Pumpkin Envy

Picture it: Walmart, 2012, 7:30am.

I was innocently shopping when two people, independently and within minutes of each other, looked into my shopping cart and complemented me on my pumpkins. (I know it sounds like a euphemism, but it's not!)

One lady even pointed out that she liked how long the stems were on my pumpkins and then asked me where I found them.

Pumpkin Envy. It's a real thing.

Two of my favorite things...

I love how this can be both ridiculous AND catchy (two of my favorite things)!

Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)

A few of his songs are this way - and they're great!! His name Mika (mee-kuh).

If you also like things ridiculous and catchy also check out Lollipop (slightly wrong lyrics, but you can google the right ones), Popular Song (sorry about the swears), and Grace Kelly (who else has a ka-ching-ah! at the end of a song?). Just don't say I didn't warn you - they are ridiculous...!!

GenCon 182

I really enjoyed General Conference this year. But that's no surprise, I enjoy it every year. It gave me quite a bit to think about - as usual. One thing was different, though. Normally, the Saturday morning session is my favorite session, but this time it was the Saturday afternoon session. Virtually every talk was something I needed to hear. I didn't really take notes this time. I just put a star next to the name of the speakers that I felt like I needed to go back and study. That let me really listen and think about what was being said. I think I starred every talk Saturday afternoon. I look forward to when the talks are available to read...

School has been pretty tough lately, I haven't been able to blog as much as I've wanted. I will be glad when the semester is over, for lots of reasons.

Sugar sickness

I hate being sick. I got sick last weekend after a sugar bender. It's a proven fact that sugar depresses the immune system. Apparently there were plenty of germy bugs just waiting for the chance to invade once my defenses were down.

Since changing my diet, I don't get sick all that often. Maybe a couple times a year and even then, it's usually not too severe. (But even a mild illness seems all the more horrible when you've been well for so long.) It's quite a contrast from how I used to be. I used to get sick at least 4 to 5 times a year. I even had what my sister termed a "basket of sickness." It was a basket that held my tissues, cough drops, medicine, etc. When I got sick I pulled out my basket of sickness and carried it with me everywhere I went. Now I can't remember the last time I even bought ibuprofen. I changed my diet for primarily weight issues, but it's nice to reflect and see that the overall health benefits I've gained have been very real.

One thing that hasn't changed is that when I'm sick I want to be babied. I go into helpless mode and all I want to do is sleep and have someone do everything for me. Once I was old enough to be on my own I didn't have that luxury and I still miss it. Sometimes.

Movies

I love movies. I love going to the movies. Not in the "cinema veritas/movie-as-an-art-form" kind of way. I just like escaping and being entertained. I love it when a movie captures my experience or prefectly expresses how I experience life. And since I'm lazy, I love that I don't have to "work" for it. Years from now scientists may prove that movies are the visual equivalent to twinkies, but who doesn't love twinkies - even though you know they're horrible for you?

I own over 500 movies and starting grad school was killer for me in that it meant I couldn't afford to watch/buy movies as often as I'd like. Well it's been a worthy sacrifice, I must say, but when I graduate I'll have some serious catching up to do. I did see a few movies recently, The Bourne Legacy, Total Recall, and The Odd Life of Timothy Green. All of which I really enjoyed and recommend.

Some of the movies I'm really excited for are: The Hobbit, Skyfall, Sapphires, Butter, Looper, Hotel Transylvania, The Impossible, Frankenweenie, Argo, Wreck-it Ralph, Les Miserables, Oz the Great and Powerful, The Host, Iron Man 3, Star Trek sequel, Man of Steel, Monster's University, Despicable Me 2, Jack the Gian Killer, and... maybe I didn't make as much of a sacrifice as I thought I had.

Okay, it's confession time. So, as a rule, I don't watch rated R movies. But I have seen my share and I just realized the other day that I actually AM an adult and can handle more adult content. Not that I'm advocating it - the prophets have said not to do it and I totally agree. But I am also human and sometimes my curiosity gets the better of me. Almost every single time I see a rated R movie, I'm disappointed. It is almost always the case that the entertainment value of the movie (either the story or special effects or whatever) are not nearly good enough to compensate for the reason the show is rated R. But for me, there are a couple of exceptions. One is District 9. Wow! Loved it! The other exception(s) are the Resident Evil movies. I LOVE them!!! They are so freaking awesome that I can't even express how much I love them!! Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit, but you get my drift. The fifth installment, Resident Evil: Retribution, is coming out soon and I can't wait! I'm not usually a fan of zombie apocalypse-type movies, but these are awesome!

I totally understand if you've lost all respect for me. :)

If only...

I've often had the "if only I had _____, then I would be happy" daydream. (FYI - it starts as a daydream and quickly becomes a cage.) I realized this Sunday that it's not the conditions of my life that I am unhappy with - it's me. I'm unhappy with me, and therefore, unhappy with my life.

I suppose that's why I hear about people who are thin and attractive or rich and famous, who seem to have it all and still commit suicide (part of this train of thought was influenced by the somewhat recent death of Tony Scott). How does someone who seemly has everything become so depressed that they commit suicide? I'm sure there are various reasons, but I know for some, it's just that they never learned to be happy with themselves.

My realization is also spurred by my trip to San Diego. Part of my purpose was to see if I liked it there enough that it might be some place I want to live after I graduate. I wondered, "can I move to a new town that is unfamiliar to me and be okay?" Well, the answer I received as I was driving home was that it doesn't really matter where I am - it only matters who I am. If I am unhappy with myself here in Salt Lake, I'll be unhappy with myself in San Diego or any other part of the country; location doesn't matter. When my mom asked me if it's some place I'd like to live I thought, sure, but really I can live anywhere. No matter where I am, if I'm happy with myself, then I'm happy with my life - no matter the conditions.

I'm sorry if this seems like another "I hate myself" kind of post, but I don't mean it to sound that way at all. In fact, just the opposite. I feel freer now that I 've recognized this. Because I can't always change my circumstances, but I can always change myself. All my life I've been waiting for the conditions of my life to improve ("if only I had ___"), when really I needed to just improve myself. And by improving myself I mean learning my worth and being comfortable in my own skin. The conditions of life will always come secondary to the conditions within myself and that is something I can do something about!

How to be okay with what you're not okay with

This is not a "how to" post and I'm definitely not giving advice...

So I've had this question for quite some time: How do I be okay with what I'm not okay with?

For example - I don't actually enjoy being fat. I'm not okay with it. I probably think about it more often than I care to (or should?) admit. But losing weight takes time, right? So I'm not going to lose weight overnight. Which means I need to "be okay" with being overweight until I lose it.

I hear you asking - why do I need to "be okay" with it? Because it's what I see in the mirror everyday and it's who I am. (Yes, I know it's just what I look like and that what I look like isn't supposed to be who I am, but in a way, it is who I am, because it's defined so much of my life's experiences...) I've had low self-esteem from being dissatisified with myself. Part of that dissatisfaction comes from being overweight. So I'm not okay with it, but it's going to take time to lose the weight. So how do I be okay with that? How do I say it's okay to be overweight while I'm trying to lose weight, when being overweight makes me feel bad about myself? That's like saying it's okay for me to feel bad about myself - which clearly, it isn't.

Does that make any kind of sense? Probably not. But it comes up a lot. Especially now in grad school when I feel overwhelmed and completely incompetent. I'm faced everyday with how I'm lacking and I'm forced to see my weaknesses, which makes me feel insecure and inferior. Add to that the weight issue and it's a perfect recipe for some imminent psychotic disorder, I'm sure.

I guess my point is, though, no one is perfect. We all have flaws and weaknesses and we all make mistakes. How do some people seem to be okay with that? With themselves? I even try to tell myself that I'm a "work in progress" and to be patient, but that doesn't mean much when I don't like what I see in the mirror or when my clothes don't fit right and my discomfort is a constant reminder of how dissastisifed I am with myself.

Any ideas on how to be okay with what you're not okay with?

San Diego photos

San Diego

I had a great time in San Diego! It was definitely the break I needed! I had a couple of things in mind to do, but not really anything I HAD to do, so I could take it easy and just wake up and decide what I was in the mood for. That's a vacation. Although it was the hottest/humidest two weeks of the summer in San Diego, it was bearable.

I went to 3 different beaches, Coronado, Mission, and Carlsbad and they were all amazing. I know I've been to beaches on both coasts, but I was very young and don't remember them in great detail. It was strange, then, that the sounds and smells were very familiar, the water, the washed up kelp, the breeze, the hot sand, etc. I didn't know that the air in the morning is foggy and thick, but then the sun comes up and burns off the fog and when the mist clears the sun is hot. The breeze coming off the ocean cools your skin and feels refreshing. It was wonderful. I went to Old Town, with the Mormon Battalion Museum (much cooler than I thought it would be) and the Gaslamp District - both were fun to walk around and see the various shops and restaurants. I especially enjoyed my dessert at Ghirardelli downtown. I also went to Balboa Park which has a lot of museums and cultural sights.

I also went to the San Diego Temple, which I've never been to before and it was amazing! Because it was mid-week and the middle of the day it wasn't busy so I got to walk around and see everything, as well as chat with some of the Temple workers and get some "insights" - so it was a great experience.

I spent the rest of my time attending a YSA-MSA conference which I don't have time to go into. I'll just say that I felt way to old to be there, but my host T. and her friends, who are all my age, made it much more fun! They were great and I enjoyed getting to know them. I appreciate that they were able to accept me into their "inner circle" so quickly - a testament to their ability to accept even the weirdest of people - i.e., me.

I have never driven by myself that far and it was fun. Okay, it was long too - about a 12 hour drive, but overall, I actually enjoyed it. I realized that I really can get around on my own, but my phone's GPS was a lifesaver!! Although being the son of a map lover, I miss the days where if you wanted to get somewhere you'd pull out a map and note which route to follow to get there. I suppose I still could have done that, but the GPS was much faster!

I'll be uploading some photos when I'm done editing them.

Doppelganger Fish

How do fish tell each other apart? You're in a school of fish, let's say Tuna, and you're all silver scaled with fins in all the same places. How do you tell everyone apart? I'm sure the fish know each other part, but my completely random point is this: I feel like I'm in a school of fish here in this San Diego YSA conference, but I don't know if it's my school because everyone I saw looked like someone I knew. Is that weird? Seriously though, it was surreal. Every person I saw, I felt like I had seen before. But that is impossible because I don't think 400-500 people would be stalking me. Just weird.