. I think I'm going to like what I find in this new place and I'm sure the views will be worth the climb.

Incidentally, I want to send a big THANK YOU to everyone who has ever supported me to any degree. It is so important to value and praise each other, but it's just as important to accept it. I know that I may have offended some, who, when trying to offer a compliment, I disputed it and whether I vocalized it or not, I found various reasons as to why they were wrong. As much as I thought I needed that external validation, what I really needed was internal validation.

I never learned how to tell myself that I am ok. I craved attention and wanted the world to see that I am important, but then when I did get any measure of praise or compliment, I discounted it because it didn't match the picture of who I thought I was. I didn't feel deserving of it and so, I didn't accept it. How may people out there think they need the world to validate them, but when they are praised it doesn't mean anything because really what they need is to accept themselves. That to me is the definition of despair, thinking you need something from the world and not realizing that you have the power to get it from within. I suppose in some weird "coping mechanism" way I felt that if I could convince the world that I was worth something, then that would in turn convince me that I was worth something.

I can tell you right now that self-esteem doesn't work that way! I have to decide that I'm worth something and be okay with who I am. That is a struggle for me - it doesn't come naturally. I've noticed a pattern in my life: I feel disatisfied with something > I struggle to understand it > I learn a lesson > I have to practice the lesson. The hardest part for me is practicing the lessons!

So thank you to everyone who believed in me. Thank you for trying to tell me that you saw more to me than I saw in myself. I hope it's possible to click "publish post" and have this message transcend time and space to reach all those who have been an influence for good for me. I can only hope that one day, I might be able to return the favor.

Update

October is here and I know the rest of the year is now going to fly by! I'm looking forward to the holidays though. Mostly, I just want to survive my classes. They are hard, but I also love what I'm learning and I love what I'm doing. I know I'm in the right place for me right now and that gives me peace.

I loved GenCon 180* by the way; I don't know if I'll have time to post about some of what I learned, but the whole conference was awesome! I LOVE Saturday morning sessions! I don't know what it is, but I think some of the best talks come out of that session.

One thing I will say, I have a renewed testimony of prayers being answered. I had a couple (and by a couple I mean many) questions I was hoping to have answered and while I can't say that each question was answered as directly as I would like, I know that the answers are there. I decided that I would put a star next to the names of the speakers in my notes that I felt were speaking to my specific questions and I ended up starring over half the talks.

Heavenly Father let me know that the answers are there and, in a weird way, I'm glad the answers aren't as deliniated as I'd hoped; I guess what I'm saying is, I'm grateful that He's making me work for finding those answers. I know He doesn't want to make things hard, but He wants me to appreciate the lessons I have to learn and I always appreciate the things I have to work for. For the moment it was confirmation enough that the answers are there and now I just need to seek them out.

Except, when do I have time to search, ponder, and pray?!?! Ugh! I am buried in school work and I have a major test tomorrow that I know I'm not ready for. I guess I have to remember to take things one day at a time and deal with what I CAN do, rather than worry about what I can't control. That's a hard lesson for me to learn.

One thing that I've come to know is important to finding balance, is boundaries. Have you ever had a relationship that, while not necessarily outright destructive, was maybe just subtly corrosive? I have. It's not easy putting up the boundary that says, "I can't let you hurt me anymore," when the other person is not cognizant of what they're doing. But I had to do that recently and it's strange, because it doesn't necessarily make me happy, BUT, I have to admit that when I did I felt an amazing sense of freedom and a weight being lifted. I felt freer, and that to me is an indication that I did the right thing. I hope things change in the future, but for the moment, I know it was the right thing to do. I just hope the other person realizes that I still love them, but I can't "love" people at the cost of my own well being.

*GenCon 180 is the 180th session of General Conference!

Seasons

Where does the time go? Seriously, Fall is just around the corner and then 2010 will be gone. 2010!!! I still remember people freaking out over Y2K like it was yesterday! I have to say, that I wish I lived somewhere that had Spring for 6 months, then Fall for 6 months. I love both those season's the most and I am really looking forward to Fall. True, I'll miss most of it being in school, but I'll enjoy walking around campus when the leaves start changing colors (some have already up in the mountains!).

Why am I thinking about Fall? Because I am at the Library and I am supposed to be studying for a huge test tomorrow. I am overwhelmed at what I don't know, so I am avoiding it. Not a good strategy... okay, back to the books!!

p.s. wish me luck tomorrow!

I little note about friends

I took a break from studying today and spent some time catching up on people's blogs. First, of all, I don't keep in touch with people nearly as much as I ought to (I didn't say "should!"). Second, I think I have some of the best friends ever. I'm sure everyone feels that way about their friends, which is good. But I just wanted to go "on record" as saying that I think I have the BEST friends ever!

I think my friends are the kind of people who make you feel like you want to be a better person just by being around them. I need those kind of people and I feel pretty lucky to have that! I hope I can be that kind of friend in return.