Sunday our ward had Elder Hales come by for a visit. The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve are seriously considering what to do with singles and the single's wards. I don't know why they choose our ward, but they've been through a few times, mostly members of the 70, though, not usually members of the 12. I guess it helps that our first counselor in the Bishopric is Pres. Monson's home teacher, but whatev's.
Anyway, I got to pass Elder Hales the sacrament and some people were thinking it was a big deal. Take it from me, it wasn't. I've served the sacrament to Pres. Monson and it wasn't any different. I'm not saying it's not cool, but really, they aren't any different in that respect. Wouldn't it be weird to have a goal to pass the sacrament to ALL the members of the 12? If I were to do something like that, then right now I'd be saying, 1 down 11 to go!!
The real point of all of this is that Elder Hales gave a really simple message, but one that I needed to hear. It was primarily about self-acceptance. I won't go over everything, I'd have to be able to read my notes to do that and I was writing to so fast most of it's not legible anyway..., but I will mention one or two things that stood out to me.
He said that we were to go home, look in the mirror, call ourselves by name and say, "It's good enough, just being you." That might sound all Stuart Smalley to some people, but I tried it, and it was surprisingly hard. I've been doing so much work trying to be okay with "me" that it surprised me how hard it was to say the words. It was like, saying it loud made it real and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. I think the other reason it was hard is because I don't yet know how to reconcile the "be okay with yourself" and "constantly improve" dictums that I feel I've been given. Those two things feel at odds with each other - how can I be okay with myself if I need to improve? If I need to improve something, doesn't that imply that I'm NOT okay with myself? I don't know, I haven't really figured that out yet. But at least I'm trying and I feel like I'm at least going to be blessed for following his counsel.
The truth is, it actually worked a little. I think a part of me couldn't help but believe what I was saying was true. As much as I've tried to avoid that kind of honesty with myself, I really had to admit that I really do like who I am, even if there are things about me I don't like. Then when I think about the things I don't like I tend to forget about the things I do like and my self-esteem suffers. Liking myself is a choice and for whatever reason, that choice does not come naturally to me, but like any quality, it can be practiced. Which is what I plan to do.
I know everyone knows the phrase, "whether you think you can or you think you can't you're right," but I've developed my own little version of that that goes like this: The only reason you think you can't, is because you think you can't. Conversely, the positive iteration of this would be: The reason you think you can, is because you think you can. (ha ha, I suddenly thought of the little engine that could... I guess this positive message had been around for while...)
Anyway, at the very least, it feels good to know that what I'm working on is important and to have an Apostle tell me that, from the pulpit, makes me feel like I'm on the right track and that helps even more to "think I can" handle this and get through it.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
One week anniversary
Officially, yesterday was day 7 without any sugar or simple carbs (for me that includes no pasta, rice, bread, etc.)!!! Woohoo!
I don't have any particular goal or time frame for not eating sugar, I'm just trying not to eat it anymore. I felt like it was time to make more of an effort. I've spent the last year or so bemoaning my fate when I eat unhealthy food and I finally decided that I do not want to do that anymore. Yes, it means sacrifice and maybe turning down a dinner invite or two, but I think in the long run it will be worth it. Well, it's my health, so I know it will be worth it.
It's been a weird week. I think it took me a couple of days before I felt like I was "detoxing." That is, headaches and kinda moody, and a few more days of rotating moods, happy, then sad, upbeat, then melancholy, etc. It's almost feels like an emotional thermostat trying to reset itself. I don't know how else to describe it. I can honestly say that I feel better. I'm a little bit more tired still, but I think my body is trying to adjust to living on fewer calories. I'm not starving myself or anything, I just find that I can't eat as much in one sitting when the food is nutrient dense, which is a good thing. The base of my diet is vegetables, lean meats (mostly eggs and poultry), and healthy fats.
So my plan is just to go as long as I can and pay attention to how my body responds. My main goal is to help control the amount of calories I eat and to make sure the base of my diet is nutritious. I know I eat a TON more when I eat sugar - don't know why exactly, but I think it's something like this. When I eat sugar, I'm getting a lot of calories, but no nutrients. I think my body responds by saying, "Hey! We got enough calories, but we don't have enough building blocks here (proteins, amino acids, enzymes, anti-oxidants, etc.) - you gotta eat some more!" So I crave more food, unfortunately, cravings typically cause me to eat unhealthy food, which only gives me more calories, but essentially starves my body of what it needs. So what does it do? Store the excess calories (turning love handles into a loveseat!) and keep me running to the fridge, or the store, or the fast food restaurant.
Again, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's exactly what's going on. Anyway, I have noticed that I do not crave things as often. I still get cravings once in a while, especially the first few days (trust me, it was a fight not to give in!), but now I seem to be having fewer and they are less intense. That makes me feel good and also makes me feel like I am doing the right things.
I know I have a long way to go. I've lived for so long not understanding how my own body works that I've left myself open to temptations and whims and I finally feel like I'm just beginning to understand how to get it under control. In one sense though, the damage is done and I have to accept the consequence of my actions in making me this heavy.
Sorry if this expression is too crude for you, but it's a reall kick in the crotch to realize that even though I was innocently ignorant, it doesn't change the fact that the way I am is a result of my own choices. That's been a tough one for me to accept. But I think I'm at the point where I realize I have to accept it before I can move forward. And, of course, no one else can change my body for me. Whether I feel it's fair or not to be the way I am and regardless of whether I accept it as a result of my own actions, no one can lose the weight for me. I have to be the one to fix it, even if I feel like I'm not the one who caused me to be fat in the first place.
So, that's what I'm trying to do and now I've got 7 sugar-free days under my belt, which I hope will translate into much fewer pounds under my belt down the road. I want to thank everyone who's been supportive of me in eating healthy and encouraging me to keep going, even when I feel like I've failed. I know I have to be the one to change, but I couldn't do it alone either.
p.s. I'll just put in a plug here for Elder Uchtdorf's talk in this last Priesthood Session on Patience. It's AMAZING and been a very timely message for me.
I already know I'll be eating out twice next week, so my goal is to make healthier choices and not overdo it on anything. I feel confident that I can successfully navigate eating out now that I've had this week to encourage me and help me remember that eating healthy really does make a difference in how I feel and I really do want to feel good!
I don't have any particular goal or time frame for not eating sugar, I'm just trying not to eat it anymore. I felt like it was time to make more of an effort. I've spent the last year or so bemoaning my fate when I eat unhealthy food and I finally decided that I do not want to do that anymore. Yes, it means sacrifice and maybe turning down a dinner invite or two, but I think in the long run it will be worth it. Well, it's my health, so I know it will be worth it.
It's been a weird week. I think it took me a couple of days before I felt like I was "detoxing." That is, headaches and kinda moody, and a few more days of rotating moods, happy, then sad, upbeat, then melancholy, etc. It's almost feels like an emotional thermostat trying to reset itself. I don't know how else to describe it. I can honestly say that I feel better. I'm a little bit more tired still, but I think my body is trying to adjust to living on fewer calories. I'm not starving myself or anything, I just find that I can't eat as much in one sitting when the food is nutrient dense, which is a good thing. The base of my diet is vegetables, lean meats (mostly eggs and poultry), and healthy fats.
So my plan is just to go as long as I can and pay attention to how my body responds. My main goal is to help control the amount of calories I eat and to make sure the base of my diet is nutritious. I know I eat a TON more when I eat sugar - don't know why exactly, but I think it's something like this. When I eat sugar, I'm getting a lot of calories, but no nutrients. I think my body responds by saying, "Hey! We got enough calories, but we don't have enough building blocks here (proteins, amino acids, enzymes, anti-oxidants, etc.) - you gotta eat some more!" So I crave more food, unfortunately, cravings typically cause me to eat unhealthy food, which only gives me more calories, but essentially starves my body of what it needs. So what does it do? Store the excess calories (turning love handles into a loveseat!) and keep me running to the fridge, or the store, or the fast food restaurant.
Again, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's exactly what's going on. Anyway, I have noticed that I do not crave things as often. I still get cravings once in a while, especially the first few days (trust me, it was a fight not to give in!), but now I seem to be having fewer and they are less intense. That makes me feel good and also makes me feel like I am doing the right things.
I know I have a long way to go. I've lived for so long not understanding how my own body works that I've left myself open to temptations and whims and I finally feel like I'm just beginning to understand how to get it under control. In one sense though, the damage is done and I have to accept the consequence of my actions in making me this heavy.
Sorry if this expression is too crude for you, but it's a reall kick in the crotch to realize that even though I was innocently ignorant, it doesn't change the fact that the way I am is a result of my own choices. That's been a tough one for me to accept. But I think I'm at the point where I realize I have to accept it before I can move forward. And, of course, no one else can change my body for me. Whether I feel it's fair or not to be the way I am and regardless of whether I accept it as a result of my own actions, no one can lose the weight for me. I have to be the one to fix it, even if I feel like I'm not the one who caused me to be fat in the first place.
So, that's what I'm trying to do and now I've got 7 sugar-free days under my belt, which I hope will translate into much fewer pounds under my belt down the road. I want to thank everyone who's been supportive of me in eating healthy and encouraging me to keep going, even when I feel like I've failed. I know I have to be the one to change, but I couldn't do it alone either.
p.s. I'll just put in a plug here for Elder Uchtdorf's talk in this last Priesthood Session on Patience. It's AMAZING and been a very timely message for me.
I already know I'll be eating out twice next week, so my goal is to make healthier choices and not overdo it on anything. I feel confident that I can successfully navigate eating out now that I've had this week to encourage me and help me remember that eating healthy really does make a difference in how I feel and I really do want to feel good!
Friday, April 16, 2010
"Bring Your Blog to Work" Day!
I thought since my sis was having so much fun documenting her daily life in the PRC, I thought, "why not document mine?" The photos* below outline my journey through work on a typical day.
*Click on a photo to see it enlarged.
I arrive. This is what my building looks like from where I park. (No, I'm not forced to park out in BFE, but it's just something I do to encourage more daily walking.)
By the by, it was a pretty morning!
Here is our reception desk that I walk past every morning.
Here is the big logo I pass as well. I go just around the corner to the left to clock in.
Me clocking in. (7:15am - right on time!)
Here is the LONG hall I walk down to the secure area of the building.
Here we are! Quick lean to the right to wave my badge in front of the security... thingy.
Here's the next hall! An immediate turn to the left...
...and I'm at my department. We are smak dab in the middle of the building with no sky lights or windows. Lame.
I walk straight ahead a bit, then turn right.
Straight ahead to the first left.
Hit the "clr" button on the copy machine as I walk past because I'm Monk-ishly OCD and say hi to the pretend greenery. Turning right.
My cubie is the last on the left.
You can tell because it has my name on it...
Here's looking into one corner...
...here's the other.
This is my fun wall. It's fun! Lots of China stuff from Reb!
This is my POV (point of view) just before I log in to my computer.
This is me working. (for those of you who are frequent visitors, I just happen to be wearing my Orange Sweater again - I promise, I've only worn it to work, like, three times now. And, memo to me, didn't realize it brought out my bald spot so much... hmm... I'll have to think about that one...
Anyway, here is my co-worker. We are on the same team. We don't talk much. (J/K - she's at school a lot so I don't see her much anyway!)
Today wasn't typical in that we were going on a field trip. They just finished the SelectHealth building and were giving us a tour, so...
Here's the other end of the hall from where I entered the "secured" area - basically at the back door that is not open to the public.
Here we are on our way.
And here's the entrance we just left.
The new home of SelectHeath. It may look somewhat plain, but it really is a nice building.
This was in the elevator. Look how cute Loretta is, she's not usually so coy! By the way, on the far left, that is not red eye on Ashley; she is half dutch, half devil.
This is the view looking west from the third floor, at the end of our tour.
That's really about it. All in all, it was a typical day, excepting for our little excursion, and now it's time to go home. Back out the maze and down the long hall...
...this is me clocking out. 4:21pm - phew, long day!
There's Eli (my car) still waiting for me waaaaaay at the end of the parking lot.
"Bye, Employee Services Center, see you tomorrow!"
I just realized why I never documented my daily life before - way too boring!!
*Click on a photo to see it enlarged.
I arrive. This is what my building looks like from where I park. (No, I'm not forced to park out in BFE, but it's just something I do to encourage more daily walking.)
By the by, it was a pretty morning!
Here is our reception desk that I walk past every morning.
Here is the big logo I pass as well. I go just around the corner to the left to clock in.
Me clocking in. (7:15am - right on time!)
Here is the LONG hall I walk down to the secure area of the building.
Here we are! Quick lean to the right to wave my badge in front of the security... thingy.
Here's the next hall! An immediate turn to the left...
...and I'm at my department. We are smak dab in the middle of the building with no sky lights or windows. Lame.
I walk straight ahead a bit, then turn right.
Straight ahead to the first left.
Hit the "clr" button on the copy machine as I walk past because I'm Monk-ishly OCD and say hi to the pretend greenery. Turning right.
My cubie is the last on the left.
You can tell because it has my name on it...
Here's looking into one corner...
...here's the other.
This is my fun wall. It's fun! Lots of China stuff from Reb!
This is my POV (point of view) just before I log in to my computer.
This is me working. (for those of you who are frequent visitors, I just happen to be wearing my Orange Sweater again - I promise, I've only worn it to work, like, three times now. And, memo to me, didn't realize it brought out my bald spot so much... hmm... I'll have to think about that one...
Anyway, here is my co-worker. We are on the same team. We don't talk much. (J/K - she's at school a lot so I don't see her much anyway!)
Today wasn't typical in that we were going on a field trip. They just finished the SelectHealth building and were giving us a tour, so...
Here's the other end of the hall from where I entered the "secured" area - basically at the back door that is not open to the public.
Here we are on our way.
And here's the entrance we just left.
The new home of SelectHeath. It may look somewhat plain, but it really is a nice building.
This was in the elevator. Look how cute Loretta is, she's not usually so coy! By the way, on the far left, that is not red eye on Ashley; she is half dutch, half devil.
This is the view looking west from the third floor, at the end of our tour.
That's really about it. All in all, it was a typical day, excepting for our little excursion, and now it's time to go home. Back out the maze and down the long hall...
...this is me clocking out. 4:21pm - phew, long day!
There's Eli (my car) still waiting for me waaaaaay at the end of the parking lot.
"Bye, Employee Services Center, see you tomorrow!"
I just realized why I never documented my daily life before - way too boring!!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Woohoo!!!
"April 14*, because it's not too hot and it's not too cold. All you need is a light jacket!"
Today was the "perfect date" and it really was a beautiful day; I took a couple of walks around our building to enjoy the sunshine. After how stormy (and snowy?!?) it's been lately, it felt awesome!
But what made me really happy, was that I registered for my classes today!!! I am so excited!! I've been smiling all day and it's a wonder I got anything done at work!! I start this Fall!!! It finally feels official.
*After some Ninja Googling, I realized the actual quote should be April 25... but you get the idea!
Today was the "perfect date" and it really was a beautiful day; I took a couple of walks around our building to enjoy the sunshine. After how stormy (and snowy?!?) it's been lately, it felt awesome!
But what made me really happy, was that I registered for my classes today!!! I am so excited!! I've been smiling all day and it's a wonder I got anything done at work!! I start this Fall!!! It finally feels official.
*After some Ninja Googling, I realized the actual quote should be April 25... but you get the idea!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Past lives... 1960
I realize my blog can get a little TOO serious, so today I've decided to inject a little levity and reveal one of the people I used to be in a past life.
This me when my name was Garth (Garth Pembrook actually). This is in 1960 when my mom was 10 years old and my dad was 12. It is also loving referred to as my "Raymond Burr" period.
Stay tuned... so many past lives, so little time...
This me when my name was Garth (Garth Pembrook actually). This is in 1960 when my mom was 10 years old and my dad was 12. It is also loving referred to as my "Raymond Burr" period.
Stay tuned... so many past lives, so little time...
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Why we have journals...
Today I pulled out an old spiralbound notebook that I had used in school, which I have a tendency to use as journals. I've got all these notebooks with random things in them, some have dates, some don't. I opened it to write some thoughts down and instead, I started looking through it. I found an old entry of a time I went to a ropes course. It's one of those team building things where you do various obstacle courses. Not my favorite thing. But it did bring back some old memories. One being that I really do have the courage to face my fears and do hard things.
I accept some things in life are coincidences; but not this. It really was an answer to a prayer - not the one I expected and certainly not in the way I expected - but an answer nonetheless. It reminded me that EVERY ordinary person is capable of extraordinary things. I took the time to do more introspection and I learned many things about myself and my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I identified a cycle that I fall into and that helped me identify some of my major pitfalls that lead to a lot of frustration.
Two of the things I know I need to work on right now are combating negative thoughts and not worrying so much about what other people think of me (yes, still working on this one!). These are not mutually exclusive, but they do seem to show up a lot together.
I learned one other thing: This is why we have journals!!
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Black Holes of life
Black Holes suck. Literally and figuratively. Theoretically, they spew. Radiation. But whatever, I'm not a scientist. Where am I going with this? Not a clue. I'll just keep typing and see what happens...
Some things that are my life's black holes: Negative Thoughts. Sugar. Movies/TV. They are black holes because they suck away my energy and/or time. Why are time and energy so valuable that we mourn their loss, then regret having lost them and then think we can somehow cheat and spend money to buy them back? I want to believe there is a quickfix to my problems, a magic pill, so to speak. I don't think I'm alone in that and it gives me some sympathy for people who become desparate and trade the magic pill for a magic bullet to solve their problems. Now, don't freak out on me, I'm not saying I'm suicidal, but I'm walking in someone else's shoes right now and feeling some empathy.
There is no quick fix and no magic pill (or bullet for that matter). I think my biggest black hole has been desperately wanting to find one, but knowing I never will.
That's kind of depressing, isn't it? Sorry. Depression is a side-effect of carbs for me. It should be apparent that I have not eaten well this week.... I guess, upon further reflection, I'm not so much depressed as stuck. It's a hard thing to realize that the only way out of something is through it. Then it's harder to feel like you don't have the ability TO get through it.
It's like looking at the mouth of a long dark tunnel, knowing that walking through it is the only way to go, but so afraid of the dark that you're paralized from taking that first step. It's so much easier to lay down and wait for someone to come along and take your hand and lead you through it. It takes many years to realize that no one's coming.
If I'm honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that only reason no one's coming is because the only One who can, already did. He already walked through the tunnel and it's up to me to follow... or not. Can I follow? I don't know... that's why I'm stuck. I know what I NEED to do, I just don't believe I CAN do it. Enter the negative thought black hole...
Wow, I really had no intention of blogging about this, but I think I did because I need advice. How have any of you out there faced your fears? How do you find the courage to take that first step...?
Some things that are my life's black holes: Negative Thoughts. Sugar. Movies/TV. They are black holes because they suck away my energy and/or time. Why are time and energy so valuable that we mourn their loss, then regret having lost them and then think we can somehow cheat and spend money to buy them back? I want to believe there is a quickfix to my problems, a magic pill, so to speak. I don't think I'm alone in that and it gives me some sympathy for people who become desparate and trade the magic pill for a magic bullet to solve their problems. Now, don't freak out on me, I'm not saying I'm suicidal, but I'm walking in someone else's shoes right now and feeling some empathy.
There is no quick fix and no magic pill (or bullet for that matter). I think my biggest black hole has been desperately wanting to find one, but knowing I never will.
That's kind of depressing, isn't it? Sorry. Depression is a side-effect of carbs for me. It should be apparent that I have not eaten well this week.... I guess, upon further reflection, I'm not so much depressed as stuck. It's a hard thing to realize that the only way out of something is through it. Then it's harder to feel like you don't have the ability TO get through it.
It's like looking at the mouth of a long dark tunnel, knowing that walking through it is the only way to go, but so afraid of the dark that you're paralized from taking that first step. It's so much easier to lay down and wait for someone to come along and take your hand and lead you through it. It takes many years to realize that no one's coming.
If I'm honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that only reason no one's coming is because the only One who can, already did. He already walked through the tunnel and it's up to me to follow... or not. Can I follow? I don't know... that's why I'm stuck. I know what I NEED to do, I just don't believe I CAN do it. Enter the negative thought black hole...
Wow, I really had no intention of blogging about this, but I think I did because I need advice. How have any of you out there faced your fears? How do you find the courage to take that first step...?
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Updates and thoughts
Since there are no comments on my Kefi post, I am going to take that as a No - which makes sense, now that I think about it. If I can't find it, why should I ask anyone else to tell me where it is? Oh well! I'm sure it'll turn up eventually.
On the plus side, I have news about school. I was accepted at the University of Utah, again. This time for a 2nd Bachelors in Communication Disorders. I will be taking a couple of years worth of classes and then applying for the Master's Program. I am SO flipping excited!! I never thought I would be this excited to go back to school, but I am. (I am also taking that as a really good sign that I am doing the right thing.) I start this Fall and, frankly, can't start soon enough.
It's strange, some days I'm happy at work (probably because I know it's not permanent) and other times I feel like it's the worst drudgery known to mankind (probably because it's not rewarding in the ways that I need). I felt bad when my co-worker T. read a previous post where I said it was a job and not a career, and T. said it IS a career for them (sorry T!). Well no offense to anyone in HR. I've done it for 8-9 years and while T. was right, it can be a career, I just meant that it isn't a long-term career option for me.
I think I will like Speech Therapy for a ton of reasons, but one of the most important is that it's a career where I can help people, but not earn a lot of accolades, if that makes sense. I like the thought of helping people, but then having them be able to look back and feel good about the hard work THEY did to improve.
I imagine the most rewarding thing out there is to help someone else realize their own potential. I don't feel like I had that in my own life. That's not to say that there weren't people to help me along the way, because there most certainly were. I just never felt that I consistently had anyone in my corner, rooting for me. I felt like I've struggled my whole life to understand why I should improve when I don't feel that anyone else around me cared if I did or not. I know I'm hoppin' the train to Martyrsville here, and I don't mean to do that.
I blame perception. There were (and are) people who care about seeing me improve, but for a long time I couldn't see it and that made me feel pretty worthless and lonely. It's been a hard thing to "learn" how to feel worth and I still have a lot to learn. But I'm much better than I was and that's partly due to the wonderful people who have influenced my life. I know that I could not be where I am today without the love and support of family and friends (so THANK YOU to everyone reading this!) and I also know that my Father in Heaven has orchestrated every good thing that has happened to me and has guided me to meet those who have loved and supported me. I really feel like I am surrounded by the best people on Earth and I know it's not through any merit of mine.
To whomever might be reading this: Thanks for being there helping me when I've needed you.
On the plus side, I have news about school. I was accepted at the University of Utah, again. This time for a 2nd Bachelors in Communication Disorders. I will be taking a couple of years worth of classes and then applying for the Master's Program. I am SO flipping excited!! I never thought I would be this excited to go back to school, but I am. (I am also taking that as a really good sign that I am doing the right thing.) I start this Fall and, frankly, can't start soon enough.
It's strange, some days I'm happy at work (probably because I know it's not permanent) and other times I feel like it's the worst drudgery known to mankind (probably because it's not rewarding in the ways that I need). I felt bad when my co-worker T. read a previous post where I said it was a job and not a career, and T. said it IS a career for them (sorry T!). Well no offense to anyone in HR. I've done it for 8-9 years and while T. was right, it can be a career, I just meant that it isn't a long-term career option for me.
I think I will like Speech Therapy for a ton of reasons, but one of the most important is that it's a career where I can help people, but not earn a lot of accolades, if that makes sense. I like the thought of helping people, but then having them be able to look back and feel good about the hard work THEY did to improve.
I imagine the most rewarding thing out there is to help someone else realize their own potential. I don't feel like I had that in my own life. That's not to say that there weren't people to help me along the way, because there most certainly were. I just never felt that I consistently had anyone in my corner, rooting for me. I felt like I've struggled my whole life to understand why I should improve when I don't feel that anyone else around me cared if I did or not. I know I'm hoppin' the train to Martyrsville here, and I don't mean to do that.
I blame perception. There were (and are) people who care about seeing me improve, but for a long time I couldn't see it and that made me feel pretty worthless and lonely. It's been a hard thing to "learn" how to feel worth and I still have a lot to learn. But I'm much better than I was and that's partly due to the wonderful people who have influenced my life. I know that I could not be where I am today without the love and support of family and friends (so THANK YOU to everyone reading this!) and I also know that my Father in Heaven has orchestrated every good thing that has happened to me and has guided me to meet those who have loved and supported me. I really feel like I am surrounded by the best people on Earth and I know it's not through any merit of mine.
To whomever might be reading this: Thanks for being there helping me when I've needed you.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Has anyone seen my Kefi?
I recently watched the 2nd season of Chuck and I love this show. I really do like lots of different kinds of shows (except reality shows - I hate it when reality becomes scripted... it's no longer "real," but I digress...), however I seem to gravitate to certain kinds of shows. Some of my favorite shows, past or present, are (in no particular order): 30 Rock, Alias, X-Files, Medium, Lost, Numbers, Fringe, Bones, Chuck, Pushing Daisies, Star Trek: TNG, 3rd Rock From the Sun, etc. (This list doesn't even include British TV Shows or Cartoons!)
While I think I have a range of interests, I do seem to gravitate to some of the more sci-fi-ish types of shows. While watching Chuck, which is a spy "dramedy" I was asking myself why I liked this show so much. The answer was, I watch those shows and think, what would I do in that situation? Which I know is totally ridiculous because it's tv, not real life, but what if...?
That's when I realized I have no Kefi. Has anyone out there seen the movie My Life in Ruins? I actually really like that movie and part of the plot is Nia Vardalos' character trying to find her Kefi. It doesn't have an exact English translation, but it incorporates the themes of passion, dreams, fun, excitement, spirit, etc.
I don't think I have any Kefi in my life, so I find it in these shows which allow me a chance to "escape" reality for a time and think about how exciting it would be to be a spy; having to use your wits, that rush of controlled adrenaline in dangerous situations, kung fu-ing the crap out of the bad guys... I think that would be fun. Now, I should just say, for the sake of honesty, I have no illusions about what I'm capable of in real life and if I were to be a spy, I would be dead in 3.5 seconds. But, it's fun to think about anyway.
So, where does Kefi come from and where do I find it? I guess what I'm basically saying is that I realized that I don't have anything in my life to be passionate about. I may have lots of interests and hobbies, stuff like art and cooking, etc., but nothing that I really feel passionate about. I don't have that thing that I really "live" for, ya know?
How do I find my Kefi?
While I think I have a range of interests, I do seem to gravitate to some of the more sci-fi-ish types of shows. While watching Chuck, which is a spy "dramedy" I was asking myself why I liked this show so much. The answer was, I watch those shows and think, what would I do in that situation? Which I know is totally ridiculous because it's tv, not real life, but what if...?
That's when I realized I have no Kefi. Has anyone out there seen the movie My Life in Ruins? I actually really like that movie and part of the plot is Nia Vardalos' character trying to find her Kefi. It doesn't have an exact English translation, but it incorporates the themes of passion, dreams, fun, excitement, spirit, etc.
I don't think I have any Kefi in my life, so I find it in these shows which allow me a chance to "escape" reality for a time and think about how exciting it would be to be a spy; having to use your wits, that rush of controlled adrenaline in dangerous situations, kung fu-ing the crap out of the bad guys... I think that would be fun. Now, I should just say, for the sake of honesty, I have no illusions about what I'm capable of in real life and if I were to be a spy, I would be dead in 3.5 seconds. But, it's fun to think about anyway.
So, where does Kefi come from and where do I find it? I guess what I'm basically saying is that I realized that I don't have anything in my life to be passionate about. I may have lots of interests and hobbies, stuff like art and cooking, etc., but nothing that I really feel passionate about. I don't have that thing that I really "live" for, ya know?
How do I find my Kefi?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
misc
I don't really have anything to say. I just didn't want to look at my orange sweater picture anymore.
That picture does remind me, I was going to show you some Chinese Lanterns that I made when our work celebrated Chinese New Year:
There are a couple that aren't in this photo because I gave them away. But the one on the far right is my favorite. I had a lot of fun playing with different designs (the ones that are missing are more square), but I will probably never do that again. It took a lot of time and trying to figure out how to get the tissue paper inside was a challenge.
Since I'm online, I guess I'll just keep typing my thoughts...
I had a rough day at work today. I won't go into details, but I didn't feel very supported and it kind of ticked me off. I am dealing with it and trying to just let it go, but I'll admit, it hurt a little. The only reason I mention it, is because it brought on a HUGE oreo craving! I don't usually even like oreo's that much, but it was all I could think about. I'd just read "YOU On A Diet," so I was totally aware that my emotional state was driving this craving, but just kowing that didn't make it go away. Actually, it still hasn't. But then I prayed and thought about all the reason's why I am trying NOT to eat that stuff and it helped my resolve. It didn't take the craving away, but it helped me decide to go to the gym, rather than the store... which was a mini-victory for me today. But I still want the friggin' cookie...
One thing I've been trying to do is connect what I want in my future with my choices today. I know that probably sounds lame and remedial, but it occured to me the other day that I've spent most of my life wanting better, but not really doing anything about it. (Picture me sitting slouched on my comfortable couch with a bag of oreos perched on my tummy mindlessly inserting cookie after cookie into my mouth wondering when I'm going to lose weight... Okay, maybe don't picture that because that's just embarassing, but you get my point.) Now, when I'm faced with a craving, or I think I'm too tired to exercise, I think about what I want my life to be in the future and I ask, "is eating this bag of oreos going to help me get to that future, or take away from it?" The answer is obvious and it helps me keep perspective, and to realize that 9 times out of 10, I really don't want to eat badly or avoid exercise, but I just need to focus on correcting whatever is affecting me emotionally at the moment.
It's not fool-proof by any means, but it's helped. It definitely takes practice. But if it influences even a few decisions, then I figure I'll be better off in the long run because every little bit helps, or so I've heard it said.
Does anyone else have those kinds of struggles? Or does anyone else have any tips that work for them? Please share...
That picture does remind me, I was going to show you some Chinese Lanterns that I made when our work celebrated Chinese New Year:
There are a couple that aren't in this photo because I gave them away. But the one on the far right is my favorite. I had a lot of fun playing with different designs (the ones that are missing are more square), but I will probably never do that again. It took a lot of time and trying to figure out how to get the tissue paper inside was a challenge.
Since I'm online, I guess I'll just keep typing my thoughts...
I had a rough day at work today. I won't go into details, but I didn't feel very supported and it kind of ticked me off. I am dealing with it and trying to just let it go, but I'll admit, it hurt a little. The only reason I mention it, is because it brought on a HUGE oreo craving! I don't usually even like oreo's that much, but it was all I could think about. I'd just read "YOU On A Diet," so I was totally aware that my emotional state was driving this craving, but just kowing that didn't make it go away. Actually, it still hasn't. But then I prayed and thought about all the reason's why I am trying NOT to eat that stuff and it helped my resolve. It didn't take the craving away, but it helped me decide to go to the gym, rather than the store... which was a mini-victory for me today. But I still want the friggin' cookie...
One thing I've been trying to do is connect what I want in my future with my choices today. I know that probably sounds lame and remedial, but it occured to me the other day that I've spent most of my life wanting better, but not really doing anything about it. (Picture me sitting slouched on my comfortable couch with a bag of oreos perched on my tummy mindlessly inserting cookie after cookie into my mouth wondering when I'm going to lose weight... Okay, maybe don't picture that because that's just embarassing, but you get my point.) Now, when I'm faced with a craving, or I think I'm too tired to exercise, I think about what I want my life to be in the future and I ask, "is eating this bag of oreos going to help me get to that future, or take away from it?" The answer is obvious and it helps me keep perspective, and to realize that 9 times out of 10, I really don't want to eat badly or avoid exercise, but I just need to focus on correcting whatever is affecting me emotionally at the moment.
It's not fool-proof by any means, but it's helped. It definitely takes practice. But if it influences even a few decisions, then I figure I'll be better off in the long run because every little bit helps, or so I've heard it said.
Does anyone else have those kinds of struggles? Or does anyone else have any tips that work for them? Please share...
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