Thoughts

I guess I don't post consistently. I have surges of frequent posting and then nothing, for weeks. I guess that is a lot like how I approach life, I get excited about something and go gung ho at it, and then the excitment wears off and I kind of drift on until I find the next thing to be excited about.

That's maybe where TV and movies come in. Movies and TV are excitement and diversion, without all the effort. I've known I'm lazy for awhile, so this doesn't surprise me. They are a good filler for when not much is happening. Speaking of TV...

I loved the end of LOST; I should say, I love how LOST ended. Who knew a sci-fi time traveling trippy series would have been so much about faith? I love that twist and I'm glad the producers/writers/actors stayed true to it throughout the last 6 years.

For me, Fringe is the new LOST. I love that show - it's still weird and sci-fi, but so much about the characters and what they deal with emotionally, that it feels like there's a real (almost) spiritual element to it. Just a great show!

Anyway, I'm just biding my time until Fall, when I start school. I have doubts as to whether or not my work will be able to accommodate my schedule, but I guess I shouldn't really worry about it. I know it will all work out the way it's supposed to.

Life takes faith and I need more practice.

I was thinking the other day how much our success in this life depends on Acceptance. I guess I mean all kinds of acceptance: accepting yourself, accepting others for who they are, accepting lifes up and downs, accepting all the things that have happened in our lives - the good and the bad, etc. I am not very good at it, but fortunately life affords much opportunity for practice.

I guess I haven't blogged too much because a lot of my time has been spent doing some introspection and learning lessons, mostly too personal to blog about. That's a good thing; the trials I am going through are teaching me a lot about myself and, little by little, I am learning to accept all that has happened, and is happening, to me.

Past life....

This is me circa 1958. I was known by the name Gerald Timothy. I'm not sure what look I was going for here... something between Colonel Sanders and Andy Griffith. The real tragedy here is having two first names for my full name and that the first one had to be "Gerald." Not an easy life, I'm telling you!

When white elephants are a sign

For some reason Elder Hales' message about self-acceptance has corresponded with quite a few messages about, and even relates to, me and dating. Dating and I have quite a history (I onced crashed a formal dance with 3 girls AT THE SAME TIME!! Yes, I've lived and I have a past NONE of you know about, which is SO another blog...). Anyway, currently, dating and I "are in a fight." We don't speak, nor have anything to do with each other. It's worked out for both of us that way for quite some time, but Elder Hales' visit and a few other messages, seem to be encouraging dating and I to "kiss and make up," so to speak. (By the way, the fact that I chose dating as a euphemism for dating either means I'm totally brilliant and witty, or I'm psychotic - it's a fine line. I'm just going to settle for "somewhat clever.")

Really what I'm building up to is the fact that something happened today that made realize that all the messages are probably NOT coincidence, and I've been trying VERY hard to keep these events in the "coincidental" category... until I won these today as a white elephant gift....

Now, if you think they are red plastic champagne flutes with hearts attached to the stem, you are totally, 100% correct. I know what you're thinking, "Those are smashing!" Okay, unless your british, you probably weren't thinking that. What I was thinking after I unwrapped them was, "Oh crap!" (well, that and "Best. White. Elephant. Gift. Ever.")

I think the only thing left is for me to get hit over the head with a stick to realize that dating and I are courting again... now the only problem left... who do I ask out? Is there a white elephant gift that can tell me that?!?

Elder Hales visits the 29th ward

Sunday our ward had Elder Hales come by for a visit. The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve are seriously considering what to do with singles and the single's wards. I don't know why they choose our ward, but they've been through a few times, mostly members of the 70, though, not usually members of the 12. I guess it helps that our first counselor in the Bishopric is Pres. Monson's home teacher, but whatev's.

Anyway, I got to pass Elder Hales the sacrament and some people were thinking it was a big deal. Take it from me, it wasn't. I've served the sacrament to Pres. Monson and it wasn't any different. I'm  not saying it's not cool, but really, they aren't any different in that respect. Wouldn't it be weird to have a goal to pass the sacrament to ALL the members of the 12? If I were to do something like that, then right now I'd be saying, 1 down 11 to go!!

The real point of all of this is that Elder Hales gave a really simple message, but one that I needed to hear. It was primarily about self-acceptance. I won't go over everything, I'd have to be able to read my notes to do that and I was writing to so fast most of it's not legible anyway..., but I will mention one or two things that stood out to me.

He said that we were to go home, look in the mirror, call ourselves by name and say, "It's good enough, just being you." That might sound all Stuart Smalley to some people, but I tried it, and it was surprisingly hard. I've been doing so much work trying to be okay with "me" that it surprised me how hard it was to say the words. It was like, saying it loud made it real and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. I think the other reason it was hard is because I don't yet know how to reconcile the "be okay with yourself" and "constantly improve" dictums that I feel I've been given. Those two things feel at odds with each other - how can I be okay with myself if I need to improve? If I need to improve something, doesn't that imply that I'm NOT okay with myself? I don't know, I haven't really figured that out yet. But at least I'm trying and I feel like I'm at least going to be blessed for following his counsel.

The truth is, it actually worked a little. I think a part of me couldn't help but believe what I was saying was true. As much as I've tried to avoid that kind of honesty with myself, I really had to admit that I really do like who I am, even if there are things about me I don't like. Then when I think about the things I don't like I tend to forget about the things I do like and my self-esteem suffers. Liking myself is a choice and for whatever reason, that choice does not come naturally to me, but like any quality, it can be practiced. Which is what I plan to do.

I know everyone knows the phrase, "whether you think you can or you think you can't you're right," but I've developed my own little version of that that goes like this: The only reason you think you can't, is because you think you can't. Conversely, the positive iteration of this would be: The reason you think you can, is because you think you can. (ha ha, I suddenly thought of the little engine that could... I guess this positive message had been around for while...)

Anyway, at the very least, it feels good to know that what I'm working on is important and to have an Apostle tell me that, from the pulpit, makes me feel like I'm on the right track and that helps even more to "think I can" handle this and get through it.

One week anniversary

Officially, yesterday was day 7 without any sugar or simple carbs (for me that includes no pasta, rice, bread, etc.)!!! Woohoo!

I don't have any particular goal or time frame for not eating sugar, I'm just trying not to eat it anymore. I felt like it was time to make more of an effort. I've spent the last year or so bemoaning my fate when I eat unhealthy food and I finally decided that I do not want to do that anymore. Yes, it means sacrifice and maybe turning down a dinner invite or two, but I think in the long run it will be worth it. Well, it's my health, so I know it will be worth it.

It's been a weird week. I think it took me a couple of days before I felt like I was "detoxing." That is, headaches and kinda moody, and a few more days of rotating moods, happy, then sad, upbeat, then melancholy, etc. It's almost feels like an emotional thermostat trying to reset itself. I don't know how else to describe it. I can honestly say that I feel better. I'm a little bit more tired still, but I think my body is trying to adjust to living on fewer calories. I'm not starving myself or anything, I just find that I can't eat as much in one sitting when the food is nutrient dense, which is a good thing. The base of my diet is vegetables, lean meats (mostly eggs and poultry), and healthy fats.

So my plan is just to go as long as I can and pay attention to how my body responds. My main goal is to help control the amount of calories I eat and to make sure the base of my diet is nutritious. I know I eat a TON more when I eat sugar -  don't know why exactly, but I think it's something like this. When I eat sugar, I'm getting a lot of calories, but no nutrients. I think my body responds by saying, "Hey! We got enough calories, but we don't have enough building blocks here (proteins, amino acids, enzymes, anti-oxidants, etc.) - you gotta eat some more!" So I crave more food, unfortunately, cravings typically cause me to eat unhealthy food, which only gives me more calories, but essentially starves my body of what it needs. So what does it do? Store the excess calories (turning love handles into a loveseat!) and keep me running to the fridge, or the store, or the fast food restaurant.

Again, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's exactly what's going on. Anyway, I have noticed that I do not crave things as often. I still get cravings once in a while, especially the first few days (trust me, it was a fight not to give in!), but now I seem to be having fewer and they are less intense. That makes me feel good and also makes me feel like I am doing the right things.

I know I have a long way to go. I've lived for so long not understanding how my own body works that I've left myself open to temptations and whims and I finally feel like I'm just beginning to understand how to get it under control. In one sense though, the damage is done and I have to accept the consequence of my actions in making me this heavy.

Sorry if this expression is too crude for you, but it's a reall kick in the crotch to realize that even though I was innocently ignorant, it doesn't change the fact that the way I am is a result of my own choices. That's been a tough one for me to accept. But I think I'm at the point where I realize I have to accept it before I can move forward. And, of course, no one else can change my body for me. Whether I feel it's fair or not to be the way I am and regardless of whether I accept it as a result of my own actions, no one can lose the weight for me. I have to be the one to fix it, even if I feel like I'm not the one who caused me to be fat in the first place.

So, that's what I'm trying to do and now I've got 7 sugar-free days under my belt, which I hope will translate into much fewer pounds under my belt down the road. I want to thank everyone who's been supportive of me in eating healthy and encouraging me to keep going, even when I feel like I've failed. I know I have to be the one to change, but I couldn't do it alone either.

p.s. I'll just put in a plug here for Elder Uchtdorf's talk in this last Priesthood Session on Patience. It's AMAZING and been a very timely message for me.

I already know I'll be eating out twice next week, so my goal is to make healthier choices and not overdo it on anything. I feel confident that I can successfully navigate eating out now that I've had this week to encourage me and help me remember that eating healthy really does make a difference in how I feel and I really do want to feel good!

"Bring Your Blog to Work" Day!

I thought since my sis was having so much fun documenting her daily life in the PRC, I thought, "why not document mine?" The photos* below outline my journey through work on a typical day.

*Click on a photo to see it enlarged.

I arrive. This is what my building looks like from where I park. (No, I'm not forced to park out in BFE, but it's just something I do to encourage more daily walking.)

By the by, it was a pretty morning!

Here is our reception desk that I walk past every morning.

Here is the big logo I pass as well. I go just around the corner to the left to clock in.

Me clocking in. (7:15am - right on time!)

Here is the LONG hall I walk down to the secure area of the building.

Here we are! Quick lean to the right to wave my badge in front of the security... thingy.

Here's the next hall! An immediate turn to the left...

...and I'm at my department. We are smak dab in the middle of the building with no sky lights or windows. Lame.

I walk straight ahead a bit, then turn right.

Straight ahead to the first left.

Hit the "clr" button on the copy machine as I walk past because I'm Monk-ishly OCD and say hi to the pretend greenery. Turning right.

My cubie is the last on the left.

You can tell because it has my name on it...

Here's looking into one corner...

...here's the other.

This is my fun wall. It's fun! Lots of China stuff from Reb!

This is my POV (point of view) just before I log in to my computer.

This is me working. (for those of you who are frequent visitors, I just happen to be wearing my Orange Sweater again - I promise, I've only worn it to work, like, three times now. And, memo to me, didn't realize it brought out my bald spot so much... hmm... I'll have to think about that one...

Anyway, here is my co-worker. We are on the same team. We don't talk much. (J/K - she's at school a lot so I don't see her much anyway!)

Today wasn't typical in that we were going on a field trip. They just finished the SelectHealth building and were giving us a tour, so...

Here's the other end of the hall from where I entered the "secured" area - basically at the back door that is not open to the public.

Here we are on our way.

And here's the entrance we just left.

The new home of SelectHeath. It may look somewhat plain, but it really is a nice building.

This was in the elevator. Look how cute Loretta is, she's not usually so coy! By the way, on the far left, that is not red eye on Ashley; she is half dutch, half devil.

This is the view looking west from the third floor, at the end of our tour.

That's really about it. All in all, it was a typical day, excepting for our little excursion, and now it's time to go home. Back out the maze and down the long hall...

...this is me clocking out. 4:21pm - phew, long day!

There's Eli (my car) still waiting for me waaaaaay at the end of the parking lot.

"Bye, Employee Services Center, see you tomorrow!"

I just realized why I never documented my daily life before - way too boring!!

Woohoo!!!

"April 14*, because it's not too hot and it's not too cold. All you need is a light jacket!"

Today was the "perfect date" and it really was a beautiful day; I took a couple of walks around our building to enjoy the sunshine. After how stormy (and snowy?!?) it's been lately, it felt awesome!



But what made me really happy, was that I registered for my classes today!!! I am so excited!! I've been smiling all day and it's a wonder I got anything done at work!! I start this Fall!!! It finally feels official.

*After some Ninja Googling, I realized the actual quote should be April 25... but you get the idea!

Past lives... 1960

I realize my blog can get a little TOO serious, so today I've decided to inject a little levity and reveal one of the people I used to be in a past life.

This me when my name was Garth (Garth Pembrook actually). This is in 1960 when my mom was 10 years old and my dad was 12. It is also loving referred to as my "Raymond Burr" period.

Stay tuned... so many past lives, so little time...

Why we have journals...

After my last post, I was feeling the need to express myself further, so  I drew this, the picture I had in my head. The blob on the ground is my shadow. It's supposed to be like looking from my vantage point. I know it's a simple (i.e., rough) rendering, but for me, this captures the fear of the unknown and the uncertainty of whether or not I think I'm ready to move foward and walk into the unknown.

Today I pulled out an old spiralbound notebook that I had used in school, which I have a tendency to use as journals. I've got all these notebooks with random things in them, some have dates, some don't. I opened it to write some thoughts down and instead, I started looking through it. I found an old entry of a time I went to a ropes course. It's one of those team building things where you do various obstacle courses. Not my favorite thing. But it did bring back some old memories. One being that I really do have the courage to face my fears and do hard things.

I accept some things in life are coincidences; but not this. It really was an answer to a prayer - not the one I expected and certainly not in the way I expected - but an answer nonetheless. It reminded me that EVERY ordinary person is capable of extraordinary things. I took the time to do more introspection and I learned many things about myself and my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I identified a cycle that I fall into and that helped me identify some of my major pitfalls that lead to a lot of frustration.

Two of the things I know I need to work on right now are combating negative thoughts and not worrying so much about what other people think of me (yes, still working on this one!). These are not mutually exclusive, but they do seem to show up a lot together.

I learned one other thing: This is why we have journals!!

The Black Holes of life

Black Holes suck. Literally and figuratively. Theoretically, they spew. Radiation. But whatever, I'm not a scientist. Where am I going with this? Not a clue. I'll just keep typing and see what happens...

Some things that are my life's black holes: Negative Thoughts. Sugar. Movies/TV. They are black holes because they suck away my energy and/or time. Why are time and energy so valuable that we mourn their loss, then regret having lost them and then think we can somehow cheat and spend money to buy them back? I want to believe there is a quickfix to my problems, a magic pill, so to speak. I don't think I'm alone in that and it gives me some sympathy for people who become desparate and trade the magic pill for a magic bullet to solve their problems. Now, don't freak out on me, I'm not saying I'm suicidal, but I'm walking in someone else's shoes right now and feeling some empathy.

There is no quick fix and no magic pill (or bullet for that matter). I think my biggest black hole has been desperately wanting to find one, but knowing I never will.

That's kind of depressing, isn't it? Sorry. Depression is a side-effect of carbs for me. It should be apparent that I have not eaten well this week.... I guess, upon further reflection, I'm not so much depressed as stuck. It's a hard thing to realize that the only way out of something is through it. Then it's harder to feel like you don't have the ability TO get through it.

It's like looking at the mouth of a long dark tunnel, knowing that walking through it is the only way to go, but so afraid of the dark that you're paralized from taking that first step. It's so much easier to lay down and wait for someone to come along and take your hand and lead you through it. It takes many years to realize that no one's coming.

If I'm honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that only reason no one's coming is because the only One who can, already did. He already walked through the tunnel and it's up to me to follow... or not.  Can I follow? I don't know... that's why I'm stuck. I know what I NEED to do, I just don't believe I CAN do it. Enter the negative thought black hole...

Wow, I really had no intention of blogging about this, but I think I did because I need advice. How have any of you out there faced your fears? How do you find the courage to take that first step...?