The way I see myself

I was right - time IS flying by! It doesn't help that I no longer have an internet connection at home and can't blog as often as I would like to!

The last few weeks (and month, really) have been quite a roller coaster for me. Lots of ups and downs. I know life is supposed to be like that, but it's less fun when the highs and lows come closer together.

I think I've learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks. I feel like the image of who I am in my mind is becoming clearer. It kind of feels like my whole life I only ever saw representations of me, as if I had only seen myself as drawn by someone else. Have you ever tried to draw a self portrait? It's harder than you think! I have a self-portrait that I can tell it's me, but then again it's not an accurate reflection of what I actually look like. Oh, here it is...

(I went for a "neutral" pose here, and I think it's significant and maybe a little "freudian" that it came out looking so sad...)

I have thought a lot about what it means to be "me" over the last few weeks. The thing is, I don't know that I've ever been clear about who I am because of the way I've treated myself and, to a certain extent, the way I've let others treat me.

Sure, I could go on an on about how there were emotional messages I never got as a child, and that I never really believed I was important or of value to anyone, consequently, I treated myself as unimportant and without value and found that the world only reflected back to me what I already felt was true about myself. (Turns out I was wrong; that's a hard place to go to FYI!)

The irony is, the more I try to "find" myself, the more I feel the Spirit telling me that my journey isn't about self-discovery, nearly as much as self-creation. In other words, I shouldn't be asking, "who am I," but asking, "who do I want to become?" It isn't that I've somehow fallen out of alignment with myself, even though I do sometimes feel like I'm walking through life as a blurry image at times, but it's that I never realized that I get to decide who I am. If I don't like something about myself, I get to change it. It's pretty simple, but very powerful for someone like me who has felt so helpless all my life. I guess I'm done playing the victim and ready to take responsibility for myself and trying to learn how to accept the good and the bad.

I know we are all children of God and I know that we all have unique personalities and traits that we brought with us because they are a part of our spirits and a part of who we are, but I don't think Heavenly Father sent us to earth simply to uncover the things that make us who we are. I think He sent us here to build ourselves into something better.

Unlike the Hindu god Brahma, who sits back and simply observes that which he created, I think Heavenly Father never stops being a God of Creation and not only in the material sense. Sure, worlds are always being created and formed, but I think He is helping us as individuals to be created into something new (see 2 Corinthians 5:17), a new creature (John 3:1-8).

It's almost funny to me how, after making this revelation, I immediately feel the influence of the adversary, as subtle as my own thoughts, reminding me of who I was and fearing that I will never be able to change. It's true, I do look at my past and see a history of failures which makes me wonder if I can do anything other than fail or make wrong choices. But then another voice says that for every time I failed I got back up. That may not sound like much, but for someone who has been into "suicidal" territory, it's pretty major. Yes, life has beaten me down. Yes, life has given me hardships and an overwhelming load to bear. But "life" has also given me a Savior. He makes new life possible. He makes it possible for me to create myself into something new.

This is all very new territory for me. I'm entering a phase in my life that I've never been to. The scenery is unfamiliar and I don't know how I'm going to find my way. I may stumble and will often want to go back to the "comfort and security" of who I was, even if it means getting back into negative self-talk and depression. But  I have to believe that this road is the right one. I think I'm going to like what I find in this new place and I'm sure the views will be worth the climb.

Incidentally, I want to send a big THANK YOU to everyone who has ever supported me to any degree. It is so important to value and praise each other, but it's just as important to accept it. I know that I may have offended some, who, when trying to offer a compliment, I disputed it and whether I vocalized it or not, I found various reasons as to why they were wrong. As much as I thought I needed that external validation, what I really needed was internal validation.

I never learned how to tell myself that I am ok. I craved attention and wanted the world to see that I am important, but then when I did get any measure of praise or compliment, I discounted it because it didn't match the picture of who I thought I was. I didn't feel deserving of it and so, I didn't accept it. How may people out there think they need the world to validate them, but when they are praised it doesn't mean anything because really what they need is to accept themselves. That to me is the definition of despair, thinking you need something from the world and not realizing that you have the power to get it from within. I suppose in some weird "coping mechanism" way I felt that if I could convince the world that I was worth something, then that would in turn convince me that I was worth something.

I can tell you right now that self-esteem doesn't work that way! I have to decide that I'm worth something and be okay with who I am. That is a struggle for me - it doesn't come naturally. I've noticed a pattern in my life: I feel disatisfied with something > I struggle to understand it > I learn a lesson > I have to practice the lesson. The hardest part for me is practicing the lessons!

So thank you to everyone who believed in me. Thank you for trying to tell me that you saw more to me than I saw in myself. I hope it's possible to click "publish post" and have this message transcend time and space to reach all those who have been an influence for good for me. I can only hope that one day, I might be able to return the favor.

Update

October is here and I know the rest of the year is now going to fly by! I'm looking forward to the holidays though. Mostly, I just want to survive my classes. They are hard, but I also love what I'm learning and I love what I'm doing. I know I'm in the right place for me right now and that gives me peace.

I loved GenCon 180* by the way; I don't know if I'll have time to post about some of what I learned, but the whole conference was awesome! I LOVE Saturday morning sessions! I don't know what it is, but I think some of the best talks come out of that session.

One thing I will say, I have a renewed testimony of prayers being answered. I had a couple (and by a couple I mean many) questions I was hoping to have answered and while I can't say that each question was answered as directly as I would like, I know that the answers are there. I decided that I would put a star next to the names of the speakers in my notes that I felt were speaking to my specific questions and I ended up starring over half the talks.

Heavenly Father let me know that the answers are there and, in a weird way, I'm glad the answers aren't as deliniated as I'd hoped; I guess what I'm saying is, I'm grateful that He's making me work for finding those answers. I know He doesn't want to make things hard, but He wants me to appreciate the lessons I have to learn and I always appreciate the things I have to work for. For the moment it was confirmation enough that the answers are there and now I just need to seek them out.

Except, when do I have time to search, ponder, and pray?!?! Ugh! I am buried in school work and I have a major test tomorrow that I know I'm not ready for. I guess I have to remember to take things one day at a time and deal with what I CAN do, rather than worry about what I can't control. That's a hard lesson for me to learn.

One thing that I've come to know is important to finding balance, is boundaries. Have you ever had a relationship that, while not necessarily outright destructive, was maybe just subtly corrosive? I have. It's not easy putting up the boundary that says, "I can't let you hurt me anymore," when the other person is not cognizant of what they're doing. But I had to do that recently and it's strange, because it doesn't necessarily make me happy, BUT, I have to admit that when I did I felt an amazing sense of freedom and a weight being lifted. I felt freer, and that to me is an indication that I did the right thing. I hope things change in the future, but for the moment, I know it was the right thing to do. I just hope the other person realizes that I still love them, but I can't "love" people at the cost of my own well being.

*GenCon 180 is the 180th session of General Conference!

Seasons

Where does the time go? Seriously, Fall is just around the corner and then 2010 will be gone. 2010!!! I still remember people freaking out over Y2K like it was yesterday! I have to say, that I wish I lived somewhere that had Spring for 6 months, then Fall for 6 months. I love both those season's the most and I am really looking forward to Fall. True, I'll miss most of it being in school, but I'll enjoy walking around campus when the leaves start changing colors (some have already up in the mountains!).

Why am I thinking about Fall? Because I am at the Library and I am supposed to be studying for a huge test tomorrow. I am overwhelmed at what I don't know, so I am avoiding it. Not a good strategy... okay, back to the books!!

p.s. wish me luck tomorrow!

I little note about friends

I took a break from studying today and spent some time catching up on people's blogs. First, of all, I don't keep in touch with people nearly as much as I ought to (I didn't say "should!"). Second, I think I have some of the best friends ever. I'm sure everyone feels that way about their friends, which is good. But I just wanted to go "on record" as saying that I think I have the BEST friends ever!

I think my friends are the kind of people who make you feel like you want to be a better person just by being around them. I need those kind of people and I feel pretty lucky to have that! I hope I can be that kind of friend in return.

School update

So, I love my classes! They are somewhat technical, things like phonetics and anatomy, but I LOVE learning about this stuff!! I know I am doing the right thing.

Sometimes, I still get scared though and think, is this really gonna work out? There is so much uncertainty still regarding my work schedule and, consequently, monetary implications. I go back and forth between worry and peace. I worry that I am doing the wrong thing or not doing enough. Then I sit back and realize that so much of what I've been through this last year has been guided by the Lord. So I know he's in charge and I know if I just trust him, and not get in his way, it will all work out. But it's SO not in my nature to just sit back and wait. I am way to much of a control freak - I hate uncertainty and I hate feeling like I'm doing nothing when there's so much I SHOULD be doing.

I also hate the word "should." It has the potential to carry so many negative connotations. If there is someting I "should" be doing, but don't, then I condemn myself for failing, i.e., I label myself a failure. (Yes, I am extremely hard on myself!) The thing is, I'm afraid that if I'm not hard on myself, then I'll get lazy or complacent somehow and that negative pressure is the only thing that's ever worked to motivate me to get anything done. But the older I get, the more I realize that the price I pay for that, the self-deprecation, is a bit too high in the long run and probably not worth the cost.

But change is hard. And takes faith. Which, ultimately, is a good thing. I know this is just another opportunity to stop worrying about what I should be doing, and stop agonizing about what I'm not doing, and focus on what I can do. I've never been good at functioning within my sphere of control, I'm usually focusing on my limits (or even what's outside my limits). I suppose feeling powerless can be fairly common, which is probably why the concept of focusing on what can be controlled is part of the twelve-step process.

So I don't know what my future holds, but for the moment, I think I'm in just the right place. I am happy in school and feel like that is as much a confirmation as anything else that I'm doing what I "should" be doing.

Family Reunion

My textbooks came in the mail on Saturday!! Whoohoo!!! It made school feel that much more real. I was so excited I started reading them right away!! I'm such a nerd.

Saturday was a fun day for a lot of reasons. It was our family reunion and we went to Lagoon. I have so many un-fond memories of Lagoon that I was having a hard time going; but my desire to see my cousins won out. Thank goodness. I wasn't there for very long, but it was great getting together and seeing how everybody was doing. It was strange, but I had a moment of "connectedness" that I didn't expect. I don't know that I can really describe it better than that; but it was something like feeling I was part of something. It was a good feeling and I am glad to have the family I have. Each in their own way are special, and I love all of them!

It was also an opportunity to let go of something. I gave all the lapidary* stuff I had from dad and grandpa, to my cousin Cam. I was holding on to it because of the memories I had being with dad and grandpa, rock hunting, metal detecting, panning for gold, etc. I imagined that as soon as I got into my own house, I would set up a "rock" shop and start cutting and polishing rocks. But over the last few months, I've realized that that idea was built more out of a nostalgic longing, than an actual plan. My intent was to hold on to something and the physical materials made it seem more real, but I had to ask myself, what am I really holding on to? I was holding on to memories, memories of being with my dad and enjoying his company and, if I might indulge my recollections, feeling like he enjoyed my company too.

I miss him. I think I'm having a harder time than I've been willing to acknowledge to myself lately. Especially now that school is starting. He always gave me a blessing before starting school. Oh, I know there a number of people around me who would give me a blessing if I asked, but it isn't the same. I'm reminded of part of my remarks at my friend Kim's funeral, I talked about how you don't lose someone just once, but that you lose them over and over. When you walk into their room, hear a song that reminds you of them, etc., you feel like you lose them again. Even after three years I still feel that, especially with school starting. Somethings are different though. As I said in my talk, with the help of time passing, I don't see all the ways I've lost him, but all the ways he is with me. That is a comfort and I think why I felt that "connection" at the family reunion. It reminded me that we are sealed to each other through Priesthood and Temple ordinances and no power on earth can divide that. We will be together again and I long for that day to arrive.

In the meantime, I'm trying to be realistic about what I hold on to. Hence, the giving away of the lapidary supplies. I know they mean a lot to Cam too, and I'm glad that they are going to someone who will use them, love using them, and hopefully, keeps that connection alive and well.

Thanks to everyone who came to the family reunion, it was great seeing you all and I love you!!

*Lapidary for the uninitiated is a fancy word that means rock cutting.

The Blessed Shopper

I've never revealed this to anyone, but I have a tendency to be a bit of a "lucky leprechaun" when I shop. Things like finding the exact item I want is on sale when none of the other similar products are; or it's common for me to find the LAST item in stock; the list goes on.

Anyway, last night was a bit of a doozy! So, I went to a podiatrist and she said I HAD to buy new shoes (I know, quell disappointment, no?) and some orthotic inserts. I went to REI and I thought I had what I needed, but just before I was about to leave the sales guy (who had been helping someone else) came over and asked if I found what I needed. After talking with him, it turned out, I hadn't. This guy knew everything and he was awesome! Needless to say, he helped me find exactly what I needed and I've had the best day on my feet today EVER! Thank you REI Dave!

I know what you're thinking, that's not such a big deal, that was his job. But, wait! It gets even better. I went over to Dillard's (again, my podiatrist said so) to find some shoes and she even gave me some specific brands to look for. I love shoes*. The lady in the shoe department seemed annoyed with me at first, because she kept asking if I needed help and I said I was "just looking." She finally got the message and would just waft by occasionally to check on me. I try to be really nice to sales people, they have hard jobs and they deal with mean people a lot, so I always try to feel out how jovial I can be with someone; sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. This time, it worked. So I started trying on some shoes and also tried to be happy with her and be slightly sarcastic (which I do REALLY well!) and she seemed to relax a little. I'll jump to the end: I ended up buying two pairs of shoes, for which she gave me two or three discounts, then gave me a bottle of Calvin Klein's Eternity for Men (not a sample, a whole freaking $100 size bottle!) for free, and two sketchers baseball caps (Mishka was with me), which were really nice! I was shocked! I actually gave her a hug and she said not to tell her husband! wink, wink!! :) Needless to say, she warmed up to me and even the manager came over and joined in on a couple of laughs. Talk about a "Lucky" shopping trip! I found the best shoes ever, and got tons of free stuff thrown at me!

In all reality, what it boils down to, ISN'T luck. It was being friendly to someone who had a long day. As we were getting ready to leave, the manager, who saw this lady giving me all this free stuff said, "it's nice to help people who are happy." Ultimately, it isn't all the free stuff that makes me feel good, it's knowing that I really made a difference in someone's day, just by being kind to them. My motivation was just to see her smile and I think that's why she gave me that stuff, she knew I was genuine and that I wasn't "angling" for anything. I remember when she gave me the cologne, and I asked her why, she said, in her thick Asian accent, "you're a good guy."

How cool is that? Maybe it's just my luck!

*I love shoes because I'm fat. i.e., unlike clothes, which never fit, I can always find shoes that fit, so I developed a taste for shoe shopping...

Now that's a bad day!

I just LOVE ths picture, it makes me laugh EVERY time I see it!!!

Lately, it serves as two reminders: 1) No matter how bad I think my day is, someone out there is having a worse one; and 2) Even a bad day can end up being a good laugh.

Not that my days have been terrible, or anything. I AM having a hard time at work; that's no secret though. I have a great job and the money is good, but I am reaching a point in my life where I feel the need to contribute. I want to feel that someone else's life was just a little better today because I was there and I was their friend. Not that I need any recognition; I just need to feel like I was useful to someone. That's what makes me feel important and worthwhile. My job doesn't give me that. I know that any condition we're in is only temporary. My sister's quote on her blog from Robert Frost is timely for me as well. He said, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

I love that reminder because it IS hard to remember. I recently gave a lesson in Elder's Quorum about the storms of life and how they can "cloud" our perspective because they are all we see, and so often it's hard to see past the boistrous winds and waves, and we become overwhelmed and afraid. I should say, "I become overwhelmed and afraid...," because I can't speak for anyone else. That's just been my experience. But life goes on. the storms pass. (The point of my lesson was that the Savior is our Rock in those times and he has the power to calm ALL storms, the natural, as well as emotional, storms of life.)

That's why I am looking forward to school so much. I have no illusions that it will be easy. I know working full-time and going to school full-time is going to wear on me, but I am excited because I know that this profession (Speech Language Pathology) is a step toward living a life of purpose.

My challenge now is to be patient. I don't do that well. I know, like any skill, it takes practice and I am grateful that I see this time in my life as an opportunity to improve that skill. It helps me realize that my Father in Heaven is not so concerned with my happiness that he won't allow me the growth that comes from trials. Let me say that another way, more than he wants me to be happy, he wants me to be better. With faith, trials make us better; with fear, trials make us bitter. Sometimes it's a fine line, but most of the time it's really just a choice.

Ughh! I SO hate taking responsibility for myself!! That, like patience, is also something I am not naturally inclined to. I've spent so much of my life blaming other people and circumstances for my unhappiness, that I have a "natural" tendancy to point the finger at anything and everyone but me. The last couple of years, however, have taught me that it's time to stop blaming everyone else and start being accountable for my own choices. It's amazing, but when I do, I feel free. I guess I would have thought that finally admitting that I am to blame for many of the bad things that have happened to me would have overwhelmed me with guilt and regret, and to a certain extent I do feel that at times, but, unexpectedly, I sometimes receive the same miracle that the Savior's disciples received (Matthew 8:26):

"Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm."

Now that's a good day!

At work we've been reading a book called "How Full is your Bucket" and as a project we've been filling people's bucket - kind of like a secret santa - with encouragement, praise, etc.

Anyway, I went to a meeting and when I came back to my cubicle I had paper posted all over the place. They were notes from my co-workers with compliments for and about me. It was very touching and I really needed it. I've been having a hard time at work lately and it was humbling to feel like I'm making a difference, or at the very least, having a positive impact on others.

I gathered up the strips and put them behind my computer where I can see them...

It made my day and will probably be one of the best surprises I've ever had!! Thank you Jennie!!! (My secret santa bucket filler!)

A particular kind of music

So, I really do like all kinds of music (except country music, which is an oxymoron!). But occasionally, when I'm feeling sombre or melancholy, I like music that is soft and makes me feel like I'm floating. I don't know why it's so comforting, or soothing, but I sometimes really need it to de-stress.


I recently came across one such song on the soundtrack to the movie Corpse Bride. I have always liked this movie, and the score, but there was one song that really seemed to match my need for calmness. I played this song over and over for a couple of days. I guess I'm totally stupid, because I just now realized that my need to comfort has of course been influenced by the difficulties of the past week with my friend passing away and reliving some things from my past.

In any case, I was pondering why this music was so touching to me and why I was so affected by it. And then, more slowly than suddenly, I realized what it is. It captures the sweetness of time passing. I'm usually in a rush to get things done, I never seem to have the time to do all the things that need to get done in a day. But listening to that song, and others like it, reminds me to slow down and appreciate the things that can't be rushed.

I feel a little emabarassed to admit this, but I woke up this morning far too early and I couldn't get that phrase "time passing sweetly" out of my head, so I went to my computer and wrote down my thoughts. It turns out, I wrote it in poem form. I wanted to share it here, but I'm not a poet, so I'm a little embarassed at how juvenile it must sound (I give you permission to make fun of me!). But in any case, I hope it serves me as a reminder that some things cannot be rushed, and it's okay to slow down and appreciate them. And fortunately, I have great music to help me do that.



Time Passing Sweetly

There’s always so much to do.
Each day is filled with things to be done,
Rushing from one task to another;
Because,
After all,
There’s only so much time in a day.

But there are moments in life
Where time is not measured by the quantity of accomplishments.

These are moments of time passing sweetly.

Have you ever been alone in the woods and listened?
Somehow, beneath the birds chirping,
Beyond the insects buzzing,
Past the wind sighing,
You can almost feel the trees growing;
There, time passes sweetly.

Have you ever sat and watched a day end?
To see the sun slowly descend,
To see the rays of light cast a golden glow through the air,
To see the clouds washed with color,
To see the sky darken into the solitude of night;
That is time passing sweetly.

And there are other evidences of time passing sweetly.

In the thin, sometimes fluffy, white hair,
In the wrinkles and lines of age,
In the stooped shoulders that have borne so many burdens,
In the step, not quite as sure as it used to be,
In the hands, bent and misshapen, but with the warmest touch,
I see time passing sweetly.

And one day,
Our hearts will be mended.
All our cuts, bruises, scars, and deformities will be healed;
Where we are in pain, where we are damaged and broken,
All will be repaired.
But,
Most thankfully,
Our hearts will be mended;
As time passes sweetly.

This is the comfort in the promise of Eternity;
Time passing sweetly.