Infinity is a difficult concept for me to understand. Infinite. Never ending.
I was struck several months ago at something someone said in a talk at church. It wasn't even the main part of their talk; it was practically just said in passing, but it struck a chord with me. They were talking about how Heavenly Father is infinite and all that he possesses is infinite - then they said, "...He has infinite attention."
I suddenly thought of all the prayers I had prayed where I approached Heavenly Father as if I were bothering him; as if I were intruding; or as if I were taking him away from more important things going on in the world, etc. After all, why would he have time for my petty problems compared to the turmoil going on in various parts of the world?
But then to hear the he has infinite attention; I suddenly realized that I was projecting all of my own insecurities on him. I approached him as if I weren't worth his time, because I felt I had no worth. I approached him apologetically for bothering him, because I didn't believe I was worth bothering about. And so on and so on...
Yes, there is turmoil in the world. Yes, some people are going through trials and challenges that are "more important" than mine. How can he have time for me? Because he is infinite. And he has infinite attention. Which means he has infinite attention for me. That changed the nature of my prayers and how I approach him. It also changed how I see myself - at least, it showed me how I have been seeing myself and how I need to change that.
I still don't really understand infinity, but I understand that my father in heaven loves me and has time for me because I am important to him - infinitely important...
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Personal Best!
I've been trying to walk more over the last couple weeks since the weather here has been awesome! Last week I walked 19 (continuous) miles in one day! I was so sore, but it was worth it. I loved being outside - the sun was shining, but it wasn't too hot; it was just perfect! I was able to see some things I had always wanted to see and since I love exploring, that was just as much fun as anything. Not sure if my school/clinic schedule will let me keep doing that, but I'm going to keep walking as often as I can this summer!
Friday, May 25, 2012
Summer semester
So, I've started back up again with school and I really kinda hate being in school during the summer, however, I think it would be worse to take the summer off. I feel like it would really disrupt the flow and I also think I would lose a lot of momentum that the last couple of really intense semesters built up. And, it's only one summer and I never have to go back to school again if I don't want to, right? So I can tough it out. Actually, it a shorter semester, so that really does help a little bit too.
I am enjoying having long hair, although, I have to admit, I don't love it first thing in the morning when it's flying about my head like I've been electrocuted all night long, but that's what conditioner is for! Yesterday in class it was bugging me, so I put it in a ponytail. This is the first time I've actually worn my hair in a ponytail in public. It grows in layers, so I had to bobbypin a few loose strands, but that's the advantage to being in a program with so many girls, never too far from a bobbypin!
There's a chance I may have to cut it though. I am in the process of trying to set up some externships for next Spring, which will be our last semester, and I keep getting rejected. It was suggested to me that perhaps my hair is part of the reason. I hope not; I mean I keep it clean and styled, so it's not like I look like I'm homeless (no offense to the homeless!!). But we do live in a conservative state and it's possible that it could be a deterrent. I haven't really decided what to do, but I am leaning toward cutting it. That would make me sad, but it's not worth the possibility of not getting an externship either.
Oh wow! As I'm typing this I just realized why I would be sad to cut my hair. So I've been working on losing weight and it's not been going very well. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping to lose more weight so that when I do cut my hair it would feel more significant, like having a biggest loser makeover or something. Cutting my hair now, while I'm overweight, feels like I'm having to let that dream go. Maybe it was a dumb idea anyway. I probably would get more out of life just liking myself the way I am rather than always thinking I have to look a certain way to be happy. It's true, "looking a certain" way would bring a measure of happiness, but it wouldn't be lasting or secure. I do know people who changed their appearance, but never changed their mindset and the change of appearance didn't last, or at least, didn't last very long - because it didn't actually change how they thought or what they thought of themselves.
I know true happiness should come from the inside out, but it's hard to remember when so many really attractive people seem so happy... It makes me wonder, are they attractive because they are happy with themselves, or are they happy with themselves because they know they are attractive? I am such a black and white thinker - does it have to be one way or the other? Is it possible that maybe it's okay to have a little of both? What do you think, blog readers?
I am enjoying having long hair, although, I have to admit, I don't love it first thing in the morning when it's flying about my head like I've been electrocuted all night long, but that's what conditioner is for! Yesterday in class it was bugging me, so I put it in a ponytail. This is the first time I've actually worn my hair in a ponytail in public. It grows in layers, so I had to bobbypin a few loose strands, but that's the advantage to being in a program with so many girls, never too far from a bobbypin!
There's a chance I may have to cut it though. I am in the process of trying to set up some externships for next Spring, which will be our last semester, and I keep getting rejected. It was suggested to me that perhaps my hair is part of the reason. I hope not; I mean I keep it clean and styled, so it's not like I look like I'm homeless (no offense to the homeless!!). But we do live in a conservative state and it's possible that it could be a deterrent. I haven't really decided what to do, but I am leaning toward cutting it. That would make me sad, but it's not worth the possibility of not getting an externship either.
Oh wow! As I'm typing this I just realized why I would be sad to cut my hair. So I've been working on losing weight and it's not been going very well. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping to lose more weight so that when I do cut my hair it would feel more significant, like having a biggest loser makeover or something. Cutting my hair now, while I'm overweight, feels like I'm having to let that dream go. Maybe it was a dumb idea anyway. I probably would get more out of life just liking myself the way I am rather than always thinking I have to look a certain way to be happy. It's true, "looking a certain" way would bring a measure of happiness, but it wouldn't be lasting or secure. I do know people who changed their appearance, but never changed their mindset and the change of appearance didn't last, or at least, didn't last very long - because it didn't actually change how they thought or what they thought of themselves.
I know true happiness should come from the inside out, but it's hard to remember when so many really attractive people seem so happy... It makes me wonder, are they attractive because they are happy with themselves, or are they happy with themselves because they know they are attractive? I am such a black and white thinker - does it have to be one way or the other? Is it possible that maybe it's okay to have a little of both? What do you think, blog readers?
Monday, April 23, 2012
Quick update
There are two weeks of the semester left. This is the last week of class and next week are finals. We finished up clients last week and are doing final paperwork this week. We are in the home stretch and I feel anxious to be done with this semester!! Summer should be interesting. I'm not excited to be in school during the summer, but I am anxious to get through the program. I have Summer and Fall with classes and clients and then my final semester is Externships and one class. So, I have just one year left and I expect it's going to go pretty quickly now.
I have to apply now for externships, which I've done, but I have no idea how that's going to work out. Basically, we sign up for school credit, which means we have to pay tuition, and then get we the privilege of working for someone for 10 weeks with no time off or breaks. Sounds like fun right? The tradeoff is that we actually get work experience and all of the 2nd years I've talked to have enjoyed the experience. They all say it's worth it. I am looking forward to getting to that point!
Thanks for all the support everyone. I know I haven't been around much and I haven't been involved in the get-togethers and parties and such. It's been hard to find time to stay connected with people, but I appreciate all the encouragement! It keeps me going and I really need it right now!!
Two weeks to grad school "bump-day!"
I have to apply now for externships, which I've done, but I have no idea how that's going to work out. Basically, we sign up for school credit, which means we have to pay tuition, and then get we the privilege of working for someone for 10 weeks with no time off or breaks. Sounds like fun right? The tradeoff is that we actually get work experience and all of the 2nd years I've talked to have enjoyed the experience. They all say it's worth it. I am looking forward to getting to that point!
Thanks for all the support everyone. I know I haven't been around much and I haven't been involved in the get-togethers and parties and such. It's been hard to find time to stay connected with people, but I appreciate all the encouragement! It keeps me going and I really need it right now!!
Two weeks to grad school "bump-day!"
Monday, April 16, 2012
Panic Attack
Never had one... until now! So, I haven't been sleeping well and consequently not feeling well and consequently not making the best eating choices and consequently not feeling well and consequently not sleeping well... vicious cycle, yada, yada, yada.
The other morning (2am? 3am?, I forget...), I'm laying in bed and I stretch and yawn... and then my heart starts defibrillating... okay, maybe that's not the right word, but seriously, my heart was racing and beating totally irregularly and I thought "if I move or do anything to exert myself in any degree I'm going to die!"
BAM!
Panic Attack!
It may have only lasted 30-60 seconds, but it felt longer. And it was terrifying. I knew immediately why - pressure from school. I have been so overwhelmed this semester that I think I have been suppressing how much it's actually affecting me. The previous years students all say that this is probably the worst semester and it gets better, but dang! I don't want to live like this ever!!
There's another component though that I haven't mentioned. My self-esteem took a hit recently and I think that was enough to put me over the edge. Not that the "hit" was anything new or substantial in and of itself, but I think what it did is knock the block off all the work I've done trying to be more positive and brought up a whole host of old beliefs that I thought I had dealt with. Just when I thought I was making such good progress - Surprise! There they are, lurking under the surface, ready to pull me back down into the sledge of "not good enough;" the slime of "worthless;" the tar of "fat and ugly."
If adding "overwhelming workload" to "destined to fail" isn't a perfect recipe for a heart attack - I don't know what is. So, bad timing, I guess, is what this all amounts to.
Fortunately, I have good friends. Even some who will call me out on my s*** (pardon my asterisks!)!! But it's true. I had a good reminder that these old thought patterns are a choice I make. If I choose to believe them, then yes, they are true - but only because I CHOOSE to believe them. And where is it written that I have to believe them? If it's a choice to believe negative things, isn't just as a much a choice to believe positive things? It's strange, but I think old beliefs are hard to overcome because 1) it's what we know (and sometimes all we know) and 2) what we've lived with all our lives becomes comfortable - like becoming desensitized to something painful... we live with it for so long that we come to think of it as normal. But it's not normal. And it's not healthy.
My panic attack came on because I chose to believe that I wasn't good enough and that I couldn't handle the workload, or that I wasn't worth it, not because of the workload itself. How grateful I am for this realization!! The fact that I see these connections means I am separated enough from it that I know I can be different and that I can continue to remove those old negative beliefs. I know I am fighting a brain that's been hardwired (which is why I think those old beliefs are still "in there"), but I also know that I can consciously choose to REWIRE my brain. I know it will take consistent and conscientious effort, but it can be done!!
(Which makes me wonder, does anyone know how long it takes to rewire a brain?)
The other morning (2am? 3am?, I forget...), I'm laying in bed and I stretch and yawn... and then my heart starts defibrillating... okay, maybe that's not the right word, but seriously, my heart was racing and beating totally irregularly and I thought "if I move or do anything to exert myself in any degree I'm going to die!"
BAM!
Panic Attack!
It may have only lasted 30-60 seconds, but it felt longer. And it was terrifying. I knew immediately why - pressure from school. I have been so overwhelmed this semester that I think I have been suppressing how much it's actually affecting me. The previous years students all say that this is probably the worst semester and it gets better, but dang! I don't want to live like this ever!!
There's another component though that I haven't mentioned. My self-esteem took a hit recently and I think that was enough to put me over the edge. Not that the "hit" was anything new or substantial in and of itself, but I think what it did is knock the block off all the work I've done trying to be more positive and brought up a whole host of old beliefs that I thought I had dealt with. Just when I thought I was making such good progress - Surprise! There they are, lurking under the surface, ready to pull me back down into the sledge of "not good enough;" the slime of "worthless;" the tar of "fat and ugly."
If adding "overwhelming workload" to "destined to fail" isn't a perfect recipe for a heart attack - I don't know what is. So, bad timing, I guess, is what this all amounts to.
Fortunately, I have good friends. Even some who will call me out on my s*** (pardon my asterisks!)!! But it's true. I had a good reminder that these old thought patterns are a choice I make. If I choose to believe them, then yes, they are true - but only because I CHOOSE to believe them. And where is it written that I have to believe them? If it's a choice to believe negative things, isn't just as a much a choice to believe positive things? It's strange, but I think old beliefs are hard to overcome because 1) it's what we know (and sometimes all we know) and 2) what we've lived with all our lives becomes comfortable - like becoming desensitized to something painful... we live with it for so long that we come to think of it as normal. But it's not normal. And it's not healthy.
My panic attack came on because I chose to believe that I wasn't good enough and that I couldn't handle the workload, or that I wasn't worth it, not because of the workload itself. How grateful I am for this realization!! The fact that I see these connections means I am separated enough from it that I know I can be different and that I can continue to remove those old negative beliefs. I know I am fighting a brain that's been hardwired (which is why I think those old beliefs are still "in there"), but I also know that I can consciously choose to REWIRE my brain. I know it will take consistent and conscientious effort, but it can be done!!
(Which makes me wonder, does anyone know how long it takes to rewire a brain?)
Friday, April 6, 2012
Jazz fan
So, I decided to go to a Jazz game with some friends of mine from "the program." It was the Jazz versus the Pheonix Suns and it was off the heezy!! I don't know how else to say it - what a great game! Literally, the final score was decided by milliseconds, which could have put the game in overtime, but it wasn't meant to be and the Jazz lost 105 to 107 - heartbreaking, but the Sun's really needed it! My friend is a Suns fan (which is putting it mildly) and he told me I had to decide by half-time what my team was going to be. It was tough, Steve Nash was awesome and the Suns were good, but I thought the Jazz were playing better as a team, however, they were also "fouling" all over the place, which was giving the Sun's some points...
I was torn.
But then something happened to change all that...
...so now it's official...
I was torn.
But then something happened to change all that...
...so now it's official...
I'm a Jazz fan!!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Stuff
I didn't even realize Easter is this weekend. I am literally taking things one day at a time. I can't remember the last time I felt this overwhlemed. I know there's only a few weeks left and I know I can get through it, but it's seriously one of the hardest semester's I've had.
One of the complicating factors is feeling like I haven't done anything to help my clients this semester. I'm sure I probably have and yes, seeing results from some therapy takes awhile, but I still feel a little bit useless. I am trying to remind myself that I am just a student and should not hold myself to a higher standard - but I do. I want to help these people and I guess I take it a little too personally. I have to remember that I am only one part of the process - they are the other and I can only do so much. It was one of the reasons I wanted to be an SLP in the first place, I just didn't realize how hard it would be for me NOT to hold myself completely responsible for their progress.
With Summer I'll be halfway through the program - crazy. I have no idea what's going to happen and where I'm going to end up. I do know that I'll be happy, but I would also love to have some more certainty about HOW things are going to work out. Oh well. Add it to the list of things I need to learn from Grad School...
p.s. GenCon 182 was great! I only fell asleep a couple of times - which for me is really, really good!! There were definitely some messages I needed to hear - I loved Pres. Uchtdorf's and Elder Nelson's talks.
One of the complicating factors is feeling like I haven't done anything to help my clients this semester. I'm sure I probably have and yes, seeing results from some therapy takes awhile, but I still feel a little bit useless. I am trying to remind myself that I am just a student and should not hold myself to a higher standard - but I do. I want to help these people and I guess I take it a little too personally. I have to remember that I am only one part of the process - they are the other and I can only do so much. It was one of the reasons I wanted to be an SLP in the first place, I just didn't realize how hard it would be for me NOT to hold myself completely responsible for their progress.
With Summer I'll be halfway through the program - crazy. I have no idea what's going to happen and where I'm going to end up. I do know that I'll be happy, but I would also love to have some more certainty about HOW things are going to work out. Oh well. Add it to the list of things I need to learn from Grad School...
p.s. GenCon 182 was great! I only fell asleep a couple of times - which for me is really, really good!! There were definitely some messages I needed to hear - I loved Pres. Uchtdorf's and Elder Nelson's talks.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Talk
Sorry for the long post, but I just decided to put my talk "out there," rather than try to summarize it.
"I know that you all see me each week, but I don’t get much of a chance to really interact with you so I thought I would take a few minutes and just tell you a little bit about myself.
My name is Micah Foster. I am currently living in Marilyn Foster’s home while she is serving a mission in Frankfurt, Germany. Marilyn is my step-mom and I am Bob Foster’s son, for those of you who may have known him.
I was born in Virginia, but we moved to Idaho when I was about 2 to be closer to family - which may have something to do with why we then kept on moving every couple of years; at least until we finally settled in Highland, Utah when I was about 8 and that’s where I consider myself from. I am the youngest of three children, I have two sisters and my mom currently lives in Lehi, down by Thanksgiving Point. I used to hate being the “baby” of the family, but I am old enough now to realize that whatever drawbacks it came with, I was really good at it and it also made me terribly interesting so I’ve made my peace with it.
I am currently a full-time graduate student at the University of Utah working on a Master’s degree in Speech Language Pathology. It’s a two year program, which they tell me goes really fast, but right now it doesn’t feel that way. In fact, I spend most weeks wondering if I’m going to make it through at all, as it’s a very difficult program, but I also love what I’m learning and I know it’s where I need to be right now. In fact, going back to school was a bit of a risk for me. I spent the last 11 years working in Human Resources – I’ve been at both the University of Utah and Intermountain Health Care – and wasn’t sure I was capable of quitting a full-time job (and a full-time paycheck) and still survive. Well, for reasons I don’t have time to talk about today, I did it anyway and found that what I thought was a terrifying sacrifice in reality turned out to be a chance to receive many, many blessings and even a few miracles.
I have had 34 years to practice being single; and you know what they say, “practice makes perfect” and they’re right. So it’s nice to know that I’m perfect at something. I am not against being set-up (as sister Stringham can attest), but I’ll be honest, grad school is about a 70-80 hour work week and I am far too exhausted each week to think about dating; I’m not against it, I’m just not as young as I used to be either. (p.s. Sister Stringham, you’re going to make an excellent Single’s Ward Bishop’s Wife someday, so keep it up!)
The last thing I should tell you has to do with my hair. So, I’ve never had long hair before and what started out as kind of a joke has turned into a “thing,” so I promised my classmates that I would not cut my hair until I graduate… or get married (‘cause why not throw that out to the universe?). So you’re looking at about 8 months of growth with about another 16 months to go. The longer it gets the more I realize it’s going to turn into a “bullet” – which is a balding mullet, but since I’m also not dating right now, I’m not too worried about it. Also, just to forewarn you, if I happen to show up to church one day with my hair in cornrows, don’t worry about it, it’s temporary, I haven’t joined a gang or anything, it’s just my way of keeping it real.
That’s my brief introduction and still probably more than you wanted to know. On to the topic at hand.
So, I’ll be honest, I love/hate Brother Ardern’s 2011 October General Conference talk on our use of time. On the one hand, I hate it because it makes me feel guilty for all the time I’ve wasted in the past and also because my life feels so unbalanced now. With school being as intense as it is, I really don’t feel that I have time to do all the things I’m supposed to do and that makes me feel bad. I do acknowledge, however, that, ultimately, going through this difficult time in school will actually enable me to have a better circumstance where I can have more balance and more time to serve, but right now it feels very egocentric.
On the other hand, I do love this talk because it gives me perspective. It reminds me of what my priorities are. So, I kind of ended up in HR merely by chance. I was starting school at the University of Utah and needed a part-time job. I started out part-time and eventually took on more and more responsibility. I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Interpersonal Communication and that actually seemed a good fit for HR, so I just stayed with it. Unbeknownst to me, however, my life was about to change.
It’s December 23, 2005. My dad calls and says my sister and I should come over to the house (my other sister was living in Texas at the time). We knew he had been having some very minor health concerns and had a few recent doctor’s visits, so his invitation was a little disconcerting. He sat us down and proceeded to tell us what his doctor told him. He had Kidney Cancer and he was only expected to live about another 6 months. I was in shock. I don’t remember a lot of things about that day, but one of the things that stands out the most, was actually what I experienced that night after I had gone back to my apartment. I felt as if I were being torn in two or that a piece of me was dying with him. Arguably, one of the worst nights of my life.
Well, the sixth month prognosis came and went and I felt that everyday my dad lived past that six months was a blessing. Fast forward about a year. I went to visit him in the hospital. I cherished the moments when he and I could be alone together to talk. You should know that while my dad and I always loved each other and got along, we still were never as close as I had wanted us to be. The time I lived with him while I was school and during his illness allowed us to get to know each other better and definitely improved our relationship for which I am extremely grateful. During this particular visit, where it was just the two of us, I could tell he was solemn and contemplative. I pulled my chair up next to his bed and held his hand. We started talking about life and time and preparing to move on to the next world. I asked him how he felt about dying and I was not prepared for what he shared with me.
He said that death held no fear for him, but he was worried about something. He wondered whether or not he was prepared to meet the Savior. That really took me by surprise. Those of you who knew my dad, know what a great man he was. He was kind and thoughtful; he loved the families he home taught; he loved serving in the church and was good at serving others. How could such a good man be afraid to meet the Savior? I vaguely recall giving some typical reinforcement about how I felt that he was more prepared than he realized, but I mean honestly, what else are you going to say?
I think what surprised me about that conversation wasn’t so much what he said, as it was that I saw him in a way that I had never seen him before – as a child of God. I always saw him as just my dad - someone who I could rely on and who was just always there; someone I had depended on my whole life. But for the first time, I saw that not only was he my dad, but he was someone else’s son. It made me realize how personal our relationship with our Father in Heaven is and how important it is to each individual. As strange as it may sound, that moment helped me begin the process of letting him go.
It wasn’t long after that that he celebrated his 60th birthday on March 2, 2007, which was something he was pretty proud about. Nine days later, he passed away. It was March 11, 2007, exactly 5 years ago today.
“And we see that death comes upon mankind, yea, the death which has been spoken of by Amulek, which is the temporal death; nevertheless, there was a space granted unto man in which he might repent; therefore this life became a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God;”
Alma 12:24
“Yea, I would that ye would come forth and harden not your hearts any longer; for behold, now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore if ye will repent and harden not your hearts, immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you. For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God;”
Alma 34:31-32
I don’t know what your lives are like. I don’t know what you struggle with. Statistically I suppose some of us here struggle with depression, perhaps self-esteem issues; some of us here struggle with finances or maybe with our temper. Some of us struggle with addictions to pornography, alcohol, tobacco, gambling, food even. I don’t know what it is in your life that may be preventing you from preparing yourself to meet the Savior one day. But I do know this: one day, you will meet the Savior. And the way you live now, right now, today, will determine whether you see him as THE Savior or YOUR Savior.
My invitation is for all of us to follow Brother Ardern’s advice: devote your time to the things that matter most. And what matters most is your relationship to your Father in Heaven and to YOUR Savior. Repent. Qualify for mercy. There is no better time than now.
I testify to you that the atonement is real. It’s power is real. Change is possible. Forgiveness is possible. Forget about the past – start from wherever you are right now and do your best. Be patient and forgiving of yourself. Allow the Savior to forgive you. If your sins are of a nature that you need to confess to the Bishop, confess them, don’t wait, don’t put it off. I know God lives. I know we are each precious to him. I know he is there and I know he will help you the way he helped my dad and the way he is helping me. But we have to act – we have to do our part because he cannot force us back to him. But once we choose to follow we begin our preparation. I pray that we will spend our time preparing for our return and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."
"I know that you all see me each week, but I don’t get much of a chance to really interact with you so I thought I would take a few minutes and just tell you a little bit about myself.
My name is Micah Foster. I am currently living in Marilyn Foster’s home while she is serving a mission in Frankfurt, Germany. Marilyn is my step-mom and I am Bob Foster’s son, for those of you who may have known him.
I was born in Virginia, but we moved to Idaho when I was about 2 to be closer to family - which may have something to do with why we then kept on moving every couple of years; at least until we finally settled in Highland, Utah when I was about 8 and that’s where I consider myself from. I am the youngest of three children, I have two sisters and my mom currently lives in Lehi, down by Thanksgiving Point. I used to hate being the “baby” of the family, but I am old enough now to realize that whatever drawbacks it came with, I was really good at it and it also made me terribly interesting so I’ve made my peace with it.
I am currently a full-time graduate student at the University of Utah working on a Master’s degree in Speech Language Pathology. It’s a two year program, which they tell me goes really fast, but right now it doesn’t feel that way. In fact, I spend most weeks wondering if I’m going to make it through at all, as it’s a very difficult program, but I also love what I’m learning and I know it’s where I need to be right now. In fact, going back to school was a bit of a risk for me. I spent the last 11 years working in Human Resources – I’ve been at both the University of Utah and Intermountain Health Care – and wasn’t sure I was capable of quitting a full-time job (and a full-time paycheck) and still survive. Well, for reasons I don’t have time to talk about today, I did it anyway and found that what I thought was a terrifying sacrifice in reality turned out to be a chance to receive many, many blessings and even a few miracles.
I have had 34 years to practice being single; and you know what they say, “practice makes perfect” and they’re right. So it’s nice to know that I’m perfect at something. I am not against being set-up (as sister Stringham can attest), but I’ll be honest, grad school is about a 70-80 hour work week and I am far too exhausted each week to think about dating; I’m not against it, I’m just not as young as I used to be either. (p.s. Sister Stringham, you’re going to make an excellent Single’s Ward Bishop’s Wife someday, so keep it up!)
The last thing I should tell you has to do with my hair. So, I’ve never had long hair before and what started out as kind of a joke has turned into a “thing,” so I promised my classmates that I would not cut my hair until I graduate… or get married (‘cause why not throw that out to the universe?). So you’re looking at about 8 months of growth with about another 16 months to go. The longer it gets the more I realize it’s going to turn into a “bullet” – which is a balding mullet, but since I’m also not dating right now, I’m not too worried about it. Also, just to forewarn you, if I happen to show up to church one day with my hair in cornrows, don’t worry about it, it’s temporary, I haven’t joined a gang or anything, it’s just my way of keeping it real.
That’s my brief introduction and still probably more than you wanted to know. On to the topic at hand.
So, I’ll be honest, I love/hate Brother Ardern’s 2011 October General Conference talk on our use of time. On the one hand, I hate it because it makes me feel guilty for all the time I’ve wasted in the past and also because my life feels so unbalanced now. With school being as intense as it is, I really don’t feel that I have time to do all the things I’m supposed to do and that makes me feel bad. I do acknowledge, however, that, ultimately, going through this difficult time in school will actually enable me to have a better circumstance where I can have more balance and more time to serve, but right now it feels very egocentric.
On the other hand, I do love this talk because it gives me perspective. It reminds me of what my priorities are. So, I kind of ended up in HR merely by chance. I was starting school at the University of Utah and needed a part-time job. I started out part-time and eventually took on more and more responsibility. I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Interpersonal Communication and that actually seemed a good fit for HR, so I just stayed with it. Unbeknownst to me, however, my life was about to change.
It’s December 23, 2005. My dad calls and says my sister and I should come over to the house (my other sister was living in Texas at the time). We knew he had been having some very minor health concerns and had a few recent doctor’s visits, so his invitation was a little disconcerting. He sat us down and proceeded to tell us what his doctor told him. He had Kidney Cancer and he was only expected to live about another 6 months. I was in shock. I don’t remember a lot of things about that day, but one of the things that stands out the most, was actually what I experienced that night after I had gone back to my apartment. I felt as if I were being torn in two or that a piece of me was dying with him. Arguably, one of the worst nights of my life.
Well, the sixth month prognosis came and went and I felt that everyday my dad lived past that six months was a blessing. Fast forward about a year. I went to visit him in the hospital. I cherished the moments when he and I could be alone together to talk. You should know that while my dad and I always loved each other and got along, we still were never as close as I had wanted us to be. The time I lived with him while I was school and during his illness allowed us to get to know each other better and definitely improved our relationship for which I am extremely grateful. During this particular visit, where it was just the two of us, I could tell he was solemn and contemplative. I pulled my chair up next to his bed and held his hand. We started talking about life and time and preparing to move on to the next world. I asked him how he felt about dying and I was not prepared for what he shared with me.
He said that death held no fear for him, but he was worried about something. He wondered whether or not he was prepared to meet the Savior. That really took me by surprise. Those of you who knew my dad, know what a great man he was. He was kind and thoughtful; he loved the families he home taught; he loved serving in the church and was good at serving others. How could such a good man be afraid to meet the Savior? I vaguely recall giving some typical reinforcement about how I felt that he was more prepared than he realized, but I mean honestly, what else are you going to say?
I think what surprised me about that conversation wasn’t so much what he said, as it was that I saw him in a way that I had never seen him before – as a child of God. I always saw him as just my dad - someone who I could rely on and who was just always there; someone I had depended on my whole life. But for the first time, I saw that not only was he my dad, but he was someone else’s son. It made me realize how personal our relationship with our Father in Heaven is and how important it is to each individual. As strange as it may sound, that moment helped me begin the process of letting him go.
It wasn’t long after that that he celebrated his 60th birthday on March 2, 2007, which was something he was pretty proud about. Nine days later, he passed away. It was March 11, 2007, exactly 5 years ago today.
“And we see that death comes upon mankind, yea, the death which has been spoken of by Amulek, which is the temporal death; nevertheless, there was a space granted unto man in which he might repent; therefore this life became a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God;”
Alma 12:24
“Yea, I would that ye would come forth and harden not your hearts any longer; for behold, now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore if ye will repent and harden not your hearts, immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you. For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God;”
Alma 34:31-32
I don’t know what your lives are like. I don’t know what you struggle with. Statistically I suppose some of us here struggle with depression, perhaps self-esteem issues; some of us here struggle with finances or maybe with our temper. Some of us struggle with addictions to pornography, alcohol, tobacco, gambling, food even. I don’t know what it is in your life that may be preventing you from preparing yourself to meet the Savior one day. But I do know this: one day, you will meet the Savior. And the way you live now, right now, today, will determine whether you see him as THE Savior or YOUR Savior.
My invitation is for all of us to follow Brother Ardern’s advice: devote your time to the things that matter most. And what matters most is your relationship to your Father in Heaven and to YOUR Savior. Repent. Qualify for mercy. There is no better time than now.
I testify to you that the atonement is real. It’s power is real. Change is possible. Forgiveness is possible. Forget about the past – start from wherever you are right now and do your best. Be patient and forgiving of yourself. Allow the Savior to forgive you. If your sins are of a nature that you need to confess to the Bishop, confess them, don’t wait, don’t put it off. I know God lives. I know we are each precious to him. I know he is there and I know he will help you the way he helped my dad and the way he is helping me. But we have to act – we have to do our part because he cannot force us back to him. But once we choose to follow we begin our preparation. I pray that we will spend our time preparing for our return and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Funny how life works...
I was sitting in Sacrament meeting last week feeling good about my decision NOT to bear (bare?) my testimony when I had the crazy thought that it was okay because I would be speaking soon anyway. "Well that's just crazy," I thinks to myself, "I've been in the ward for 6 months and they always ask new people to speak when they're new." I thought my Bishop was giving me a reprieve because he knows how busy I am in school.
As it turned out, a couple hours after church, I get a phone call from the 1st counselor asking me to speak in church next week. I realized my stray thought earlier that day was really a prompting (warning?) so it was easy to say yes. Then he gave me the topic "A Time to Prepare," a conference talk by a member of the Seventy, Ian Ardern. The talk is about the wise use of time. (I think this is the spiritual equivalent of being hit in the face?) Well, it's ironic for a few of reasons:
1) I am in grad school and my concept of time is something between "death march" and "dog years." (If that sounds crazy, that's exactly my point!)
2) I do NOT know how I get anything done. Seriously, I don't know how everything keeps coming together for me to finish assignments and prep for clients and the like. Which makes me think I am either so good at time management that I have traveled above the plane where time has any meaning... or a whole lotta divine intervention! (Yeah, I know... it's the second one...)
3) One of the most profound conversations I had with my dad was about being prepared (for death).
4) And now they want me to speak about that on the very day that is the anniversary of his death!?!
Funny how life works. And by funny, I mean the exact opposite...
On the other hand, to be totally honest, I feel like this will actually be a blessing for me. I've had a rough-ish week and a big part of it is not having time to meditate, ponder/pray, or do anything to really help deal with the feeling of loss that I feel. I think this will help me put things back into perspective. I'll let you know how it goes...
As it turned out, a couple hours after church, I get a phone call from the 1st counselor asking me to speak in church next week. I realized my stray thought earlier that day was really a prompting (warning?) so it was easy to say yes. Then he gave me the topic "A Time to Prepare," a conference talk by a member of the Seventy, Ian Ardern. The talk is about the wise use of time. (I think this is the spiritual equivalent of being hit in the face?) Well, it's ironic for a few of reasons:
1) I am in grad school and my concept of time is something between "death march" and "dog years." (If that sounds crazy, that's exactly my point!)
2) I do NOT know how I get anything done. Seriously, I don't know how everything keeps coming together for me to finish assignments and prep for clients and the like. Which makes me think I am either so good at time management that I have traveled above the plane where time has any meaning... or a whole lotta divine intervention! (Yeah, I know... it's the second one...)
3) One of the most profound conversations I had with my dad was about being prepared (for death).
4) And now they want me to speak about that on the very day that is the anniversary of his death!?!
Funny how life works. And by funny, I mean the exact opposite...
On the other hand, to be totally honest, I feel like this will actually be a blessing for me. I've had a rough-ish week and a big part of it is not having time to meditate, ponder/pray, or do anything to really help deal with the feeling of loss that I feel. I think this will help me put things back into perspective. I'll let you know how it goes...
Friday, March 2, 2012
Life on the the "lil pun"
So, no one is going to get this reference, but there is an episode of the Mighty B! where the main character, Bessie Higgenbottom, is too short to ride a super-duper death defying roller coaster called, "the Punisher." Instead she gets relegated to the "little kids" version called the "Lil' Pun" which goes over one small hump and then bumps into a wall. Needless to say, it's a bit disappointing.
I guess that's a bit how I feel right now, like I thought I was ready for the big leagues, but now that I'm here I realize that maybe I'm more suited for something a little less demanding - which is disappointing. I guess what I'm really saying is that I feel pretty incompetent right now.
I know what it is that's making me feel that way though, and it's not school. Well... I should say, it's not JUST school, because school is definitely making me feel incompetent!
I also feel a little sad this time of year because of the "anniversaries." Today is my dad's birthday. My sister and I went to my dad's grave to put some flowers up and take some pictures for my step-mom (who is in Germany at the moment).
Next week, the 11th is the Anniversary of his passing. He passed away about a week after his 60th birthday - which was a landmark he was proud of achieving. This week is always hard for me. I am sad, but also happy that he is at peace. I know his spirit continues to live, but I still want him here. I know I will see him again someday, but I would love to talk to him now. Another roller-coaster. It's hard enough, but then adding the stress of graduate school is overwhleming.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like I don't want to ride the Punisher nor the Lil' Pun - I am ready to leave the amusement park altogether! (I didn't mean that to sound like a euphemism for suicide even though it does... - sorry!)
I know everything will be okay, I have a great family and friends; I just wish I were around more for them, which makes me feel guilty on top of everything else. I don't know whether to cry or to laugh - maybe both?! That is the crazy of grad school and as much as I'll appreciate my education, I will be glad when it's done!
In any event...
Happy Birthday Dad, I miss you, but I'm glad for the time we were given! I'll probably blog about you next week too... hope that's okay...
I guess that's a bit how I feel right now, like I thought I was ready for the big leagues, but now that I'm here I realize that maybe I'm more suited for something a little less demanding - which is disappointing. I guess what I'm really saying is that I feel pretty incompetent right now.
I know what it is that's making me feel that way though, and it's not school. Well... I should say, it's not JUST school, because school is definitely making me feel incompetent!
I also feel a little sad this time of year because of the "anniversaries." Today is my dad's birthday. My sister and I went to my dad's grave to put some flowers up and take some pictures for my step-mom (who is in Germany at the moment).
Next week, the 11th is the Anniversary of his passing. He passed away about a week after his 60th birthday - which was a landmark he was proud of achieving. This week is always hard for me. I am sad, but also happy that he is at peace. I know his spirit continues to live, but I still want him here. I know I will see him again someday, but I would love to talk to him now. Another roller-coaster. It's hard enough, but then adding the stress of graduate school is overwhleming.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like I don't want to ride the Punisher nor the Lil' Pun - I am ready to leave the amusement park altogether! (I didn't mean that to sound like a euphemism for suicide even though it does... - sorry!)
I know everything will be okay, I have a great family and friends; I just wish I were around more for them, which makes me feel guilty on top of everything else. I don't know whether to cry or to laugh - maybe both?! That is the crazy of grad school and as much as I'll appreciate my education, I will be glad when it's done!
In any event...
Happy Birthday Dad, I miss you, but I'm glad for the time we were given! I'll probably blog about you next week too... hope that's okay...
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