Seasons

Where does the time go? Seriously, Fall is just around the corner and then 2010 will be gone. 2010!!! I still remember people freaking out over Y2K like it was yesterday! I have to say, that I wish I lived somewhere that had Spring for 6 months, then Fall for 6 months. I love both those season's the most and I am really looking forward to Fall. True, I'll miss most of it being in school, but I'll enjoy walking around campus when the leaves start changing colors (some have already up in the mountains!).

Why am I thinking about Fall? Because I am at the Library and I am supposed to be studying for a huge test tomorrow. I am overwhelmed at what I don't know, so I am avoiding it. Not a good strategy... okay, back to the books!!

p.s. wish me luck tomorrow!

I little note about friends

I took a break from studying today and spent some time catching up on people's blogs. First, of all, I don't keep in touch with people nearly as much as I ought to (I didn't say "should!"). Second, I think I have some of the best friends ever. I'm sure everyone feels that way about their friends, which is good. But I just wanted to go "on record" as saying that I think I have the BEST friends ever!

I think my friends are the kind of people who make you feel like you want to be a better person just by being around them. I need those kind of people and I feel pretty lucky to have that! I hope I can be that kind of friend in return.

School update

So, I love my classes! They are somewhat technical, things like phonetics and anatomy, but I LOVE learning about this stuff!! I know I am doing the right thing.

Sometimes, I still get scared though and think, is this really gonna work out? There is so much uncertainty still regarding my work schedule and, consequently, monetary implications. I go back and forth between worry and peace. I worry that I am doing the wrong thing or not doing enough. Then I sit back and realize that so much of what I've been through this last year has been guided by the Lord. So I know he's in charge and I know if I just trust him, and not get in his way, it will all work out. But it's SO not in my nature to just sit back and wait. I am way to much of a control freak - I hate uncertainty and I hate feeling like I'm doing nothing when there's so much I SHOULD be doing.

I also hate the word "should." It has the potential to carry so many negative connotations. If there is someting I "should" be doing, but don't, then I condemn myself for failing, i.e., I label myself a failure. (Yes, I am extremely hard on myself!) The thing is, I'm afraid that if I'm not hard on myself, then I'll get lazy or complacent somehow and that negative pressure is the only thing that's ever worked to motivate me to get anything done. But the older I get, the more I realize that the price I pay for that, the self-deprecation, is a bit too high in the long run and probably not worth the cost.

But change is hard. And takes faith. Which, ultimately, is a good thing. I know this is just another opportunity to stop worrying about what I should be doing, and stop agonizing about what I'm not doing, and focus on what I can do. I've never been good at functioning within my sphere of control, I'm usually focusing on my limits (or even what's outside my limits). I suppose feeling powerless can be fairly common, which is probably why the concept of focusing on what can be controlled is part of the twelve-step process.

So I don't know what my future holds, but for the moment, I think I'm in just the right place. I am happy in school and feel like that is as much a confirmation as anything else that I'm doing what I "should" be doing.

Family Reunion

My textbooks came in the mail on Saturday!! Whoohoo!!! It made school feel that much more real. I was so excited I started reading them right away!! I'm such a nerd.

Saturday was a fun day for a lot of reasons. It was our family reunion and we went to Lagoon. I have so many un-fond memories of Lagoon that I was having a hard time going; but my desire to see my cousins won out. Thank goodness. I wasn't there for very long, but it was great getting together and seeing how everybody was doing. It was strange, but I had a moment of "connectedness" that I didn't expect. I don't know that I can really describe it better than that; but it was something like feeling I was part of something. It was a good feeling and I am glad to have the family I have. Each in their own way are special, and I love all of them!

It was also an opportunity to let go of something. I gave all the lapidary* stuff I had from dad and grandpa, to my cousin Cam. I was holding on to it because of the memories I had being with dad and grandpa, rock hunting, metal detecting, panning for gold, etc. I imagined that as soon as I got into my own house, I would set up a "rock" shop and start cutting and polishing rocks. But over the last few months, I've realized that that idea was built more out of a nostalgic longing, than an actual plan. My intent was to hold on to something and the physical materials made it seem more real, but I had to ask myself, what am I really holding on to? I was holding on to memories, memories of being with my dad and enjoying his company and, if I might indulge my recollections, feeling like he enjoyed my company too.

I miss him. I think I'm having a harder time than I've been willing to acknowledge to myself lately. Especially now that school is starting. He always gave me a blessing before starting school. Oh, I know there a number of people around me who would give me a blessing if I asked, but it isn't the same. I'm reminded of part of my remarks at my friend Kim's funeral, I talked about how you don't lose someone just once, but that you lose them over and over. When you walk into their room, hear a song that reminds you of them, etc., you feel like you lose them again. Even after three years I still feel that, especially with school starting. Somethings are different though. As I said in my talk, with the help of time passing, I don't see all the ways I've lost him, but all the ways he is with me. That is a comfort and I think why I felt that "connection" at the family reunion. It reminded me that we are sealed to each other through Priesthood and Temple ordinances and no power on earth can divide that. We will be together again and I long for that day to arrive.

In the meantime, I'm trying to be realistic about what I hold on to. Hence, the giving away of the lapidary supplies. I know they mean a lot to Cam too, and I'm glad that they are going to someone who will use them, love using them, and hopefully, keeps that connection alive and well.

Thanks to everyone who came to the family reunion, it was great seeing you all and I love you!!

*Lapidary for the uninitiated is a fancy word that means rock cutting.

The Blessed Shopper

I've never revealed this to anyone, but I have a tendency to be a bit of a "lucky leprechaun" when I shop. Things like finding the exact item I want is on sale when none of the other similar products are; or it's common for me to find the LAST item in stock; the list goes on.

Anyway, last night was a bit of a doozy! So, I went to a podiatrist and she said I HAD to buy new shoes (I know, quell disappointment, no?) and some orthotic inserts. I went to REI and I thought I had what I needed, but just before I was about to leave the sales guy (who had been helping someone else) came over and asked if I found what I needed. After talking with him, it turned out, I hadn't. This guy knew everything and he was awesome! Needless to say, he helped me find exactly what I needed and I've had the best day on my feet today EVER! Thank you REI Dave!

I know what you're thinking, that's not such a big deal, that was his job. But, wait! It gets even better. I went over to Dillard's (again, my podiatrist said so) to find some shoes and she even gave me some specific brands to look for. I love shoes*. The lady in the shoe department seemed annoyed with me at first, because she kept asking if I needed help and I said I was "just looking." She finally got the message and would just waft by occasionally to check on me. I try to be really nice to sales people, they have hard jobs and they deal with mean people a lot, so I always try to feel out how jovial I can be with someone; sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. This time, it worked. So I started trying on some shoes and also tried to be happy with her and be slightly sarcastic (which I do REALLY well!) and she seemed to relax a little. I'll jump to the end: I ended up buying two pairs of shoes, for which she gave me two or three discounts, then gave me a bottle of Calvin Klein's Eternity for Men (not a sample, a whole freaking $100 size bottle!) for free, and two sketchers baseball caps (Mishka was with me), which were really nice! I was shocked! I actually gave her a hug and she said not to tell her husband! wink, wink!! :) Needless to say, she warmed up to me and even the manager came over and joined in on a couple of laughs. Talk about a "Lucky" shopping trip! I found the best shoes ever, and got tons of free stuff thrown at me!

In all reality, what it boils down to, ISN'T luck. It was being friendly to someone who had a long day. As we were getting ready to leave, the manager, who saw this lady giving me all this free stuff said, "it's nice to help people who are happy." Ultimately, it isn't all the free stuff that makes me feel good, it's knowing that I really made a difference in someone's day, just by being kind to them. My motivation was just to see her smile and I think that's why she gave me that stuff, she knew I was genuine and that I wasn't "angling" for anything. I remember when she gave me the cologne, and I asked her why, she said, in her thick Asian accent, "you're a good guy."

How cool is that? Maybe it's just my luck!

*I love shoes because I'm fat. i.e., unlike clothes, which never fit, I can always find shoes that fit, so I developed a taste for shoe shopping...

Now that's a bad day!

I just LOVE ths picture, it makes me laugh EVERY time I see it!!!

Lately, it serves as two reminders: 1) No matter how bad I think my day is, someone out there is having a worse one; and 2) Even a bad day can end up being a good laugh.

Not that my days have been terrible, or anything. I AM having a hard time at work; that's no secret though. I have a great job and the money is good, but I am reaching a point in my life where I feel the need to contribute. I want to feel that someone else's life was just a little better today because I was there and I was their friend. Not that I need any recognition; I just need to feel like I was useful to someone. That's what makes me feel important and worthwhile. My job doesn't give me that. I know that any condition we're in is only temporary. My sister's quote on her blog from Robert Frost is timely for me as well. He said, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

I love that reminder because it IS hard to remember. I recently gave a lesson in Elder's Quorum about the storms of life and how they can "cloud" our perspective because they are all we see, and so often it's hard to see past the boistrous winds and waves, and we become overwhelmed and afraid. I should say, "I become overwhelmed and afraid...," because I can't speak for anyone else. That's just been my experience. But life goes on. the storms pass. (The point of my lesson was that the Savior is our Rock in those times and he has the power to calm ALL storms, the natural, as well as emotional, storms of life.)

That's why I am looking forward to school so much. I have no illusions that it will be easy. I know working full-time and going to school full-time is going to wear on me, but I am excited because I know that this profession (Speech Language Pathology) is a step toward living a life of purpose.

My challenge now is to be patient. I don't do that well. I know, like any skill, it takes practice and I am grateful that I see this time in my life as an opportunity to improve that skill. It helps me realize that my Father in Heaven is not so concerned with my happiness that he won't allow me the growth that comes from trials. Let me say that another way, more than he wants me to be happy, he wants me to be better. With faith, trials make us better; with fear, trials make us bitter. Sometimes it's a fine line, but most of the time it's really just a choice.

Ughh! I SO hate taking responsibility for myself!! That, like patience, is also something I am not naturally inclined to. I've spent so much of my life blaming other people and circumstances for my unhappiness, that I have a "natural" tendancy to point the finger at anything and everyone but me. The last couple of years, however, have taught me that it's time to stop blaming everyone else and start being accountable for my own choices. It's amazing, but when I do, I feel free. I guess I would have thought that finally admitting that I am to blame for many of the bad things that have happened to me would have overwhelmed me with guilt and regret, and to a certain extent I do feel that at times, but, unexpectedly, I sometimes receive the same miracle that the Savior's disciples received (Matthew 8:26):

"Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm."

Now that's a good day!

At work we've been reading a book called "How Full is your Bucket" and as a project we've been filling people's bucket - kind of like a secret santa - with encouragement, praise, etc.

Anyway, I went to a meeting and when I came back to my cubicle I had paper posted all over the place. They were notes from my co-workers with compliments for and about me. It was very touching and I really needed it. I've been having a hard time at work lately and it was humbling to feel like I'm making a difference, or at the very least, having a positive impact on others.

I gathered up the strips and put them behind my computer where I can see them...

It made my day and will probably be one of the best surprises I've ever had!! Thank you Jennie!!! (My secret santa bucket filler!)

A particular kind of music

So, I really do like all kinds of music (except country music, which is an oxymoron!). But occasionally, when I'm feeling sombre or melancholy, I like music that is soft and makes me feel like I'm floating. I don't know why it's so comforting, or soothing, but I sometimes really need it to de-stress.


I recently came across one such song on the soundtrack to the movie Corpse Bride. I have always liked this movie, and the score, but there was one song that really seemed to match my need for calmness. I played this song over and over for a couple of days. I guess I'm totally stupid, because I just now realized that my need to comfort has of course been influenced by the difficulties of the past week with my friend passing away and reliving some things from my past.

In any case, I was pondering why this music was so touching to me and why I was so affected by it. And then, more slowly than suddenly, I realized what it is. It captures the sweetness of time passing. I'm usually in a rush to get things done, I never seem to have the time to do all the things that need to get done in a day. But listening to that song, and others like it, reminds me to slow down and appreciate the things that can't be rushed.

I feel a little emabarassed to admit this, but I woke up this morning far too early and I couldn't get that phrase "time passing sweetly" out of my head, so I went to my computer and wrote down my thoughts. It turns out, I wrote it in poem form. I wanted to share it here, but I'm not a poet, so I'm a little embarassed at how juvenile it must sound (I give you permission to make fun of me!). But in any case, I hope it serves me as a reminder that some things cannot be rushed, and it's okay to slow down and appreciate them. And fortunately, I have great music to help me do that.



Time Passing Sweetly

There’s always so much to do.
Each day is filled with things to be done,
Rushing from one task to another;
Because,
After all,
There’s only so much time in a day.

But there are moments in life
Where time is not measured by the quantity of accomplishments.

These are moments of time passing sweetly.

Have you ever been alone in the woods and listened?
Somehow, beneath the birds chirping,
Beyond the insects buzzing,
Past the wind sighing,
You can almost feel the trees growing;
There, time passes sweetly.

Have you ever sat and watched a day end?
To see the sun slowly descend,
To see the rays of light cast a golden glow through the air,
To see the clouds washed with color,
To see the sky darken into the solitude of night;
That is time passing sweetly.

And there are other evidences of time passing sweetly.

In the thin, sometimes fluffy, white hair,
In the wrinkles and lines of age,
In the stooped shoulders that have borne so many burdens,
In the step, not quite as sure as it used to be,
In the hands, bent and misshapen, but with the warmest touch,
I see time passing sweetly.

And one day,
Our hearts will be mended.
All our cuts, bruises, scars, and deformities will be healed;
Where we are in pain, where we are damaged and broken,
All will be repaired.
But,
Most thankfully,
Our hearts will be mended;
As time passes sweetly.

This is the comfort in the promise of Eternity;
Time passing sweetly.

Tragedy in the Holladay 29th Ward

I don't know if I've ever said how much I love my single's ward. But I love it. Alot. I have seen the 29th ward go through some pretty significant changes over the past 10 years that I've been in it. While it is always changing, the one thing that hasn't changed is how I feel when I'm there. The ward is not just a ward to me, but a family. I love everyone there, even if I don't know them that well.

Such is the case with Kim and Joe. Kim Evans and Joe Clark are in our ward family and our hearts go out to them, and especially Kim's family. For those of you who may not know, yesterday (Saturday June 26th) Joe and Kim were hiking when they fell into a river and Kim was swept away over a waterfall (Bell's Canyon). Joe was rescued and lifeflighted to Intermountain Medical Center. He's not as injured as news reports indicated, but I can't imagine what he's feeling. He remembers everything that happened. Kim has yet to be found. They called off the search yesterday, when it became too dark, but they are resuming again this morning. I haven't heard anything yet, but I do know that late afternoon yesterday rescuers told the family that they were not hopeful they could find her alive. It is a recovery effort, not a rescue effort, at this point.

I still pray for a miracle. I know that my Heavenly Father is a God of Miracles, but I also know that he holds all life in his hands. When all else fails to help us understand his will, it is essential that we accept it. Isaiah 55:8-9 says that his ways are higher than our ways, his thoughts higher than our thoughts. That gives me hope that he knows what he's doing and I trust him. It's hard to lose a member of my ward family and it brings back a lot of painful memories of when my own father passed away. But along with the pain, there is peace. I also remember the things I have learned as a result of losing a loved one and going through such a difficult experience.

I know that God lives. I know that He loves all of His children. I know that in His desire to have us come home to Him, He provided a Savior, who is Jesus Christ. I know that the Savior suffered the bitterest agonies of our pains, our losses, and our sins, so that we might not have to suffer. It's okay to feel pain, to feel loss and sorrow, but suffering is not necessary. I know that because He died and was resurrected that all of God's children born to this earth will be resurrected. These gifts, of which I can only barely begin to comprehend, allow us to return to the presence of our Father. Only because of the Savior are we allowed the opportunity to return to His presence, and our choices in this life determine whether or not we stay in His presence. If Kim has not survived this fall, I know that she will definitely be going home to stay.

Modem fail

My modem was dropping my internet connection, like, literally, every 5 minutes. I finally called and they said they would send me a new one in two business days. I got it and set it up and it seems to be working great.

It was only two business days and I thought I was going to die. I can't believe that I need the internet SO MUCH that it would elicit such a strong feeling of desperation and anxiety. The thing is, I really enjoy non-electronic forms of diversion, such as walking, hiking, writing, painting, cooking, reading, etc. that I really shouldn't feel DEPENDENT on having the internet.

But I do - the internet is my source of information. If I have a question, I don't think about going to the library, or looking in the phone book (I can't even believe they still make them...), or whatever. My information trifecta is Google, Wikipedia, and IMDb (pretty much in that order). And I do place a lot of value on electronic entertainment, movies and music mostly, which I need the internet for. I guess I'm a sucker. I want to have a simpler life that is NOT dependent on electronics, but I get sucked in by it's accessability and reliability (when my modem is working) and that fact that it's available 24/7.

I think we're pretty spoiled, actually, to have this much technology and while it promotes connecting people over long-distances, it can also alienate close-distance relationships as well. Double-edged sword, I guess.

Anyway, my point is, I'm glad to have a working modem again!