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I survived!

2011-12-29T16:14:00.000-08:00

Isn't there a t.v. show called, "I should be dead?" No, wait! It's Animal Planet's "I shouldn't be alive." Okay, same difference. Anyway, that's a bit how I ended the semester. On the one hand I didn't perform as well in some of my classes as I'd hoped, but then, on the other hand, I actually ended up doing better than I thought (all A's and one B - which probably should have been a C!). Yes, I know I'm naturally hard on myself, but seriously, you know when you really haven't done your best, right?

I'm not sure what I wanted this post to be about... I don't know how to sum up the experiences and things I've learned over the last 4 months. Here I am on the otherside of one of the hardest semesters of my life and I still can't believe I got through it. It's like my perception is still trying to catch up with reality. Well, here are a few things I have reflected on...

1. Don't move during the middle of a semester!
I moved in the middle of October into my step-mom's house to watch it for her while she is on her mission (Area Office in Frankfurt, Germany). It was all supposed to work out perfectly - she would leave right after Gen Con on Oct 3rd, then I would use my Fall break to pack up and move during the 2nd week of October... until I got summoned for Jury Duty THAT week!! I felt like I had a target on my back and the universe had just been waiting for me to "hold still." Yes, it was an awful week, but I got through it. Actually, it was my family that got me through it; I could never have done it without them. They helped me pack and move; they were just there for me, which means a lot to me.

2. What am I worth?
When things started getting really hard I asked myself a lot whether or not I was capable enough to do this. Logically, I knew the answer was yes, but the doubt I felt about my ability was crushing at times. I wondered why this was so hard if I loved it so much? Shouldn't the things we love doing be "easy?" Or at least enjoyable? I was starting to feel like I had made a huge mistake and that my biggest mistake was thinking I could do this... then I remembered that I have the agency to choose both what and how I think. I realized that I have a tendency to see the world as very black and white, which it's not. I somehow learned to equate "hard" with "wrong." Meaning that if something was "too hard" then it must be the wrong thing to do becuase when you when decide to do the right thing, Heavenly Father makes it easy for you to do, right? The people of Alma, for example, were in "bondage" to the Lamanites, but Heavenly Father blessed them that their burdens were light and they could not feel them; they submitted cheerfully; etc. Well, guess, what? That's not always true. I think for me, when things get hard, it's just an opportunity to examine my faith and decide how important is the choice I am making. Part of that is having to decide whether or not I feel I am worth doing hard things.

3. Who am I here for?
I had a huge epiphany one day when it suddenly occured to me that I was more worried about what my professor's and peers would think of my grades and assignments than actually learning the material to be a competent clinician. I would look at others in the class and would find myself lacking compared to their strengths; I would worry that my professors would be disappointed in my shoddy or lackluster work. But then I had this epiphany and asked myself, who am I here for? Am I in the program to impress people? Am I here to try to get better grades than everyone else, thereby proving my importance? Is it to get the praise of my professors above others? Of course not!! I'm here because I want to help people. I'm here because I want to feel like my life has been useful to others. I'm here because I want a fulfilling career and a better life. I lose sight of that everytime I compare myself and find that I'm not good enough. The problem is in comparing myself to others. As soon as I start comparing, I lose. I found that when I stopped comparing myself, I realized that I am capable and that I'm here because I think my strengths are suited for this career. As soon as I took the pressure off to perform like everyone else, I realized that I was missing out on truly enjoying what I was learning because I wasn't learning it for me, I was learning it to try to prove my worth... well, guess what? My worth never went anywhere - it's always been inherent, I just wouldn't let myself see it. But I see it now and my hope is that all these things I have learned will help me in the future to stop adding more stress where it's not necessary. School is hard enough as it is, I don't need to make it worse by thinking I'm not capable.

These are not the lessons I expected to learn in Graduate School, but they are obviously the lessons I've needed to learn and I am grateful for that. I know I'm in the right place and I know everything will work out. Looking back, maybe it was the "Fall of Micah" afterall. Here's to Spring and 5/6 of the way through!! In other words, 1 semester down, 5 to go...

College crisis... kind of

2011-11-09T19:49:00.000-08:00

I had something really weird happen the other day. I suddenly couldn't remember why I thought Graduate School was a good idea. I am so terribly stressed out right now, that I don't remember the last time I felt like this. I've never been so close to a nervous breakdown over school!! Sure, I've had pretty rough times in life, but this is just different. Normally the things that really stress me out are emotional or physical (like being sick or twisting my ankle or something like that). I feel like this is totally intellectual stress and that my brain is only capable of processing so much information at a time and unfortunately for me, it's not nearly fast enough. I've never really thought of myself as stupid, but the last couple of weeks have made me seriously question that. I haven't been doing as well in school as I'd hoped; I'm not saying I'm doing bad - I mean I'm passing my classes and stuff, but I'm just not doing as well as I expected and that's been really, REALLY hard on me. Now I don't really know why I'm here putting myself through all this... How do you find hope you feel like you don't even have time to breathe?

Uncle Paul

2011-10-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

So you know how I have a previous blog post with me and "my uncle Paul?" (which is how I refer to Paul Giamatti) Well, a couple days ago in class, this girl turns to me and says, "you know who you look like?" I smiled and said, "I think so." But didn't say who because I didn't want to be presumptuous. Then I thought, whatever, be totally presumptuous - so I blurted out "Paul Giamatti?" Her response, "I don't know his name..., but he was in the Truman Show..." Yep! Uncle Paul was in that flick! So it has now been independently confirmed - that's all I'm saying.

I'm in!

2011-10-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

So I moved today.

I am exhausted. I haven't had much time for packing, what with jury duty and studying, etc., but my mom and sis came over Friday night and got me squared away. Then my mom and other sis came over on Saturday and helped me (I should say "the movers") move. IT took about 5 hours and I felt like I had run a marathon after! I haven't been that active in a long time - especially after sitting for extended periods of time at school the last few months!

I am grateful to have such a great support system, my mom and sis's are great! (I know "sis's" isn't grammatically correct due to a phonotactic constraint, but I'm going to use it anyway - see how much I'm learning!)

I didn't have as much stuff as I thought, and yet, somehow, I also feel like I still have too much! I threw away or donated a ton of stuff over the last few months, anticipating the move, but I think I need to get rid of more.

In any case, I am glad that this week is over and I am glad that I am moved in!! Now I can focus on my midterms!! Yay for sarcasm!!

Jury Duty

2011-10-11T18:59:00.000-07:00

So, I had Jury today and I didn't get selected. I was SO happy!! They made us watch this 10 minute video (filmed circa 1990) about the jury selection process and they showed one guy who was not selected and he left feeling like there was something wrong with him. I laughed (inwardly). I thought it was funny the way they were able to take something that seems like a totally inconvenient burden and turn it into a sense of pride or honor to be a part of. I felt somewhere in the middle.

At first it WAS a totally inconvenient, but then once I resigned myself to the fact that I was there and maybe should just enjoy it, I was looking forward to it. Two hours later they said we could go home. I was kind of disappointed! They over-booked cases, but none of them panned out; someone didn't show for one, another case settled and another didn't have enough interpreters. So they let us go. I was actually really happy to go since I have so much going on this week, but it was an interesting experience in any case.

I would go again, just for the video!

p.s. wish me luck that all goes well this weekend - I am finally moving into Marilyn's house - my new home for the next 18 months!!

Things I learn from Aphasia

2011-09-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

I have class devoted to learning about Aphasia, which is a language disorder as a result of a traumatic brain injury, usually a stroke.

We watched a video of a conference that was held focusing on how to best counsel people with Aphasia. It was pretty interesting, but the thing that impressed me was the very humanistic approach that was adopted. One thing in particular that stood out to me was a quote that was shared that had no attributable author. I loved it so I've re-typed it below (preserving the punctation):

Anonymous Meditation
"We think we get over things.
We don't get over things
Or say, we get over the measels but not a broken heart.
We need to make that distinction.
The things that become part of our experience never become less a part of our experience.
How can I say it?
The way to "get over" a life is to die.
Short of that, you move with it.
Let the pain, be pain, not in the hope that it will vanish
But in the faith that it will fit in.
Find its place in the shape of things
And then be not any less pain but true to form.
Because anything natural has an inherent shape
And it will flow towards it.
And life is as natural as a leaf.
That's what we're looking for
Not the end of a thing, but the shape of it.
Wisdom is seeing the shape of your life
Without obliterating (getting over) a single instant of it."

Things I keep meaning to blog about...

2011-09-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

So I was talking to some friends a couple of weeks ago and I mentioned something in passing that shifted the conversation. I guess I didn't realize, or I just forgot that it's kind of a big deal.

A few weeks ago I came to church a little late, not by much. When I say late, I mean late for me, the meeting hadn't even started yet. In any case the family I usually sit with had more family there than usual so I didn't have my usual seat available. Long story short, I ended up sitting next to Pres. Monson for sacrament meeting. When he comes he usually sits just behind us, so I didn't really think too much of it. Later that day though, people kept commenting on it, saying things like, "how did you get to sit next to Pres. Monson?", like it was a big deal.

I guess I didn't think too much about it because I'm used to sitting "near" him. But after thinking about it, I guess I realize that it was a pretty unique experience to be able to sit next to him. He usually sits alone so he almost forgot to pass the bread to me, which I thought was funny. There's no denying that sitting next to him I felt a greater spirit with him and I had a reaffirmation that he is the Prophet, but I also have to acknowledge that proximity doesn't develop a testimony. I could know that he's the Prophet just as readily as if I had prayed about it. It is special to associate with him, but I don't think it should over-shadow that we can associate directly with the One who is directing him.

Happy inspite of...

2011-09-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

I didn't think I'd make it past the first week and here I am! We're already talking "midterms." I can't say that I've found my groove yet though. That will take some more time. I am at least starting to feel like I'm not going to totally burn out, so for me, that is progress. One of the hardest things I am trying to adjust to is a lack of structure. I mean, there are things I know I need to do, but the order that I get them done is totally up to me and that's unusual. I'm coming from HR where there is (usually) much more structure and I can feel my brain protesting at this new style of schedule. That and the amount of information being thrown at us each day is just overwhelming!

But as I was driving home today, I put on some good music and I was thinking about everything going on and I felt happy. I didn't necessarily feel peaceful or anything, but I was able to recognize on some level that I am happy where I am. Busy, yes. Trying, yes. Struggling, yes. Hard, yes. But I'm hanging in there and that makes me feel good. I think part of the reason I'm happy is because I am being challanged in such a new way and even though it's hard, its being hard doesn't detract from the fact that I love what I'm learning and I'm looking foward to all of the things I'll be able to do and all of the people I'll be able to help. That makes me hopeful and I feel like this time of great struggle is worthwhile.

That and I just finished reading Moby Dick, which I really, really enjoyed! Back to homework...

Catching up...

2011-09-09T15:06:00.000-07:00

...Or trying to anyway. When life changes, it changes SOOOO fast! I am feeling really overwhelmed at the moment. Graduate school is proving to be more of an adjustment than I thought. It's just flat out hard! (There is SO much to read!) I guess I knew it would be hard, but I really couldn't appreciate just how hard it was until I started. Now I can see why people kept saying, don't have another job, don't get married, have a kid, or buy a house, in other words, don't have a life for two years. They really mean it!!

I know I'll get through it, though. I know I will adjust, it's just that it's taking much more time than I thought it would. It's really making me question what I think I'm capable of and what I think I deserve (I really hate that word "deserve"). It might actually be more accurate to say, what I'm worth. Which is really a good thing. I'm glad that I'm in a place in life where I can be asking these questions of myself. I think that, in and of itself, is a sign of growth.

I am sad that I had to quit my job this week. I will miss the people I work(ed) with. They were (are) so much fun! But, with the school workload being what it is (and being offered a position to work in the department, which is a huge honor) I know it was the right thing to do. I am so excited to be working for my professors, getting to know them on a more personal level will be a great experience for me. I will really benefit as a clinician from my experience working for them. (I start working for them next week!)

I have also received my apprenticeship assignment at the Clinic and I am way excited about it. So as some background, even in our first semester, we are assigned to a mentor who is working with a specific client, and potentially, by the end of the semester we may even get to conduct a session or two with the client (with our mentor present, obviously!). Then, our second semester we are assigned our very own client! So they kind of just throw us in the fire from the very beginning. It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time. In any case, I did some clinical observation hours over the summer and I saw a few clients in particular. Well, as luck would have it, the client I've been assigned to just happens to be one of the people I had observed most! I feel really fortunate to get to work with somone I "already know," and it feels even more serendipitous knowing that the assignments were all random! Yet another reason to feel like I'm in the right place.

Even though I go home some nights wondering how I'm going to get through it, I know I'm in the right place. I know that everything will work out because it already is working out. I love what I'm learning and I know that when I get through it, my life will be so much better because I'll be doing something I love and can be passionate about.

Woohoo!

2011-08-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

After a few disappointing grades on a couple of assignments and doing really bad on the final I finally got my grade and guess what? I got an A!!! True, it's the very lowest percentage possible (93%), but hey, an A's an A, right? I'm glad it's done and I hope I never have to take an online class again - not my favorite format!!

Branding

2011-07-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

I think I've bogged about this before, but I need a brand. (okay, I don't NEED a brand, but I want one) I want something that represents me. You know how, like, some people's email are surfergirl5, or cycleordeath, or whatever? They have a brand - something that they can say "this is who I am" or "this defines me." I don't have that. I don't really have a trait or hobby or skill that really defines me. Why is that? I wonder if Speech Therapy will be "my thing?" I guess now I just need to figure out how to make Speech Therapy into a logo to complete my brand...

I also want a theme song. I would play the song when I'm in a good mood, just boppin' down the street.

Hm... now I'm wondering if maybe I've seen too many movies...

Lame

2011-07-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

So the whole reason I bought my phone was for its hotspot capabilities, however I just received a notice that now, if I want to use the hotspot, I have to pay another 30 bucks a month! Yeah, that's so not going to happen! Now I know how the netflix customer's feel! At least my phone does pretty well with most websites, but not all websites are "mobile compatible." Lame.

Spaghetti squash

2011-07-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

At the moment I am eating Spaghetti Squash for lunch. There are a couple of ways I like it. The first, the "noodles" lightly seasoned with salt, pepper and butter - yum!! But since I am not eating dairy and butter is out, I am having them the second way I like them, a la spaghetti sauce, homemade, of course!. (The sauce is tomato, mushrooms, onion, garlic, ground turkey, and my own special blend of seasonings!) No, the squash does NOT taste like actual spaghetti does, but that being the case, it's still pretty good. Also, it's just a great alternative to regular pasta and much, much healthier.

Incidentally, I love Everyday Foods! I used to watch this program on Saturday mornings - I don't even know if it's still on or not - and I was shocked to find out it was produced by Martha Stewart. Normally, I'm not much of a Martha Stewart fan, but I really liked this show. The recipes were fairly straightforward and "doable."I think they even have a litte magazine they put out. In any event, this was the first time I had ever seen a spaghetti squash, let alone how to bake it. It makes me wonder what other foods are out there that are rarely used?

The Fall of Micah

2011-07-13T20:12:00.000-07:00

First off, just let me say, I wish I had more interesting things to blog about. I always find myself fascinated by other blogger's posts and wonder how they can find such interesting things to say. Then I realized - they are pretty much blogging about their average day, but because it's not my life, it sounds interesting. Maybe I'll try to add more posts about mundane things and see what happens.

I'll spare you the background story and get right to the point of my next thought. (My sister's will tell you - I'm a horrible storyteller, so I'm doing you a favor! You're welcome! *SNAP*) This is the Fall of Micah. So you know how some people say's it's "their year?" Great things are about to happen; they can feel it coming. As if a distant train, bearing a cornucopia of blessings, is speeding toward them with nothing but a faint rumbling in the ground to announce it's approach. For some people, the train has more of a timetable and it's not just their year, but their season, for example, "this is going to be the Summer of Carl," or whatever. Well, that's how I feel with Grad School starting this Fall. It's the Fall of Micah. I feel like great things are going to happen. There's an anticipation I can't describe or even attach to any specific future event - I just think life is going to be great! (Someone suggested to me the Autumn of Micah, but it didn't have the same ring to it.) Quite frankly, I feel like I have been 'falling' most of my life and I appreciate the irony of finally 'landing' on my feet during a Fall. (It's amazing how many good things can come from a Fall! And, yes, that was a shout out to Adam and Eve! And, no, it's not just you, I'm cringing at my own lame-ness!!) So, this is the Fall of Micah.

On a different note. Most of my job now is to conduct phone surveys. (Yes, it's as much fun as it sounds!) Here is what I look like at work with my headset on:

Here's how I feel about wearing it!

Just typing my thoughts...

2011-07-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

So I bought a new phone recently and I love it! It's a Thunderbolt by HTC; it's a smartphone with the capability to become a hotspot. In other words, I now have access to the internet anywhere I can get a cell phone signal AND I can run the internet off my computer from it! I LOVE it!!! I mean, I HEART it!!! (As a side note, I also love that I can feel like Harry Potter by saying that I have my very own Thunderbolt!! Yeah, I'm a nerd - I totally "own" it!!)

I cancelled my home internet about a year ago to save money and I'm really glad I did. Quite frankly, I can't believe I did without the internet at home for A YEAR!! But I really felt that with starting grad school in the Fall, not to mention my online summer class, that it was becoming more of a need. I did the first half of my summer class without it and it was tough. I had to go to the Library and be there ALL day - it was becoming extremely hard to do. Having the internet has made it significantly easier to participate in an online class - imagine that! It was good timing actually, my online class has gotten much harder where it requires me to do much more research. I thought I would be bored only working 3 days a week, but now that I have so much to do for this class, it's turned out to be a blessing.

Crikey! I just realized that I keep saying "starting school in the Fall," when I just realized - that's next month! Great googly-moogly!! I can't believe how good it feels to say "I'm starting Grad school next month!"

AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!! (kind of freaking out here!)

It almost seems surreal in a way. It was just about a year ago I was contemplating life and my direction when I made a decision to go back to school. Looking back, it's amazing to see how everything has fallen into place. For me it feels like some kind of divine intervention. A part of me wants to believe that all that has happened was somehow "meant to be," but I've learned another lesson. Sometimes, Heavenly Father just wants to bless me and He is capable of making things work out in such a way that it feels like fate or destiny or whatever. But really, it's just love. He loves to bless me when I choose to do good things. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be here without Him. I know that all the good things that have happened to me have been His doing. I also know that all the bad things I've been through have been for my good too. I don't know how to express that idea adequately so I'll save that thought for another day. Suffice it to say: I may have made some choices, but He made it all possible.

Homemade Syrup

2011-06-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

I miss the Saturday mornings when my dad would make us homemade syrup for our pancakes or french toast*. I remember him getting out the little sauce pot (hardly ever used because my mom normally cooks for an army!) and would put in some water and measure out some sugar. Then he’d separate it and make different flavored syrups, maple, orange, or even just plain, once in a while. I think he may have even put in a little food coloring just to make it interesting.

(I snagged this photo off the web w/o permission,
i.e. it's not a photo of my own!)

It seems like such a simple thing now, but I remember it made those mornings feel special – I suppose because it was out of the ordinary. And not only did he not do it often, I never knew of anyone else who could do that at all. Just one more of those surprising things that my dad knew how to do. He seemed so average most of the time and then out of nowhere he’d whip out this special skill he’d been hiding – who knows from where and who knows from how long ago. In fact, in a way, it seemed like these secret things he knew how to do were just a part of him, somehow written into his DNA, patiently waiting for the day they were needed. I bet he had a whole lot of other useful knowledge tucked away in secret corners of his mind, just waiting to be needed for special occasions. He knew how to make syrup. He knew how to make bullets. He could build a camp fire out of almost nothing. He always knew what was wrong with my car. I miss the things he could have taught me, but I’m also grateful for the memories I have of the ordinary days he made special with just a bit of syrup.

*Occasionally we made the "poor man's snow cone," by going outside to make snowballs, then bring them inside and pour on the syrup (we let the syrup cool a little so it didn't melt the snow all at once!).

I LOVE ridiculous things! (Big, blue, spoon-loving ridiculous things!)

2011-06-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

As evidenced by my fascination with this guy...

I loved the cartoon when it was on t.v. Which is why I bought both seasons! I've been re-watching them and they are hilarous!! Truly campy and ridiculous, but just my type of humor. (FYI, a little disappointed in the live action t.v. series [even though I bought that too!], but the cartoon - totally entertaining.) My favorite episode is "The Little Wooden Boy and the Belly of Love." I mean, seriously, the title alone, right!? And how can you not love a cartoon where an evil santa multiplies and the only way to eliminate the extra santa's is by generating static by rubbing them together - priceless!!

Uhhh... or maybe you just had to be there.

The speed of June

2011-06-11T14:18:00.000-07:00

Why is June so busy? What is it about Summer that things pick up so much? I feel like I have something going on every other day. I think I am partly freaking out because of all the things coming up this Fall. Starting the Master's program, moving in Oct (I'm house-sitting for a year and a half), and the uncertainty of how I'm going to pay for it all!! AAAGGHHH!!!

Okay, I'm not really freaking out THAT much! But still... I feel like I really wanted to enjoy the summer and it's just moving too fast! I think a lot of my anticipation is really excitement more than nerves. I feel like my life is changing so quickly, but in ways that I've needed and wanted, I don't know how to describe it - it's just a strange time of my life.

Things are busy, but life is pretty good.

Hi

2011-05-27T14:09:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Not much to say today.

Just "Hi."

Relating

2011-05-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

How do I say this... I just can't relate to some people.

Or, at least, I thought I couldn't.

I was talking to a friend* recently and we seemed to be going through some similar difficulties. That, in and of itself, might not seem like such a big deal, but it's really a matter of perspective. You see, I had unwittingly placed this person on a bit of a pedestal and believed that because of this individual's physical characteristics, I naturally assumed that life was easier for this person than for me. I didn't even realize I had done that - until I found myself relating to what this person was going through. It was an odd moment for me and I had a flash of realization concerning my beliefs about myself and others. I realized how easily I had minimized myself in comparison to this person and how natural it felt for me to consider myself inferior - primarily based on appearance.

I think what it really boils down to is the discovery that I have based my worth on appearance. The attractive kids in school were the ones that got all the attention. They were also ones making fun of me and "helped" affirm the belief that I was inferior and that I didn't fit in.

I realize now that it wasn't the fact that they made fun of me/were popular that was the problem; it was the fact that I bought into that idea and adopted it into my own beliefs. That's kind of a hard thing to accept because it means I can't really fault the people who made me feel bad - the fault was really mine for believing them.

I have to say, I'm really humbled by what I've learned. It made me conscious of beliefs that were unconscious and that alone is valuable. But the hard part now is changing my beliefs and changing my thoughts. I remember a talk by someone in my ward from some time ago, she shared a statement that her father drilled into them. When they expressed frustration at something that was hard, he would add to their statement "...and you can do hard things." I'm glad that message has come back to me now because he's right. Changing my thoughts is hard, and I can do hard things.

*Just to clarify, I don't think anyone reading this blog would know this individual as this person is not in my usual circle of friends, but I still want to protect their privacy so I'm not mentioning this person's name! In other words, don't ask me who it is!

Verdict is in!

2011-05-16T12:57:00.000-07:00

Woohoo!! I finally got my grades from last semester - 2 A's and an A-!!! (It took forever because one teacher moved to AZ at the end of the semester, so I'm pretty sure someone else in the department had to post her grades...) I'm pretty happy about the outcome, which is progress... the old me would have been quite annoyed at the "minus," but the new me is totally okay with it.

Okay, honestly, it bugs me a little, BUT I'll get used to it!

Give me a break, change takes time!

New Semester

2011-05-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

I start school today... again. Last week flew by, but I do feel that I was able to relax and enjoy it a little, so that's good.

My class is an online class through USU. I'm not a huge fan of online classes per se, because I don't feel there's a lot of consistency - or maybe I'm just lazy and unmotivated. Well, knowing that I HAVE to do well in this class to be able to start the Master's program at the U will hopefully be motivation enough. I did learn today that there are weekly quizzes; I'm actually glad as I hope that will keep me on track!

The only minor issue now is the fact that I don't have the internet at home. Pop quiz: do you think NOT having the internet would make an online class harder or easier? Answer: Umm.. Harder! Much, much harder. (Duh!)

My plan has been to wait until my cell phone plan is up for renewal and then upgrade to a phone that has "hot spot" capability, through which I can then run the internet on my computer off my phone. I'm not eligible for an upgrade until June 24th or some other such non-sense!! Grrrr... Oh well, I've been "making do" so far, I guess I can keep it up for a couple more months.

Bottom line: Online classes are T - U - F tough, without the "online!"

Freedom! ...now what?

2011-05-01T18:27:00.001-07:00

I am done with the semester as of last Friday!!! Whoohoo!! I am FREE!!

For a week.

Then I have to start my online class for the Summer. Bummer. Normally, I would not be taking an online class - way too easy for me to blow off. I like classroom learning much better; that and I am not motivated enough on my own... usually. I am hoping that the fact that I am "conditionally" accepted into the Master's program will be enough to keep me on track!

However, my big worry now is what to do with myself for the next week. I was so busy with school that I didn't make a plan for my time off. Me and unplanned free-time equals disaster. I usually end up totally wasting my time on frivolous stuff, then agonizing how I "should have done this or that!" No more "should!" I hate that word, but I hate it even more when I "should" all over myself.

So I'll hit the Temple tomorrow because I haven't been "in awhile." Then who knows. Do a little writing, a little painting, you know, whatever. Maybe this time I'll try something new - actually enjoying the break and not beating myself up for not being 110% productive 120% of the time. Hey I know! See a movie! It's been so long since I've just gone to a movie... and I still haven't seen the King's Speech... so I guess I have lots of catching up to do!!

(Ever notice how I use lots of "quotation marks" when I type? Guess what, I do that in real life too - lots of "air quotes" - I don't know why - always been that way!)

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the long post, but I thought I would post the talk I gave today in Church for those who missed it. Hope you like it!

Just know that I wish I could be talking with each of you individually today, and since I can’t, I hope you’ll hear what I have to say and maybe pretend that it’s just us. Because, I would like to ask you to do something. Well, maybe a couple of something’s; first of all, will you pray for me? I’ve had a hard time knowing what to say and I want to make sure that what I’m saying is really going to invite the Spirit in, because I know it’s the Spirit that will teach you what you need to know. Second, I would like to ask you to be completely honest with yourself and think about a time where you really struggled in life. Maybe it’s today, maybe it was last week, or a year ago, or several years ago, whatever. I’d just like you to have that in your mind as I speak to you today. Because what I want to talk about is personal, very personal, in fact, but I can’t see into your heart and I don’t know what your life has been like. But I do know that what I will talk about today will apply to you – so please be honest with yourself and don’t hold anything back.

Alma 7:7, 11-13

“For behold, I say unto you there be many things to come; and behold, there is one thing which is of more importance than they all – for behold, the time is not far distant that the Redeemer liveth and cometh among his people.

“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and sicknesses of his people.

“And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

“Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.”

Still thinking about a specific time you struggled? Good.

Somewhere far from here, somewhere I’ve never been, there’s a garden of olive trees. In this garden sits an olive press - which grinds down olives and presses out their oil. It is an appropriate symbol for what will take place there. On a quiet evening, Jesus and his disciples walk the familiar path to the garden. He takes Peter, James, and John and heads further into the grove. Leaving them a ways off, he enters a solitary place and offers a prayer. For the first time in his life, he is afraid. “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me.” But in spite of the fear, he proceeds. “nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” For the next three to four hours, he takes upon himself, what for us, is an incomprehensible burden. It is the weight of all our sins; all our pains; all our sicknesses, infirmities, fears, doubts; ALL of them. That time in your life when you really struggled? That too.

Thus began the Atonement, and it was just beginning. Over the next few hours and days he would be accused, cursed, smitten, mocked, scourged, spit upon and reviled. He would be judged of the world and delivered to the enemy. Still the Atonement was not complete. Forced to carry his cross until unable, he was lead to Calvary. There he was nailed to a cross and lifted up among thieves. There was yet one thing more to suffer. A pain even He could not fathom; as He carried the weight of our sins, His Father withdrew His Spirit. All of his burden, carried alone.

Why did he do it?

There is just one reason.

You.

Remember that time in life you really struggled with something? He did what he did so he could help you through that. He did it so he would know what you feel and how to comfort you.

What does that say about you? What does that say about how important you are?

Three days after His crucifixion, His final gift was given and the Atonement complete, for even death could not hold Him. He was resurrected and lived again, thereby ensuring that ALL mankind would be resurrected and able to return to the presence of our Father.

This is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The word gospel means Good News – and this is Good News, that because of Christ’s Atonement, we all will be resurrected and we all are given the possibility of exaltation (which is Eternal Life with God).

What he did was truly incomparable. Not one man or woman who ever lived, who lives now, or who ever will live on earth, can ever compare to Him. And everything He did was for you. You see, you are the key here. The Savior GAVE His offering, it is now your choice whether or not to TAKE it. You choose to accept His offering when you repent, when you exercise faith to obey His commandments. But mostly when you repent, so go to Him. Please don’t wait. Take Him your burden, He will recognize it, and He will know what to do. Trust Him. Repent. Reconcile yourself to Him.

I testify that we are nothing before Him, but we are everything to Him.

Please don’t get distracted. Please don’t ever think the things of this world can ever give you what He could give you. The world will never know His peace. The world will never know His love. But you can. The world and all it holds can never offer you the sweetness of forgiveness and I promise you, it is worth any amount of pain to achieve.

I bear you my testimony: God lives. He gave His Son as an offering so that we could be forgiven and so that we could return to His presence. I testify that by obedience to the commandments and through repentance, we accept the offering of our Father and of Jesus Christ and prove ourselves worthy of returning to their presence, not just for a moment, but for eternity. And I know it gets hard sometimes to remember that. So read your scriptures every day, they’ll remind you. Go to church each week, that will remind you. And when you take the sacrament, let that remind you too, not just of what he did for all men, but what he did for you.

John 16:33

“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Making up for only 2 posts in April so far...

2011-04-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

Just trying to survive the next couple of weeks. I probably make it sound worse than it really is. The last few weeks of the semester have been good, but also a challenge. Next week I have two finals and because I've decided to "settle" for an A-, I won't be taking my third class's final, which is optional, and I'm really okay with and A-, so yay! But with other projects to be done, I haven't been able to keep up on the other two classes, so here I am, having to take a few days off work to catch up! Grrrr...! (Well, what I'm really doing is avoiding even starting my homework by blogging about it!!)

I've also been experimenting with my diet again. I spent the last two or three years trying to discover how foods affect me, and that has been invaluable, but I am now trying to play with the idea of consistency. I might eat well for a week or two, but I usually binge on the weekends, pretty much negating any good I did during the week. Sticking to the foods that make me feel better and avoiding the foods that make me feel worse has been hard. Then I wonder to myself, why? If good food makes me feel good, and bad food makes me feel bad, then why is this even an issue? Why is it that I am willing to destroy my health, and even my life, for junk food? Not even junk food, really, because I'm also including pasta and bread and cheese (dairy) in all this...

I suppose it boils down to a tolerance for bad feelings. What I mean by that is, it is true that bad food makes me feel bad, but only after it makes me feel good. And not just good, but like, blissfully good. It doesn't just ease stress and pain - it makes it go away. Good food doesn't have that effect. Good food makes you feel good, it's true, but it doesn't "eliminate" the bad feelings like bad food does. These things are hard to judge and measure because they are not black and white topics, they are all about continuums. There are degrees of feeling good and bad and then it's further complicated by different types, such as feeling good or bad physically vs. emotionally vs. mentally vs. spiritually, etc.

You know what's strange? I go through the most amazing emotional and mental olympic events in order to avoid pain (stress, suffering, etc.), but I only end up supplanting some pains for other pains, so I haven't really eliminated pain, I've only altered it. As I type this, I'm starting to make some connections. I also think the reason I do this is to have some semblance of control. Food is something I can do something about, therefore, I use it like I am in control of it - in that way I convince myself that I am "in control." I control how I feel and when I feel it. BUT - it's a fallacy. What I have actually done is GIVEN control to food and to my body and deep down I know this is the wrong method, but the thought of "losing" that control and opening myself up to the pain of life that I can't control is terrifying. (stray thought here: I think I've just invented a new field that is the synthesis of art and science which I'll call "performance therapy")

So, I guess I need to figure out why am I so afraid of pain? I love C.S. Lewis' work on the meaning of pain, and I'll be honest it's a bit beyond me, but what I get from it is that pain has a purpose. It's a part of the experience of life and life is incomplete without it. For me personally, pain is what reminds me that I need a Savior, no, that I depend on a Savior. If my life were easy, I would never need Him. Maybe to some degree, my being so terrified of pain only aggrandizes it's effect. What if the pain of life really isn't all that bad, or at least, as bad as I "think" it will be and I am missing out on the joy of life, simply because I'm trying to avoid a little pain?

You know what? I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to be afraid of pain. I don't want to be afraid of repentance. I don't want to be afraid of change. I don't want to be afraid of life.

I can see why addictions are so strong: Just a simple little molecule called (insert drug of choice, i.e., sugar, alcohol, tobacco, etc), and all of your pain goes away. What could be simpler than that? It gives you relief and the feeling of being in control, even if it's just an illusion. Who wouldn't want that? But what are you left with? You are left with living life on only one side of the seesaw where nothing happens and life becomes meaningless. Who knew? Joy AND Pain make life fulfilling. Oddly enough, it's been part of the message of the gospel for as long as it's been around. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic here!)

Speaking of the gospel, and because I think that's enough Performance Therapy for one day, I have been asked to speak in church on Sunday. I was asked to "sum up the Atonement in 8-10 minutes." (I can hear Bill Cosby in my head going, "riiiiigggghhhhttt.....") I have been pondering and praying for a week now and I'm totally at a loss for what to say. No, wait, that's not right. I'm at a loss as to HOW to say it. The truth is, I have a lot of feelings about the Atonement, especially from the experience of my dad passing away, but how do you take something that personal and put it into words? I'm sure I'll come up with something, but I just know I won't be able to do justice to what I feel in my heart. I guess it's also hard because I know it's the last time I will be able to speak in my ward. Anyway, wish me luck! I'll let you know how it goes...

Shameless Self-Promotion!

2011-04-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had an idea for something you thought would look great on a t-shirt? Then we have something in common!! And for once in my life I actually did something about it instead of just talk about it! So, here it is...

You might be thinking, "Micah, that's gross. And not really you're style." 1) I DO think it's funny, and 2) you probably don't know me all that well!!

Everytime I look at it, it still makes me laugh!! Anyway, when I said I thought it would look good on a t-shirt, I meant it! SOooo... I set up a shop at Cafe Press and now you can buy your very own "Love Sick" t-shirt!! Yay for you!! Visit my CloudSeven store here:

Come visit my store on CafePress!*.

(*The shop/page doesn't seem to load in Explorer 9, so please try an earlier version of explorer, or use another browser!)

Seriously, though, buy something, I'm really poor right now and starting Grad School this Fall ain't gonna help, ya know what I'm sayin'? (I said this was shameless self-promotion!!)

GenCon 181

2011-04-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

I always enjoy General Conference! This one was no exception. I don't recall a lot of specific things said, but I took notes and marked the speakers that I know I'll need to go back to and read. Perhaps because it was so near the end I recall it better, but I was moved by Elder Holland's talk. I felt touched at his sincerity. I loved how he said that somehow, through all the messages and various topics, which are unassigned, that those who listen by the spirit to the messages prepared by the spirit would receive a "personal epistle." I felt that was true for me.

I had many questions that I wanted to receive answers to. I felt that even though most were not directly answered (or perhaps I just mean as directly as I would have liked) I felt the spirit alerting me to the speakers and topics that I would want to listen to and read later, that by future study, I might find the answers I seek. In other words, the answers I seek are there, but I need to do a little more work to obtain them. I'm okay with that.

I have been in many spiritual places in my life, some places have been very dark, some have been very bright. I can't help being grateful to be at a place where listening to conference is important to me. True, I have had to make some decisions about what I feel is important for me, but I also feel that the power to obtain the blessings I've obtained have come from my Father in Heaven. I feel a little bit like a boat, where my small, little rudder, or my will, is effective enough to direct my course, but only when coupled with the powerful driving force of the Lord's wind. Only with his help can I stay on course...

You be the judge

2011-03-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

Allusions have been made between me and this guy... you be the judge!

Maybe some similarities....

Spring Break at the Library

2011-03-21T10:49:00.000-07:00

I am at the Marriott Library right now, on campus at the U. It's pretty quiet which doesn't surprise me for Spring Break. You may be asking yourself, "Micah, why are you at the library on Spring Break?" And I would answer, "because I'm a nerd." Hahaha - only kind of kidding...

In any case, it's kind of fun being here when it's so empty. A lot of the tables have been cleared away and the carpets have been/are being cleaned, so it smells "soapy." About 10 minutes ago I almost had a heart attack at a scraping/click-ey noise right above my head, but then Ella Fitzgerald's voice came streaming through the intercom. Someone turned on some old-time music (Pandora?) and they are piping it through the intercom system. Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstong, now Frank Sinatra is singing, "Just the way you look tonight." I might be annoyed any other day, but I love this type of music, the 40's/50's, big band type stuff - classic! To think I could be at work/home right now missing this! I love having unexpected experiences in familiar settings. I like a little extaordinary in an ordinary day.

The real reason I'm here is for the internet so I can update my financial aid for grad school (I just LOVE how that sounds!!) and check my emails. I do have some homework to do this week and I didn't want to go out of town or anything, so I think I will enjoy doing homework "at my own pace" and hopefully stay on top of things. I don't know how I did on my midterms (I still have one next week), so I am trying not to think about it, but it's hard!

More info

2011-03-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

I felt good about applying to Grad School and felt confident I was going to get in, but then the doubts came...

Especially when all the Audiology students were hearing back, but not the SLP students - granted, they have a different admission committee, but still.

Then I was talking to a friend who said they normally have about 60 people apply and admit about 25-30 people. Normally. Because of the economy, this year was different. They had about 187 applications!! 3 times the "normal" amount. I have not asked (nor do I want to) how many people they admitted. I'm guessing they admitted more than usual, but still! After thinking about it, I realized that I should be even more honored than I was at first. This was never a competition for me, but hearing that 187 people applied suddenly made me feel like it was. In any case, I am even more humbled that they accepted me and feel like this is definitely the right thing for me to be doing.

(Now if I could just lose like a hundred pounds, life would be REALLY awesome!!!)

I GOT IN!!!

2011-03-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note before I head off to my midterms...

I have been accepted into the Graduate School Program for Speech Communication Disorders (i.e., Speech-Langauge Pathology) for this Fall!!!

I can't express how excited I am. This feels like a miracle for me and I look back and see how I have had Heavenly Father's help through this process. I feel like this is a huge confirmation of where I am supposed to me and what I'm supposed to be doing.

Thanks to everyone for your encouragement and support - it has meant so much to me! Now if I can just get through these midterms....!!! Aaaagggghhhh!!!!

Update

2011-03-11T18:07:00.000-08:00

Today marks the third day in a weird mourning trifecta. It started with my Grandpa's passing and funeral, then my dad's birthday and today is the anniversary of his passing. It came quickly this year. I can't believe it's been four years already. I still remember everything like it was yesterday. It seems like so much has changed so quickly, until I realize that the only thing that has really changed is me.

I think I've grown up a lot in the last 4 years. I hope in ways that my dad would be proud of me. I've certainly taken some risks, especially going back to school, but I feel like that has all been a part of my growth as well.

I've learned a lot too. I don't know that I can put it all into words, so I won't attempt to, but I'm glad for what I've gone through these last 4 years. I really wouldn't trade it for anything.

I know I'm in the right place. I feel like I'm where I need to be. I miss my dad; I miss sharing with him the things I've learned and the ways I've grown, but I know that he knows all that. And I know he is in the right place; I know he's where he needs to be, I just sometimes wish that his "right place" was still here.

This past week...

2011-03-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

This past week has been a good week, but also a rough one. My grandpa's funeral was nice. It was great to see family that I hadn't seen for awhile; obviously, not the best circumstances, but still, it was good to see them.

It's annoying that life doesn't stop. Work is still there; school is still there; etc. Just life in general keeps going. I know that it isn't just my grandpa's passing that's hard. My dad has been on my mind a lot too. His birthday was Wednesday and the anniversary of his death is next Friday. I still miss him, but know he is near. I feel torn between being sad for relationships that ended too soon and also being... I don't know how to describe it... maybe "all mourned out" is the best way to say it.

I think I just need to plan to take some time to get away from everything. I don't know where or when, but I think if life isn't going to stop, then maybe I need to be the one to "stop."

My step-mom shared with us a gift that she was given by a lady in HR who had helped them quite a bit when my dad first got sick. My step-mom had commented that she was sad my dad would never get his well deserved retirement party, i.e., recognition for his 20+ years working for the church. Well, this thoughtful HR lady gave my step-mom a piece of granite from the original temple building site on temple square with a plaque on it honoring my dad for his service. It was a really nice gesture and very thoughtful. I'll have to get a picture of it.

Hope is elusive sometimes isn't it? Maybe I get so used to it at times that I misplace it without realizing; then I get doubtful. But that is part of the good news of the gospel, that hope is still there just waiting for me to remember it and pick it back up again. It comforts me each time. I wrote a poem during a hopeful moment when I was struggling with my dad's illness. I know I've posted it before, but the post was a little long so I'll just copy and paste it here again. (If you want to read the longer post, you can read it here.)

I really do have a lot to be thankful for...

Gratitude

We had time to talk,

to listen,

to understand,

We had time to laugh,

to wonder,

to explore,

We had time to reach out,

to heal,

to mend,

We had time to ponder,

to remember,

to learn,

We had time to live,

We had time to love,

and, in time...

We will have eternity.

Micah James Foster

For Robert Dennis Foster

Mar. 2, 1947 – Mar. 11, 2007

The lesson I'm learning

2011-02-26T14:28:00.000-08:00

I've had quite an unusual week this week. My emotions have been meandering through all sorts of territories, like a wild river with no sense of direction. I took some time to write in my journal this morning, which helped me see many blessings I hadn't noticed before. I've been trying to think of a way to describe how I feel and what I've learned and it's hard to put into words. What I did do, was think of an analogy, much like a parable, that comes close to what I've been going through this week.

"Once upon a time there was a man walking along a well-worn, albeit dusty, barren road. At length, he came upon a black stone in the road, small enough to fit in the palm of his hand. The stone stood out because of its remarkable blackness; it did not look like it belonged there. As he picked up the stone, he noticed immediately that it weighed more than it looked like it should. This caused him to inspect the stone in ernest. He discovered that the stone was not actually black, but it was coated with a layer of something black. It was a kind of dense, chalky ash that did not come off easily, but with expending some effort, it could be removed. He put the stone in his pocket and carried it home.

When he arrived home he endeavored to remove the outer layer so that he could reveal the real stone beneath. He rubbed it, wiped it, brushed it, even took it to a pail of water and scrubbed it. Little by little, the blackness wore away. When he finished, he was satisfied. He did not hold a stone, but an immense and precious diamond. He immeidately wondered how many people must have seen this same stone in the road and passed over it without a second thought because of its appearance? He held it up to the light and it was almost luminous. He took it out to his garden and placed it in an honored place among his most beautiful flowers. There it shone in the sun and by adding richness to his surroundings, gave him great happiness."

In my present circumstance I am the stone in this story. Sometimes the blackness is sorrow; sometimes it is suffering and pain; sometimes it is sin. But these things are not who I am underneath and I know that what I am going through is the process of being "rubbed clean." Yes, it hurts. Yes, it's painful, but it is also necessary. I can't remove the blackness on my own - it must be done by the Savior. But He does it because He knows what I am underneath. I know He wants me to be happy, but even more than being happy, He wants me to be better. He is helping me to become the man He knows I can be. I haven't yet caught that vision in full. I don't always know what I am worth, but I am learning to trust that he does.

Sad news...

2011-02-22T16:36:00.000-08:00

My grandfather passed away this morning. I am still in shock a little and shaken up, even though this was not unexpected. I am glad I had the chance to visit him when I did.

Apparently this last week had been very bad for him. He was in a lot of pain; he had a blood clot in his leg that the doctor's didn't believe was worth doing anything about. They ramped up his morphine and sent him home (that was Sunday). I guess his pain was pretty bad, even with the morphine. For that reason, I'm glad he is not in pain any longer. I am also glad that he did not have to linger in pain. That was one thing I was grateful for with my dad, that he went relatively quickly too.

I'm in a bit of a daze still and not sure what to do. I hate that life doesn't stop. I know that I need to find quiet time to ponder and pray, meditate and cry, or do whatever I need to do, but it's hard to find the time when other obligations come up. Some things don't wait and I just pray for strength to be sane and endure.

The anniversary of my dad's death is on the 11th of March. I usually feel some melancholy at this time of year; so maybe in a way it's good that these events are so close together - I can deal with it all at once. It's never easy, but the knowledge of where we go after this life comforts me and I have peace. I know that we are all in the Lord's hands and when he says it's our time to go, then it's the right time, because he is perfect and he knows perfectly when and where we are needed.

I learn a new word

2011-02-21T09:01:00.000-08:00

So here's the background:
My sister's b-day is today (happy birthday R.!) and she really, REALLY wanted us to watch a movie this weekend called Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I have to say, I thought it was pretty funny.

One of the best moments was learning a new word: Minger. I wasn't sure what it meant so I looked it up online. I have no idea of the etymology, but here's the definition I found that is my favorite:

Minger - (adj.) Someone who fell out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every branch on the way down!

You'd be surprised how hard it is to work this into a conversation appropriately... trust me, I've been trying!!

Great moment...

2011-02-20T14:11:00.000-08:00

So I've been watching Season 5 of Doctor Who, as you may have gathered from my previous post of yesterday! I think my favorite episode at the moment is Vincent and the Doctor. I put a clip below of the last few minutes of the episode.

Vincent Van Gogh had a bit of a crush on Amy Pond and she was hoping to make a difference in his life. Her unvoiced hope had been to encourage him enough not to take his own life so he could produce more art. I love this clip for the advice the Doctor gives Amy. It's a good message in general, but it was one I needed to be reminded of. Hope you like it too!

How cute is she?!?

2011-02-19T18:18:00.000-08:00

I usually have lots of fleeting crushes. Right now, it's Karen Gillan from Season 5 of Doctor Who...

Seriously, how cute is she?

My weekend

2011-02-15T13:22:00.000-08:00

I went to Idaho this weekend. It was kind of last minute, but it turned out to be a good time to go - the weather was wonderful over the weekend for a change!!! It was a good time to go, but it was a hard trip.

My grandpa has cancer. The doctors did not give him a life expectancy timeframe. They directed him to hospice. When my dad had cancer they only called hospice when they new he was at the end. So, even though the doctors did not give my grandpa a timeline, the implication was clear - he doesn't have much time left. One of the reasons they didn't give him a timeline, though, is because they said there was too much uncertainty; it could be a week, it could be a year - they just don't know.

So I went knowing it could be the last time I would see him. Watching a loved one go through cancer is hard enough, but there are other reasons why this is hard. My dad passed away on March 11, 2007, so naturally, this time of year is hard because it brings all those memories back. Also, my grandma has Alzheimers. She gets disoriented and not sure where anything is, her own home feels foreign to her. All she knows is that her husband is hurting and she can't do anything about it, so she just cries. That's really hard on my grandpa. She gets in these ruts of asking the same question over and over and it drives him crazy. He knows she can't help it, but it still wears on him.

He spoke in church on Sunday and announced to the ward what was going on; previously, no one knew. I appreciated his testimony of enduring to the end and he is a great example of faith.

I've had my share of therapy over the years and one of the things that has always been helpful for me has been to talk things out. But my relationship with my grandparents has waned over the the last many years where I do not feel comfortable talking about personal things; although I've wanted them to know how I feel. I wrote them a letter explaining what happened that caused me to distance myself from them and I hope they can at least be understanding of what I experienced. It wasn't as good as being able to talk, but it was a start and at the very least, they will know why I have been so distant; that I wasn't just ungrateful, but that I had a reason for it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on this monstrous test I have to take tomorrow! I was hoping to get caught up this weekend, but I can't study while traveling, so I am not ready for this test. I took the day off work today and I think I am making some headway, but I know it won't be enough. I am using this as a learning opportunity, however, and I see where I need to improve to be more diligent. Now I just need to prepare myself for the horrible grade I'm about to get on this test!!

Templates

2011-02-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

Well I did end up doing my taxes. And I get a refund, so that is nice! Only I was annoyed that I had to select the "wait for a check" option, because when I went to the library I hadn't "planned" on doing my taxes, so I didn't have my bank routing number and such. Lame. Another reason why I hate not having the internet at home, but in the end, it's saving me money and I can live with waiting a few weeks for my check.

Switching gears: You know how blogs have "templates" you can follow? Well, I have been thinking about templates in the mind. (Yes, I am nerdy enough to wonder about this on a regular day, but this thought also coincides with my Language Development class where we are talking about language as a construct of the mind vs. biological function, and how they influence each other, etc.) By template I mean the beliefs through which I navigate the world. Some people refer to this as a "belief window" or a "belief filter" all of which catch the essence of what I mean by a template. Anyway, what I've decided is that my template has been all wrong.

I won't go into all the reasons, but I have been approaching the world (and my relationships for the most part) with the belief that I am inadequate or inferior in some way; i.e., that I don't "measure up." Most of the problems I have in life, either stem from, or are connected to this belief. It makes sense that I would be afraid of a lot of things. It makes sense that I would hesitate to really pursue a better life for myself. It's because I've been working from this template of inferiority. In other words, I go out into the world saying I want validation, but even when I get it, it doesn't mean anything because I'm viewing it in a framework of not being good enough. Like why I have such a problem accepting compliments.

It's actually a relief to me to make this realization. I know I won't be able to change it overnight, but being aware means that I CAN change it. I really feel that this inspiration is a gift from my Heavenly Father. He knows how much I want to change and he knows how much I want to understand Agency this year. This is the perfect opportunity for me to do that; to use the agency he's given me to choose a different template. To decide that I am going to learn how to approach life with courage, rather than fear.

Now if I can just figure out how to change the template on my blog...

Attacks (of the Mundane and Peppers)

2011-02-05T12:39:00.000-08:00

I hate it when I don't have anything to do! Well, I guess that's not entirely accurate. I hate it when I have unstructured free time, wherein I have things that I can do, but nothing I HAVE to do. I have this thing where I feel like if I'm not multi-tasking, or at the very least, just being productive every second of every day, then I am lazy. I don't know where that started, but I want to be able to take a "day off" and be okay with that. I think balance in life is essential, I guess I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.

Today is a mundane day. I got done all of the things that I "had" to do and then looked at the clock: 11:30am. Which means I have basically a whole day to do whatever. AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!

I could have done my dishes, but they can wait. I could have vacuumed/swept/mopped... eh, that can wait too. I could have plopped down on the couch and zoned out watching a movie or read a book... eh, too lazy. I could have sat down and finally read my textbooks, i.e., do my homework... eh.

I decided to go to the library. Which is where I am right this second. I am downloading all the shows I missed this week and will probably break down and do my taxes here in a few minutes. Maybe then I'll think about doing my homework. Maybe.

Maybe it's because the day outside is cold and rainy. I really want pizza, but I am trying to do better at controlling what I eat. Which for me means NOT mindlessly shoving whatever's at hand into my face, or going out to get fast food because, again, I'm too lazy to fix something.

Funny story: So, a lot of people around me have either been sick, or talk about how their siblings/relatives are in some way deathly ill. I decided to alter my stew recipe and make one with some spicy kick to it to keep my immune system boosted. (It turned out to be more of a sauce than a stew, but that's not really the point here.) I was sauteeing some bell peppers and some jalapeno peppers. While I was chopping up some leeks and garlic I realized the heat was up too high and some of the peppers started burning. I dropped what I was doing, ran over and turned down the heat and added some more oil to the pan. Ultimately, I saved the stew, but..., BUT, my entire apartment smelled like burning peppers. I threw open all my windows (which is something I usually try to avoid in the dead o' winter) and turned the thermostat down to, like, 50. The cold air came on and started moving the "fumes" out. I say fumes because a moment or two later, I noticed that I kept dry-hacking and needed to drink a lot of water. I'm no "Mr. Wizard," but here's my theory: I'm guessing the capsaicin that gives peppers their "heat" doesn't really care if it's in solid, liquid or gas form. Furthermore, I'm also guessing that my lungs are not a fan of breathing in hot pepper smoke full of capsaisin. That's when I decided to leave my house*.

When I woke up this morning, I could still smell "roasted" peppers... I guess I'd rather smell jalapeno-y than get sick.

*My apologies to my neighbors, especially the ones living under me!!

School Update

2011-01-16T18:05:00.000-08:00

So I turned in my application last Monday for Grad School. I find out in a couple of months if I got in... I feel good about it and I don't want to jinx it, still, I decided my best position is to be cautiously optimistic.

My classes this semester are great! I am taking Hearing Disorders, Speech Science, and Language Development. The only downside is that they are back to back, which means I am in class for 5 hours straight!! I love school, but even I have my limits. Oh well, it's only 4 months, right? Anyway, the classes are great and I am one semester closer to reaching my goals. This means that if I get in to grad school, I start this Fall and in two years my life is different.

I can't tell you how happy I am! There are moments when I feel that I am a "late bloomer." All of the friends I grew up with are married with children and I sometimes wonder if I am just too far behind the curve. But I think of two things that bring me comfort: I am not the same man I was a few years ago, and the Lord knows me.

What I mean by that is that I have had some battles that have direcly affected my sense of identity. There are many things that the challenges I've had in life have taught me and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything. I used to be so afraid of everything. I used to have the worst self-esteem. But now I like myself. Now I can accept myself for who I am and I can "forgive" myself for not being perfect. I love who I am right now BECAUSE I'm a work in progress.

Also, I remember (and continue to learn) that the Lord knows me. He knows, not only what I need, but WHEN I need it. He is perfect, his plan is perfect and intervenes in my life perfectly. Because I know those things, I have confidence that I am exactly where I need to be. Late bloomer or not, I am doing the best I've ever done and I have the Lord to thank.

Grateful that Christmas was great!

2010-12-28T14:21:00.000-08:00

Hey all! I hope you all had a nice Christmas. Mine was fantastic! I loved all the gifts I received and I'm glad my family liked the gifts I gave them! (I'm STILL singing "Troy and Abed in the Moooorning!")

I was overwhelmed at the gifts I received actually. I felt like I received too much! It made me very grateful for how Heavenly Father has provided so many things to meet my needs, but also just to enjoy. I know He truly cares about my well-being AND my happiness.

I sometimes think that having no trials would make me really happy, and He wants me to be happy, right? So I can ask Him to remove all my trials, right? Because it will make me happy, right? Well, He's too smart for that obviously... and I think, ultimately, He will put my well-being above my happiness, for which I am grateful. I know that sounds contradictory, but what I mean is that, while I know that He wants me to be happy, he also wants me to be a better man and sometimes that means going through experiences that challenge my happiness. In other words, he asks me, "do you want to be happy or do you want to be better?" (Knowing full well that being better means future happiness.)

But maybe that's too black and white. Happiness is not only a gift of the spirit, or a reward for obedience, it is also a choice I get to make. Heavenly Father could provide me every material comfort available in the world (think indoor movie theater and towel warmers in the bathroom!), which SHOULD make me happy, but if I choose not to be, then I won't be. How many times have I heard stories of people who are dirt poor, but still the happiest people on earth? Too many to count. Why are they happy? Because they choose to be! That's something I will do better at this next year.

I have a lot to be grateful for: the right people in my life at the right times (including family and friends), the gospel and the church, material needs met, etc. I think this next year is going to be really fantastic, especially because I choose to make it that way!!

Christmas Testimony

2010-12-22T10:48:00.000-08:00

I posted this last year, so rather than reposting it, I'll just give you the link. I hope you enjoy it!

I love how the British express their Christmas sentiment, so I have adopted it for myself:

Happy Christmas!

Woohoo!!!

2010-12-22T10:29:00.001-08:00

I just got my grades for this semester and guess what? Straight A's!!!! I've never gotten straight A's in my life! I am so happy and, quite honestly, shocked!

It's a Christmas miracle...

The Vesuvius of core beliefs

2010-12-15T18:23:00.000-08:00

I am taking a break from studying for my anatomy final. I had three finals total to take, but I just took my second one today, so that just leaves my anatomy final on Friday. I am glad they were spread out. I've not been taking care of myself lately and I've had a hard time dealing with that and tyring to study; mostly the effects from not eating the best foods. I realize now that I was more stressed out than I thought and I didn't really do anything to manage the additional stress.

On top of finals, I have been trying to get all the materials together for my Grad School application. Bad timing, but I needed to get all my stuff together so that I could share it with my professors, of whom I'm asking for letters of recommendation. I need to ask them now so that they have the Christmas break to write those letters and so that they remember me. I submitted my application to the graduate school and once I have this semester's grades, I can apply to the department. On the plus side, I now have all my materials so I can submit everything once grades come out and I won't have to wait to apply - the deadline is by Feb 1st, but I don't want to procrastinate.

Since I haven't felt well (anxiety and depression) I've not been motivated to study and today was a close call. The test turned out to be easier than I thought it would, but I also know it was the worst I've done on a test. Anyway, the take home message for me was that I put off way to long what I should have done sooner. I really could have studied more, but I was more interested in eating and watching TV (which is how I avoid life usually).

I realized that part of the reason I am so stressed out is because I feel threatened. It's the fight or flight response kicking in and since I have nothing to fight, I "flight." Why should I feel threatened though? Well, I guess I feel threatened in the weight of decisions I am making about my future clashing with beliefs I have about myself. What do I mean by that? So here I am choosing to change careers, enroll in school, reduce my work schedule (and income) to practically nothing, feeling like my future and the rest of my life depend on these decisions, which is weighty enough as it is, then add to that feelings of inadequacy and feeling like I've always been a disappointment, or that I will fail in the crucial moments. It is a fact that I do have a history of failing and of disappointing people, including myself.

But choosing to go back to school and change careers is also choosing to believe that I can be different, that I can succeed. These two opposing beliefs are coming to a head at this point in my life and it's overwhelming to know what to do. It kind of feels like I was on the fault line of two continents that smashed together, expelling me into the air (like a volcano) and now I don't know where I'm going to land. So, no wonder I feel "threatened" and want to run away.

It's so strange to me to feel the battle going on inside between what I "know" and what I "feel." I want these things to match and I'm not quite sure how to do that. I want to know, logically, that I have worth AND feel that I have worth. I want to know that I can do hard things AND feel like I can do hard things. Right now I don't feel my own worth and I don't feel I can do hard things. Logically, I "know" that's not right, but I don't "feel" it. I suppose, trying to infuse some positivity here, that it is progress to at least be able to say that I know that I do have worth and that doing hard things is possible. There was a time when I didn't even believe that much about myself.

Much like a volcano that quiets after it releases magma, I'm hoping that developing some new beliefs about myself will help quiet the turmoil I've been experiencing as a result of my own dysfunctional behavior. I know my behavior will change when my beliefs change and that's something I need help with. I know that I have a Father in Heaven who will help me, but it takes time and I'm impatient. I always want the easy way out and I don't think this has an easy solution. But I know it has a solution and I pray that I will work it out soon!

I'm still here...

2010-11-29T16:33:00.000-08:00

I am torn between loving and hating not having an internet connection at home. I love it because it means I have money for food and I hate it because, let's face it, I'm a big fan of instant gratification. I hate that I can't see what time a movie is playing, but then I remember that I don't have money for that kind of thing and then I'm grateful I don't have to be tempted to buy tickets because I don't have the internet. I hate that I can't watch my favorite shows/movies online anymore. I have to "borrow" them when I am at the library or anywhere else I can get a free connection. Then I remember that school is my first priority and I don't really have time to watch tv anyway, so I am grateful I don't have the internet at home. You see what I mean?

The other downside is that I don't get to blog as much either and that is sad for me. It's proven to be a good outlet for me so I miss being able to do it whenever I can get a second to organize my thoughts.

Just know that I am still here. School is going really, really well, although it is overwhelming and stressful at times. Work is okay, I struggle with my midget paycheck, but I am grateful to have a job and a paycheck at all. I have not yet learned how to be patient.I am still trying to practice lessons the Lord has helped me to learn. I still have moments of doubt that I'm doing the right thing or that I am up to the task ahead of me. Can I really learn what I need to learn to be successful in the career I've chosen? I'm still trying to accept that some dreams have to take a back seat and that the sacrifices I'm making now will be worth it and will set a foundation for a better life.

Overall, I'm happy. I am learning to take the good with the bad and now I'm trying to ignore the "Facts of Life" theme song that just popped into my head....

I hope to blog about my Thanksgiving, which was both the best and the not so best I've ever had. I think the appropriate term is bitter sweet. But that will have to wait another day. I have a report to write and procrastinating isn't making it any easier!!

The way I see myself

2010-10-30T16:18:00.000-07:00

I was right - time IS flying by! It doesn't help that I no longer have an internet connection at home and can't blog as often as I would like to!

The last few weeks (and month, really) have been quite a roller coaster for me. Lots of ups and downs. I know life is supposed to be like that, but it's less fun when the highs and lows come closer together.

I think I've learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks. I feel like the image of who I am in my mind is becoming clearer. It kind of feels like my whole life I only ever saw representations of me, as if I had only seen myself as drawn by someone else. Have you ever tried to draw a self portrait? It's harder than you think! I have a self-portrait that I can tell it's me, but then again it's not an accurate reflection of what I actually look like. Oh, here it is...

(I went for a "neutral" pose here, and I think it's significant and maybe a little "freudian" that it came out looking so sad...)

I have thought a lot about what it means to be "me" over the last few weeks. The thing is, I don't know that I've ever been clear about who I am because of the way I've treated myself and, to a certain extent, the way I've let others treat me.

Sure, I could go on an on about how there were emotional messages I never got as a child, and that I never really believed I was important or of value to anyone, consequently, I treated myself as unimportant and without value and found that the world only reflected back to me what I already felt was true about myself. (Turns out I was wrong; that's a hard place to go to FYI!)

The irony is, the more I try to "find" myself, the more I feel the Spirit telling me that my journey isn't about self-discovery, nearly as much as self-creation. In other words, I shouldn't be asking, "who am I," but asking, "who do I want to become?" It isn't that I've somehow fallen out of alignment with myself, even though I do sometimes feel like I'm walking through life as a blurry image at times, but it's that I never realized that I get to decide who I am. If I don't like something about myself, I get to change it. It's pretty simple, but very powerful for someone like me who has felt so helpless all my life. I guess I'm done playing the victim and ready to take responsibility for myself and trying to learn how to accept the good and the bad.

I know we are all children of God and I know that we all have unique personalities and traits that we brought with us because they are a part of our spirits and a part of who we are, but I don't think Heavenly Father sent us to earth simply to uncover the things that make us who we are. I think He sent us here to build ourselves into something better.

Unlike the Hindu god Brahma, who sits back and simply observes that which he created, I think Heavenly Father never stops being a God of Creation and not only in the material sense. Sure, worlds are always being created and formed, but I think He is helping us as individuals to be created into something new (see 2 Corinthians 5:17), a new creature (John 3:1-8).

It's almost funny to me how, after making this revelation, I immediately feel the influence of the adversary, as subtle as my own thoughts, reminding me of who I was and fearing that I will never be able to change. It's true, I do look at my past and see a history of failures which makes me wonder if I can do anything other than fail or make wrong choices. But then another voice says that for every time I failed I got back up. That may not sound like much, but for someone who has been into "suicidal" territory, it's pretty major. Yes, life has beaten me down. Yes, life has given me hardships and an overwhelming load to bear. But "life" has also given me a Savior. He makes new life possible. He makes it possible for me to create myself into something new.

This is all very new territory for me. I'm entering a phase in my life that I've never been to. The scenery is unfamiliar and I don't know how I'm going to find my way. I may stumble and will often want to go back to the "comfort and security" of who I was, even if it means getting back into negative self-talk and depression. But I have to believe that this road is the right one. I think I'm going to like what I find in this new place and I'm sure the views will be worth the climb.

Incidentally, I want to send a big THANK YOU to everyone who has ever supported me to any degree. It is so important to value and praise each other, but it's just as important to accept it. I know that I may have offended some, who, when trying to offer a compliment, I disputed it and whether I vocalized it or not, I found various reasons as to why they were wrong. As much as I thought I needed that external validation, what I really needed was internal validation.

I never learned how to tell myself that I am ok. I craved attention and wanted the world to see that I am important, but then when I did get any measure of praise or compliment, I discounted it because it didn't match the picture of who I thought I was. I didn't feel deserving of it and so, I didn't accept it. How may people out there think they need the world to validate them, but when they are praised it doesn't mean anything because really what they need is to accept themselves. That to me is the definition of despair, thinking you need something from the world and not realizing that you have the power to get it from within. I suppose in some weird "coping mechanism" way I felt that if I could convince the world that I was worth something, then that would in turn convince me that I was worth something.

I can tell you right now that self-esteem doesn't work that way! I have to decide that I'm worth something and be okay with who I am. That is a struggle for me - it doesn't come naturally. I've noticed a pattern in my life: I feel disatisfied with something > I struggle to understand it > I learn a lesson > I have to practice the lesson. The hardest part for me is practicing the lessons!

So thank you to everyone who believed in me. Thank you for trying to tell me that you saw more to me than I saw in myself. I hope it's possible to click "publish post" and have this message transcend time and space to reach all those who have been an influence for good for me. I can only hope that one day, I might be able to return the favor.

Update

2010-10-06T14:24:00.000-07:00

October is here and I know the rest of the year is now going to fly by! I'm looking forward to the holidays though. Mostly, I just want to survive my classes. They are hard, but I also love what I'm learning and I love what I'm doing. I know I'm in the right place for me right now and that gives me peace.

I loved GenCon 180* by the way; I don't know if I'll have time to post about some of what I learned, but the whole conference was awesome! I LOVE Saturday morning sessions! I don't know what it is, but I think some of the best talks come out of that session.

One thing I will say, I have a renewed testimony of prayers being answered. I had a couple (and by a couple I mean many) questions I was hoping to have answered and while I can't say that each question was answered as directly as I would like, I know that the answers are there. I decided that I would put a star next to the names of the speakers in my notes that I felt were speaking to my specific questions and I ended up starring over half the talks.

Heavenly Father let me know that the answers are there and, in a weird way, I'm glad the answers aren't as deliniated as I'd hoped; I guess what I'm saying is, I'm grateful that He's making me work for finding those answers. I know He doesn't want to make things hard, but He wants me to appreciate the lessons I have to learn and I always appreciate the things I have to work for. For the moment it was confirmation enough that the answers are there and now I just need to seek them out.

Except, when do I have time to search, ponder, and pray?!?! Ugh! I am buried in school work and I have a major test tomorrow that I know I'm not ready for. I guess I have to remember to take things one day at a time and deal with what I CAN do, rather than worry about what I can't control. That's a hard lesson for me to learn.

One thing that I've come to know is important to finding balance, is boundaries. Have you ever had a relationship that, while not necessarily outright destructive, was maybe just subtly corrosive? I have. It's not easy putting up the boundary that says, "I can't let you hurt me anymore," when the other person is not cognizant of what they're doing. But I had to do that recently and it's strange, because it doesn't necessarily make me happy, BUT, I have to admit that when I did I felt an amazing sense of freedom and a weight being lifted. I felt freer, and that to me is an indication that I did the right thing. I hope things change in the future, but for the moment, I know it was the right thing to do. I just hope the other person realizes that I still love them, but I can't "love" people at the cost of my own well being.

*GenCon 180 is the 180th session of General Conference!

Seasons

2010-09-15T17:12:00.000-07:00

Where does the time go? Seriously, Fall is just around the corner and then 2010 will be gone. 2010!!! I still remember people freaking out over Y2K like it was yesterday! I have to say, that I wish I lived somewhere that had Spring for 6 months, then Fall for 6 months. I love both those season's the most and I am really looking forward to Fall. True, I'll miss most of it being in school, but I'll enjoy walking around campus when the leaves start changing colors (some have already up in the mountains!).

Why am I thinking about Fall? Because I am at the Library and I am supposed to be studying for a huge test tomorrow. I am overwhelmed at what I don't know, so I am avoiding it. Not a good strategy... okay, back to the books!!

p.s. wish me luck tomorrow!

I little note about friends

2010-09-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

I took a break from studying today and spent some time catching up on people's blogs. First, of all, I don't keep in touch with people nearly as much as I ought to (I didn't say "should!"). Second, I think I have some of the best friends ever. I'm sure everyone feels that way about their friends, which is good. But I just wanted to go "on record" as saying that I think I have the BEST friends ever!

I think my friends are the kind of people who make you feel like you want to be a better person just by being around them. I need those kind of people and I feel pretty lucky to have that! I hope I can be that kind of friend in return.

School update

2010-09-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

So, I love my classes! They are somewhat technical, things like phonetics and anatomy, but I LOVE learning about this stuff!! I know I am doing the right thing.

Sometimes, I still get scared though and think, is this really gonna work out? There is so much uncertainty still regarding my work schedule and, consequently, monetary implications. I go back and forth between worry and peace. I worry that I am doing the wrong thing or not doing enough. Then I sit back and realize that so much of what I've been through this last year has been guided by the Lord. So I know he's in charge and I know if I just trust him, and not get in his way, it will all work out. But it's SO not in my nature to just sit back and wait. I am way to much of a control freak - I hate uncertainty and I hate feeling like I'm doing nothing when there's so much I SHOULD be doing.

I also hate the word "should." It has the potential to carry so many negative connotations. If there is someting I "should" be doing, but don't, then I condemn myself for failing, i.e., I label myself a failure. (Yes, I am extremely hard on myself!) The thing is, I'm afraid that if I'm not hard on myself, then I'll get lazy or complacent somehow and that negative pressure is the only thing that's ever worked to motivate me to get anything done. But the older I get, the more I realize that the price I pay for that, the self-deprecation, is a bit too high in the long run and probably not worth the cost.

But change is hard. And takes faith. Which, ultimately, is a good thing. I know this is just another opportunity to stop worrying about what I should be doing, and stop agonizing about what I'm not doing, and focus on what I can do. I've never been good at functioning within my sphere of control, I'm usually focusing on my limits (or even what's outside my limits). I suppose feeling powerless can be fairly common, which is probably why the concept of focusing on what can be controlled is part of the twelve-step process.

So I don't know what my future holds, but for the moment, I think I'm in just the right place. I am happy in school and feel like that is as much a confirmation as anything else that I'm doing what I "should" be doing.

Family Reunion

2010-08-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

My textbooks came in the mail on Saturday!! Whoohoo!!! It made school feel that much more real. I was so excited I started reading them right away!! I'm such a nerd.

Saturday was a fun day for a lot of reasons. It was our family reunion and we went to Lagoon. I have so many un-fond memories of Lagoon that I was having a hard time going; but my desire to see my cousins won out. Thank goodness. I wasn't there for very long, but it was great getting together and seeing how everybody was doing. It was strange, but I had a moment of "connectedness" that I didn't expect. I don't know that I can really describe it better than that; but it was something like feeling I was part of something. It was a good feeling and I am glad to have the family I have. Each in their own way are special, and I love all of them!

It was also an opportunity to let go of something. I gave all the lapidary* stuff I had from dad and grandpa, to my cousin Cam. I was holding on to it because of the memories I had being with dad and grandpa, rock hunting, metal detecting, panning for gold, etc. I imagined that as soon as I got into my own house, I would set up a "rock" shop and start cutting and polishing rocks. But over the last few months, I've realized that that idea was built more out of a nostalgic longing, than an actual plan. My intent was to hold on to something and the physical materials made it seem more real, but I had to ask myself, what am I really holding on to? I was holding on to memories, memories of being with my dad and enjoying his company and, if I might indulge my recollections, feeling like he enjoyed my company too.

I miss him. I think I'm having a harder time than I've been willing to acknowledge to myself lately. Especially now that school is starting. He always gave me a blessing before starting school. Oh, I know there a number of people around me who would give me a blessing if I asked, but it isn't the same. I'm reminded of part of my remarks at my friend Kim's funeral, I talked about how you don't lose someone just once, but that you lose them over and over. When you walk into their room, hear a song that reminds you of them, etc., you feel like you lose them again. Even after three years I still feel that, especially with school starting. Somethings are different though. As I said in my talk, with the help of time passing, I don't see all the ways I've lost him, but all the ways he is with me. That is a comfort and I think why I felt that "connection" at the family reunion. It reminded me that we are sealed to each other through Priesthood and Temple ordinances and no power on earth can divide that. We will be together again and I long for that day to arrive.

In the meantime, I'm trying to be realistic about what I hold on to. Hence, the giving away of the lapidary supplies. I know they mean a lot to Cam too, and I'm glad that they are going to someone who will use them, love using them, and hopefully, keeps that connection alive and well.

Thanks to everyone who came to the family reunion, it was great seeing you all and I love you!!

*Lapidary for the uninitiated is a fancy word that means rock cutting.

The Blessed Shopper

2010-08-05T17:48:00.000-07:00

I've never revealed this to anyone, but I have a tendency to be a bit of a "lucky leprechaun" when I shop. Things like finding the exact item I want is on sale when none of the other similar products are; or it's common for me to find the LAST item in stock; the list goes on.

Anyway, last night was a bit of a doozy! So, I went to a podiatrist and she said I HAD to buy new shoes (I know, quell disappointment, no?) and some orthotic inserts. I went to REI and I thought I had what I needed, but just before I was about to leave the sales guy (who had been helping someone else) came over and asked if I found what I needed. After talking with him, it turned out, I hadn't. This guy knew everything and he was awesome! Needless to say, he helped me find exactly what I needed and I've had the best day on my feet today EVER! Thank you REI Dave!

I know what you're thinking, that's not such a big deal, that was his job. But, wait! It gets even better. I went over to Dillard's (again, my podiatrist said so) to find some shoes and she even gave me some specific brands to look for. I love shoes*. The lady in the shoe department seemed annoyed with me at first, because she kept asking if I needed help and I said I was "just looking." She finally got the message and would just waft by occasionally to check on me. I try to be really nice to sales people, they have hard jobs and they deal with mean people a lot, so I always try to feel out how jovial I can be with someone; sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. This time, it worked. So I started trying on some shoes and also tried to be happy with her and be slightly sarcastic (which I do REALLY well!) and she seemed to relax a little. I'll jump to the end: I ended up buying two pairs of shoes, for which she gave me two or three discounts, then gave me a bottle of Calvin Klein's Eternity for Men (not a sample, a whole freaking $100 size bottle!) for free, and two sketchers baseball caps (Mishka was with me), which were really nice! I was shocked! I actually gave her a hug and she said not to tell her husband! wink, wink!! :) Needless to say, she warmed up to me and even the manager came over and joined in on a couple of laughs. Talk about a "Lucky" shopping trip! I found the best shoes ever, and got tons of free stuff thrown at me!

In all reality, what it boils down to, ISN'T luck. It was being friendly to someone who had a long day. As we were getting ready to leave, the manager, who saw this lady giving me all this free stuff said, "it's nice to help people who are happy." Ultimately, it isn't all the free stuff that makes me feel good, it's knowing that I really made a difference in someone's day, just by being kind to them. My motivation was just to see her smile and I think that's why she gave me that stuff, she knew I was genuine and that I wasn't "angling" for anything. I remember when she gave me the cologne, and I asked her why, she said, in her thick Asian accent, "you're a good guy."

How cool is that? Maybe it's just my luck!

*I love shoes because I'm fat. i.e., unlike clothes, which never fit, I can always find shoes that fit, so I developed a taste for shoe shopping...

Now that's a bad day!

2010-07-31T10:51:00.000-07:00

I just LOVE ths picture, it makes me laugh EVERY time I see it!!!

Lately, it serves as two reminders: 1) No matter how bad I think my day is, someone out there is having a worse one; and 2) Even a bad day can end up being a good laugh.

Not that my days have been terrible, or anything. I AM having a hard time at work; that's no secret though. I have a great job and the money is good, but I am reaching a point in my life where I feel the need to contribute. I want to feel that someone else's life was just a little better today because I was there and I was their friend. Not that I need any recognition; I just need to feel like I was useful to someone. That's what makes me feel important and worthwhile. My job doesn't give me that. I know that any condition we're in is only temporary. My sister's quote on her blog from Robert Frost is timely for me as well. He said, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

I love that reminder because it IS hard to remember. I recently gave a lesson in Elder's Quorum about the storms of life and how they can "cloud" our perspective because they are all we see, and so often it's hard to see past the boistrous winds and waves, and we become overwhelmed and afraid. I should say, "I become overwhelmed and afraid...," because I can't speak for anyone else. That's just been my experience. But life goes on. the storms pass. (The point of my lesson was that the Savior is our Rock in those times and he has the power to calm ALL storms, the natural, as well as emotional, storms of life.)

That's why I am looking forward to school so much. I have no illusions that it will be easy. I know working full-time and going to school full-time is going to wear on me, but I am excited because I know that this profession (Speech Language Pathology) is a step toward living a life of purpose.

My challenge now is to be patient. I don't do that well. I know, like any skill, it takes practice and I am grateful that I see this time in my life as an opportunity to improve that skill. It helps me realize that my Father in Heaven is not so concerned with my happiness that he won't allow me the growth that comes from trials. Let me say that another way, more than he wants me to be happy, he wants me to be better. With faith, trials make us better; with fear, trials make us bitter. Sometimes it's a fine line, but most of the time it's really just a choice.

Ughh! I SO hate taking responsibility for myself!! That, like patience, is also something I am not naturally inclined to. I've spent so much of my life blaming other people and circumstances for my unhappiness, that I have a "natural" tendancy to point the finger at anything and everyone but me. The last couple of years, however, have taught me that it's time to stop blaming everyone else and start being accountable for my own choices. It's amazing, but when I do, I feel free. I guess I would have thought that finally admitting that I am to blame for many of the bad things that have happened to me would have overwhelmed me with guilt and regret, and to a certain extent I do feel that at times, but, unexpectedly, I sometimes receive the same miracle that the Savior's disciples received (Matthew 8:26):

"Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm."

Now that's a good day!

2010-07-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

At work we've been reading a book called "How Full is your Bucket" and as a project we've been filling people's bucket - kind of like a secret santa - with encouragement, praise, etc.

Anyway, I went to a meeting and when I came back to my cubicle I had paper posted all over the place. They were notes from my co-workers with compliments for and about me. It was very touching and I really needed it. I've been having a hard time at work lately and it was humbling to feel like I'm making a difference, or at the very least, having a positive impact on others.

I gathered up the strips and put them behind my computer where I can see them...

It made my day and will probably be one of the best surprises I've ever had!! Thank you Jennie!!! (My secret santa bucket filler!)

A particular kind of music

2010-07-01T19:16:00.000-07:00

So, I really do like all kinds of music (except country music, which is an oxymoron!). But occasionally, when I'm feeling sombre or melancholy, I like music that is soft and makes me feel like I'm floating. I don't know why it's so comforting, or soothing, but I sometimes really need it to de-stress.

I recently came across one such song on the soundtrack to the movie Corpse Bride. I have always liked this movie, and the score, but there was one song that really seemed to match my need for calmness. I played this song over and over for a couple of days. I guess I'm totally stupid, because I just now realized that my need to comfort has of course been influenced by the difficulties of the past week with my friend passing away and reliving some things from my past.

In any case, I was pondering why this music was so touching to me and why I was so affected by it. And then, more slowly than suddenly, I realized what it is. It captures the sweetness of time passing. I'm usually in a rush to get things done, I never seem to have the time to do all the things that need to get done in a day. But listening to that song, and others like it, reminds me to slow down and appreciate the things that can't be rushed.

I feel a little emabarassed to admit this, but I woke up this morning far too early and I couldn't get that phrase "time passing sweetly" out of my head, so I went to my computer and wrote down my thoughts. It turns out, I wrote it in poem form. I wanted to share it here, but I'm not a poet, so I'm a little embarassed at how juvenile it must sound (I give you permission to make fun of me!). But in any case, I hope it serves me as a reminder that some things cannot be rushed, and it's okay to slow down and appreciate them. And fortunately, I have great music to help me do that.

Time Passing Sweetly

There’s always so much to do.
Each day is filled with things to be done,
Rushing from one task to another;
Because,
After all,
There’s only so much time in a day.

But there are moments in life
Where time is not measured by the quantity of accomplishments.

These are moments of time passing sweetly.

Have you ever been alone in the woods and listened?
Somehow, beneath the birds chirping,
Beyond the insects buzzing,
Past the wind sighing,
You can almost feel the trees growing;
There, time passes sweetly.

Have you ever sat and watched a day end?
To see the sun slowly descend,
To see the rays of light cast a golden glow through the air,
To see the clouds washed with color,
To see the sky darken into the solitude of night;
That is time passing sweetly.

And there are other evidences of time passing sweetly.

In the thin, sometimes fluffy, white hair,
In the wrinkles and lines of age,
In the stooped shoulders that have borne so many burdens,
In the step, not quite as sure as it used to be,
In the hands, bent and misshapen, but with the warmest touch,
I see time passing sweetly.

And one day,
Our hearts will be mended.
All our cuts, bruises, scars, and deformities will be healed;
Where we are in pain, where we are damaged and broken,
All will be repaired.
But,
Most thankfully,
Our hearts will be mended;
As time passes sweetly.

This is the comfort in the promise of Eternity;
Time passing sweetly.

Tragedy in the Holladay 29th Ward

2010-06-27T07:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I've ever said how much I love my single's ward. But I love it. Alot. I have seen the 29th ward go through some pretty significant changes over the past 10 years that I've been in it. While it is always changing, the one thing that hasn't changed is how I feel when I'm there. The ward is not just a ward to me, but a family. I love everyone there, even if I don't know them that well.

Such is the case with Kim and Joe. Kim Evans and Joe Clark are in our ward family and our hearts go out to them, and especially Kim's family. For those of you who may not know, yesterday (Saturday June 26th) Joe and Kim were hiking when they fell into a river and Kim was swept away over a waterfall (Bell's Canyon). Joe was rescued and lifeflighted to Intermountain Medical Center. He's not as injured as news reports indicated, but I can't imagine what he's feeling. He remembers everything that happened. Kim has yet to be found. They called off the search yesterday, when it became too dark, but they are resuming again this morning. I haven't heard anything yet, but I do know that late afternoon yesterday rescuers told the family that they were not hopeful they could find her alive. It is a recovery effort, not a rescue effort, at this point.

I still pray for a miracle. I know that my Heavenly Father is a God of Miracles, but I also know that he holds all life in his hands. When all else fails to help us understand his will, it is essential that we accept it. Isaiah 55:8-9 says that his ways are higher than our ways, his thoughts higher than our thoughts. That gives me hope that he knows what he's doing and I trust him. It's hard to lose a member of my ward family and it brings back a lot of painful memories of when my own father passed away. But along with the pain, there is peace. I also remember the things I have learned as a result of losing a loved one and going through such a difficult experience.

I know that God lives. I know that He loves all of His children. I know that in His desire to have us come home to Him, He provided a Savior, who is Jesus Christ. I know that the Savior suffered the bitterest agonies of our pains, our losses, and our sins, so that we might not have to suffer. It's okay to feel pain, to feel loss and sorrow, but suffering is not necessary. I know that because He died and was resurrected that all of God's children born to this earth will be resurrected. These gifts, of which I can only barely begin to comprehend, allow us to return to the presence of our Father. Only because of the Savior are we allowed the opportunity to return to His presence, and our choices in this life determine whether or not we stay in His presence. If Kim has not survived this fall, I know that she will definitely be going home to stay.

Modem fail

2010-06-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

My modem was dropping my internet connection, like, literally, every 5 minutes. I finally called and they said they would send me a new one in two business days. I got it and set it up and it seems to be working great.

It was only two business days and I thought I was going to die. I can't believe that I need the internet SO MUCH that it would elicit such a strong feeling of desperation and anxiety. The thing is, I really enjoy non-electronic forms of diversion, such as walking, hiking, writing, painting, cooking, reading, etc. that I really shouldn't feel DEPENDENT on having the internet.

But I do - the internet is my source of information. If I have a question, I don't think about going to the library, or looking in the phone book (I can't even believe they still make them...), or whatever. My information trifecta is Google, Wikipedia, and IMDb (pretty much in that order). And I do place a lot of value on electronic entertainment, movies and music mostly, which I need the internet for. I guess I'm a sucker. I want to have a simpler life that is NOT dependent on electronics, but I get sucked in by it's accessability and reliability (when my modem is working) and that fact that it's available 24/7.

I think we're pretty spoiled, actually, to have this much technology and while it promotes connecting people over long-distances, it can also alienate close-distance relationships as well. Double-edged sword, I guess.

Anyway, my point is, I'm glad to have a working modem again!

Some pics

2010-06-19T00:38:00.000-07:00

I finally got around to sorting through some photos I've taken recently. Here are a few.

My sister likes Orange flowers and I don't know how often she runs across them in China, so I bought some and took some pictures of them for her.

This is the elusive K. This is how she looks about 82.5% of the times I've seen her. I made her put "cami" away for Hometeaching: Dancing Edition...

My friend Kat and I went to Donut Falls up Big Cottonwood Canyon. It was still pretty, in spite of the sleet coming down.

These were on the trail. I love Aspens!

From far away it looks like she's anxious to leave (something to do with the freak hale storm, maybe?)

But if you look closely, you can see she's smiling...

There are a few things that never seem to turn out in photos the way they look in real life. I tried anyway.

I loved that you could see the whole moon sort of "backlit." It's much more striking in real life!

I love storms! I was at my mom's house in Lehi as this storm was going by. I went outside, like I usually do in severe weather and was rewarded with this view of a rainbow:

A week or so ago there was a sunset that made the sky look like it was on fire. Unfortunately, I was driving and not able to take any pictures until it had almost faded completely. When I was finally able to park and get out my camera, this is what I got. Not as intense as it was a few minutes before, but still pretty I think.

I'm still working on sorting through the 400+ photos I took on my Memorial Day trip to Manila, so stay tuned - more to come...

The status is totally quo

2010-06-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, time flies. I didn't realize I hadn't posted for so long. Sorry peeps. I've been pretty good lately. I am looking forward more and more to school starting in the Fall. Still not really sure what's gonna happen with my school/work schedule, but I'm sure the Lord will help me work it out.

I am excited for our ward's art show tomorrow. I've got a few pieces I'm going to show and I'm really excited to see what other people have done, as well as get ideas for new projects. I've been working on one for a co-worker (that's 2 now! soon I may have to start charging!), and I love how it's turning out. It's really hard to let it go, but I just hope she likes it! I'll find out Thursday!! If I remember I'll try to take a picture of it and post it here.

Changing gears: I've been sore for the last month - from exercise. I'm not complaining; it's a weird kind of soreness that also feels good. I don't know that I've ever experienced that before. Having SelectHealth's gym nearby has been a huge blessing for me. For one, it's not THAT busy, so I don't feel self-conscious and two, because it's been convenient, it's been easier for me to work out more consistently. I'm definitely feeling the difference and I love it!

I still have to be pretty careful on my diet. "Beware the Carb Monster!" That's what I need to say to people when I eat carbs... they makes me turn into a jerk. Somedays its not that much of a stretch, other days it's like Jekyll and Hyde-ish. Sugar makes me crazy - I think I've said this before. Starchy carbs make me depressed. The problem is they taste so freaking good!!

Losing weight feels good and is gratifying, but it's not nearly as immediate as donut gratification, my difficulty is to maintain perspective and I have to keep asking myself, "is eating that (fill in the blank) going to help me achieve my goal?" and that helps.

Anyway, life is good. There is a lot of happiness to be had and good people to share fun times with, so all in all, I'm pretty happy at the moment.

Thoughts

2010-05-25T15:26:00.000-07:00

I guess I don't post consistently. I have surges of frequent posting and then nothing, for weeks. I guess that is a lot like how I approach life, I get excited about something and go gung ho at it, and then the excitment wears off and I kind of drift on until I find the next thing to be excited about.

That's maybe where TV and movies come in. Movies and TV are excitement and diversion, without all the effort. I've known I'm lazy for awhile, so this doesn't surprise me. They are a good filler for when not much is happening. Speaking of TV...

I loved the end of LOST; I should say, I love how LOST ended. Who knew a sci-fi time traveling trippy series would have been so much about faith? I love that twist and I'm glad the producers/writers/actors stayed true to it throughout the last 6 years.

For me, Fringe is the new LOST. I love that show - it's still weird and sci-fi, but so much about the characters and what they deal with emotionally, that it feels like there's a real (almost) spiritual element to it. Just a great show!

Anyway, I'm just biding my time until Fall, when I start school. I have doubts as to whether or not my work will be able to accommodate my schedule, but I guess I shouldn't really worry about it. I know it will all work out the way it's supposed to.

Life takes faith and I need more practice.

I was thinking the other day how much our success in this life depends on Acceptance. I guess I mean all kinds of acceptance: accepting yourself, accepting others for who they are, accepting lifes up and downs, accepting all the things that have happened in our lives - the good and the bad, etc. I am not very good at it, but fortunately life affords much opportunity for practice.

I guess I haven't blogged too much because a lot of my time has been spent doing some introspection and learning lessons, mostly too personal to blog about. That's a good thing; the trials I am going through are teaching me a lot about myself and, little by little, I am learning to accept all that has happened, and is happening, to me.

Past life....

2010-05-02T16:11:00.000-07:00

This is me circa 1958. I was known by the name Gerald Timothy. I'm not sure what look I was going for here... something between Colonel Sanders and Andy Griffith. The real tragedy here is having two first names for my full name and that the first one had to be "Gerald." Not an easy life, I'm telling you!

When white elephants are a sign

2010-04-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

For some reason Elder Hales' message about self-acceptance has corresponded with quite a few messages about, and even relates to, me and dating. Dating and I have quite a history (I onced crashed a formal dance with 3 girls AT THE SAME TIME!! Yes, I've lived and I have a past NONE of you know about, which is SO another blog...). Anyway, currently, dating and I "are in a fight." We don't speak, nor have anything to do with each other. It's worked out for both of us that way for quite some time, but Elder Hales' visit and a few other messages, seem to be encouraging dating and I to "kiss and make up," so to speak. (By the way, the fact that I chose dating as a euphemism for dating either means I'm totally brilliant and witty, or I'm psychotic - it's a fine line. I'm just going to settle for "somewhat clever.")

Really what I'm building up to is the fact that something happened today that made realize that all the messages are probably NOT coincidence, and I've been trying VERY hard to keep these events in the "coincidental" category... until I won these today as a white elephant gift....

Now, if you think they are red plastic champagne flutes with hearts attached to the stem, you are totally, 100% correct. I know what you're thinking, "Those are smashing!" Okay, unless your british, you probably weren't thinking that. What I was thinking after I unwrapped them was, "Oh crap!" (well, that and "Best. White. Elephant. Gift. Ever.")

I think the only thing left is for me to get hit over the head with a stick to realize that dating and I are courting again... now the only problem left... who do I ask out? Is there a white elephant gift that can tell me that?!?

Elder Hales visits the 29th ward

2010-04-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

Sunday our ward had Elder Hales come by for a visit. The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve are seriously considering what to do with singles and the single's wards. I don't know why they choose our ward, but they've been through a few times, mostly members of the 70, though, not usually members of the 12. I guess it helps that our first counselor in the Bishopric is Pres. Monson's home teacher, but whatev's.

Anyway, I got to pass Elder Hales the sacrament and some people were thinking it was a big deal. Take it from me, it wasn't. I've served the sacrament to Pres. Monson and it wasn't any different. I'm not saying it's not cool, but really, they aren't any different in that respect. Wouldn't it be weird to have a goal to pass the sacrament to ALL the members of the 12? If I were to do something like that, then right now I'd be saying, 1 down 11 to go!!

The real point of all of this is that Elder Hales gave a really simple message, but one that I needed to hear. It was primarily about self-acceptance. I won't go over everything, I'd have to be able to read my notes to do that and I was writing to so fast most of it's not legible anyway..., but I will mention one or two things that stood out to me.

He said that we were to go home, look in the mirror, call ourselves by name and say, "It's good enough, just being you." That might sound all Stuart Smalley to some people, but I tried it, and it was surprisingly hard. I've been doing so much work trying to be okay with "me" that it surprised me how hard it was to say the words. It was like, saying it loud made it real and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. I think the other reason it was hard is because I don't yet know how to reconcile the "be okay with yourself" and "constantly improve" dictums that I feel I've been given. Those two things feel at odds with each other - how can I be okay with myself if I need to improve? If I need to improve something, doesn't that imply that I'm NOT okay with myself? I don't know, I haven't really figured that out yet. But at least I'm trying and I feel like I'm at least going to be blessed for following his counsel.

The truth is, it actually worked a little. I think a part of me couldn't help but believe what I was saying was true. As much as I've tried to avoid that kind of honesty with myself, I really had to admit that I really do like who I am, even if there are things about me I don't like. Then when I think about the things I don't like I tend to forget about the things I do like and my self-esteem suffers. Liking myself is a choice and for whatever reason, that choice does not come naturally to me, but like any quality, it can be practiced. Which is what I plan to do.

I know everyone knows the phrase, "whether you think you can or you think you can't you're right," but I've developed my own little version of that that goes like this: The only reason you think you can't, is because you think you can't. Conversely, the positive iteration of this would be: The reason you think you can, is because you think you can. (ha ha, I suddenly thought of the little engine that could... I guess this positive message had been around for while...)

Anyway, at the very least, it feels good to know that what I'm working on is important and to have an Apostle tell me that, from the pulpit, makes me feel like I'm on the right track and that helps even more to "think I can" handle this and get through it.

One week anniversary

2010-04-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

Officially, yesterday was day 7 without any sugar or simple carbs (for me that includes no pasta, rice, bread, etc.)!!! Woohoo!

I don't have any particular goal or time frame for not eating sugar, I'm just trying not to eat it anymore. I felt like it was time to make more of an effort. I've spent the last year or so bemoaning my fate when I eat unhealthy food and I finally decided that I do not want to do that anymore. Yes, it means sacrifice and maybe turning down a dinner invite or two, but I think in the long run it will be worth it. Well, it's my health, so I know it will be worth it.

It's been a weird week. I think it took me a couple of days before I felt like I was "detoxing." That is, headaches and kinda moody, and a few more days of rotating moods, happy, then sad, upbeat, then melancholy, etc. It's almost feels like an emotional thermostat trying to reset itself. I don't know how else to describe it. I can honestly say that I feel better. I'm a little bit more tired still, but I think my body is trying to adjust to living on fewer calories. I'm not starving myself or anything, I just find that I can't eat as much in one sitting when the food is nutrient dense, which is a good thing. The base of my diet is vegetables, lean meats (mostly eggs and poultry), and healthy fats.

So my plan is just to go as long as I can and pay attention to how my body responds. My main goal is to help control the amount of calories I eat and to make sure the base of my diet is nutritious. I know I eat a TON more when I eat sugar - don't know why exactly, but I think it's something like this. When I eat sugar, I'm getting a lot of calories, but no nutrients. I think my body responds by saying, "Hey! We got enough calories, but we don't have enough building blocks here (proteins, amino acids, enzymes, anti-oxidants, etc.) - you gotta eat some more!" So I crave more food, unfortunately, cravings typically cause me to eat unhealthy food, which only gives me more calories, but essentially starves my body of what it needs. So what does it do? Store the excess calories (turning love handles into a loveseat!) and keep me running to the fridge, or the store, or the fast food restaurant.

Again, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's exactly what's going on. Anyway, I have noticed that I do not crave things as often. I still get cravings once in a while, especially the first few days (trust me, it was a fight not to give in!), but now I seem to be having fewer and they are less intense. That makes me feel good and also makes me feel like I am doing the right things.

I know I have a long way to go. I've lived for so long not understanding how my own body works that I've left myself open to temptations and whims and I finally feel like I'm just beginning to understand how to get it under control. In one sense though, the damage is done and I have to accept the consequence of my actions in making me this heavy.

Sorry if this expression is too crude for you, but it's a reall kick in the crotch to realize that even though I was innocently ignorant, it doesn't change the fact that the way I am is a result of my own choices. That's been a tough one for me to accept. But I think I'm at the point where I realize I have to accept it before I can move forward. And, of course, no one else can change my body for me. Whether I feel it's fair or not to be the way I am and regardless of whether I accept it as a result of my own actions, no one can lose the weight for me. I have to be the one to fix it, even if I feel like I'm not the one who caused me to be fat in the first place.

So, that's what I'm trying to do and now I've got 7 sugar-free days under my belt, which I hope will translate into much fewer pounds under my belt down the road. I want to thank everyone who's been supportive of me in eating healthy and encouraging me to keep going, even when I feel like I've failed. I know I have to be the one to change, but I couldn't do it alone either.

p.s. I'll just put in a plug here for Elder Uchtdorf's talk in this last Priesthood Session on Patience. It's AMAZING and been a very timely message for me.

I already know I'll be eating out twice next week, so my goal is to make healthier choices and not overdo it on anything. I feel confident that I can successfully navigate eating out now that I've had this week to encourage me and help me remember that eating healthy really does make a difference in how I feel and I really do want to feel good!

"Bring Your Blog to Work" Day!

2010-04-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

I thought since my sis was having so much fun documenting her daily life in the PRC, I thought, "why not document mine?" The photos* below outline my journey through work on a typical day.

*Click on a photo to see it enlarged.

I arrive. This is what my building looks like from where I park. (No, I'm not forced to park out in BFE, but it's just something I do to encourage more daily walking.)

By the by, it was a pretty morning!

Here is our reception desk that I walk past every morning.

Here is the big logo I pass as well. I go just around the corner to the left to clock in.

Me clocking in. (7:15am - right on time!)

Here is the LONG hall I walk down to the secure area of the building.

Here we are! Quick lean to the right to wave my badge in front of the security... thingy.

Here's the next hall! An immediate turn to the left...

...and I'm at my department. We are smak dab in the middle of the building with no sky lights or windows. Lame.

I walk straight ahead a bit, then turn right.

Straight ahead to the first left.

Hit the "clr" button on the copy machine as I walk past because I'm Monk-ishly OCD and say hi to the pretend greenery. Turning right.

My cubie is the last on the left.

You can tell because it has my name on it...

Here's looking into one corner...

...here's the other.

This is my fun wall. It's fun! Lots of China stuff from Reb!

This is my POV (point of view) just before I log in to my computer.

This is me working. (for those of you who are frequent visitors, I just happen to be wearing my Orange Sweater again - I promise, I've only worn it to work, like, three times now. And, memo to me, didn't realize it brought out my bald spot so much... hmm... I'll have to think about that one...

Anyway, here is my co-worker. We are on the same team. We don't talk much. (J/K - she's at school a lot so I don't see her much anyway!)

Today wasn't typical in that we were going on a field trip. They just finished the SelectHealth building and were giving us a tour, so...

Here's the other end of the hall from where I entered the "secured" area - basically at the back door that is not open to the public.

Here we are on our way.

And here's the entrance we just left.

The new home of SelectHeath. It may look somewhat plain, but it really is a nice building.

This was in the elevator. Look how cute Loretta is, she's not usually so coy! By the way, on the far left, that is not red eye on Ashley; she is half dutch, half devil.

This is the view looking west from the third floor, at the end of our tour.

That's really about it. All in all, it was a typical day, excepting for our little excursion, and now it's time to go home. Back out the maze and down the long hall...

...this is me clocking out. 4:21pm - phew, long day!

There's Eli (my car) still waiting for me waaaaaay at the end of the parking lot.

"Bye, Employee Services Center, see you tomorrow!"

I just realized why I never documented my daily life before - way too boring!!

Woohoo!!!

2010-04-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

"April 14*, because it's not too hot and it's not too cold. All you need is a light jacket!"

Today was the "perfect date" and it really was a beautiful day; I took a couple of walks around our building to enjoy the sunshine. After how stormy (and snowy?!?) it's been lately, it felt awesome!

But what made me really happy, was that I registered for my classes today!!! I am so excited!! I've been smiling all day and it's a wonder I got anything done at work!! I start this Fall!!! It finally feels official.

*After some Ninja Googling, I realized the actual quote should be April 25... but you get the idea!

Past lives... 1960

2010-04-12T19:52:00.000-07:00

I realize my blog can get a little TOO serious, so today I've decided to inject a little levity and reveal one of the people I used to be in a past life.

This me when my name was Garth (Garth Pembrook actually). This is in 1960 when my mom was 10 years old and my dad was 12. It is also loving referred to as my "Raymond Burr" period.

Stay tuned... so many past lives, so little time...

Why we have journals...

2010-04-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

After my last post, I was feeling the need to express myself further, so I drew this, the picture I had in my head. The blob on the ground is my shadow. It's supposed to be like looking from my vantage point. I know it's a simple (i.e., rough) rendering, but for me, this captures the fear of the unknown and the uncertainty of whether or not I think I'm ready to move foward and walk into the unknown.

Today I pulled out an old spiralbound notebook that I had used in school, which I have a tendency to use as journals. I've got all these notebooks with random things in them, some have dates, some don't. I opened it to write some thoughts down and instead, I started looking through it. I found an old entry of a time I went to a ropes course. It's one of those team building things where you do various obstacle courses. Not my favorite thing. But it did bring back some old memories. One being that I really do have the courage to face my fears and do hard things.

I accept some things in life are coincidences; but not this. It really was an answer to a prayer - not the one I expected and certainly not in the way I expected - but an answer nonetheless. It reminded me that EVERY ordinary person is capable of extraordinary things. I took the time to do more introspection and I learned many things about myself and my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I identified a cycle that I fall into and that helped me identify some of my major pitfalls that lead to a lot of frustration.

Two of the things I know I need to work on right now are combating negative thoughts and not worrying so much about what other people think of me (yes, still working on this one!). These are not mutually exclusive, but they do seem to show up a lot together.

I learned one other thing: This is why we have journals!!

The Black Holes of life

2010-04-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

Black Holes suck. Literally and figuratively. Theoretically, they spew. Radiation. But whatever, I'm not a scientist. Where am I going with this? Not a clue. I'll just keep typing and see what happens...

Some things that are my life's black holes: Negative Thoughts. Sugar. Movies/TV. They are black holes because they suck away my energy and/or time. Why are time and energy so valuable that we mourn their loss, then regret having lost them and then think we can somehow cheat and spend money to buy them back? I want to believe there is a quickfix to my problems, a magic pill, so to speak. I don't think I'm alone in that and it gives me some sympathy for people who become desparate and trade the magic pill for a magic bullet to solve their problems. Now, don't freak out on me, I'm not saying I'm suicidal, but I'm walking in someone else's shoes right now and feeling some empathy.

There is no quick fix and no magic pill (or bullet for that matter). I think my biggest black hole has been desperately wanting to find one, but knowing I never will.

That's kind of depressing, isn't it? Sorry. Depression is a side-effect of carbs for me. It should be apparent that I have not eaten well this week.... I guess, upon further reflection, I'm not so much depressed as stuck. It's a hard thing to realize that the only way out of something is through it. Then it's harder to feel like you don't have the ability TO get through it.

It's like looking at the mouth of a long dark tunnel, knowing that walking through it is the only way to go, but so afraid of the dark that you're paralized from taking that first step. It's so much easier to lay down and wait for someone to come along and take your hand and lead you through it. It takes many years to realize that no one's coming.

If I'm honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that only reason no one's coming is because the only One who can, already did. He already walked through the tunnel and it's up to me to follow... or not. Can I follow? I don't know... that's why I'm stuck. I know what I NEED to do, I just don't believe I CAN do it. Enter the negative thought black hole...

Wow, I really had no intention of blogging about this, but I think I did because I need advice. How have any of you out there faced your fears? How do you find the courage to take that first step...?

Updates and thoughts

2010-03-25T19:56:00.000-07:00

Since there are no comments on my Kefi post, I am going to take that as a No - which makes sense, now that I think about it. If I can't find it, why should I ask anyone else to tell me where it is? Oh well! I'm sure it'll turn up eventually.

On the plus side, I have news about school. I was accepted at the University of Utah, again. This time for a 2nd Bachelors in Communication Disorders. I will be taking a couple of years worth of classes and then applying for the Master's Program. I am SO flipping excited!! I never thought I would be this excited to go back to school, but I am. (I am also taking that as a really good sign that I am doing the right thing.) I start this Fall and, frankly, can't start soon enough.

It's strange, some days I'm happy at work (probably because I know it's not permanent) and other times I feel like it's the worst drudgery known to mankind (probably because it's not rewarding in the ways that I need). I felt bad when my co-worker T. read a previous post where I said it was a job and not a career, and T. said it IS a career for them (sorry T!). Well no offense to anyone in HR. I've done it for 8-9 years and while T. was right, it can be a career, I just meant that it isn't a long-term career option for me.

I think I will like Speech Therapy for a ton of reasons, but one of the most important is that it's a career where I can help people, but not earn a lot of accolades, if that makes sense. I like the thought of helping people, but then having them be able to look back and feel good about the hard work THEY did to improve.

I imagine the most rewarding thing out there is to help someone else realize their own potential. I don't feel like I had that in my own life. That's not to say that there weren't people to help me along the way, because there most certainly were. I just never felt that I consistently had anyone in my corner, rooting for me. I felt like I've struggled my whole life to understand why I should improve when I don't feel that anyone else around me cared if I did or not. I know I'm hoppin' the train to Martyrsville here, and I don't mean to do that.

I blame perception. There were (and are) people who care about seeing me improve, but for a long time I couldn't see it and that made me feel pretty worthless and lonely. It's been a hard thing to "learn" how to feel worth and I still have a lot to learn. But I'm much better than I was and that's partly due to the wonderful people who have influenced my life. I know that I could not be where I am today without the love and support of family and friends (so THANK YOU to everyone reading this!) and I also know that my Father in Heaven has orchestrated every good thing that has happened to me and has guided me to meet those who have loved and supported me. I really feel like I am surrounded by the best people on Earth and I know it's not through any merit of mine.

To whomever might be reading this: Thanks for being there helping me when I've needed you.

Has anyone seen my Kefi?

2010-03-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

I recently watched the 2nd season of Chuck and I love this show. I really do like lots of different kinds of shows (except reality shows - I hate it when reality becomes scripted... it's no longer "real," but I digress...), however I seem to gravitate to certain kinds of shows. Some of my favorite shows, past or present, are (in no particular order): 30 Rock, Alias, X-Files, Medium, Lost, Numbers, Fringe, Bones, Chuck, Pushing Daisies, Star Trek: TNG, 3rd Rock From the Sun, etc. (This list doesn't even include British TV Shows or Cartoons!)

While I think I have a range of interests, I do seem to gravitate to some of the more sci-fi-ish types of shows. While watching Chuck, which is a spy "dramedy" I was asking myself why I liked this show so much. The answer was, I watch those shows and think, what would I do in that situation? Which I know is totally ridiculous because it's tv, not real life, but what if...?

That's when I realized I have no Kefi. Has anyone out there seen the movie My Life in Ruins? I actually really like that movie and part of the plot is Nia Vardalos' character trying to find her Kefi. It doesn't have an exact English translation, but it incorporates the themes of passion, dreams, fun, excitement, spirit, etc.

I don't think I have any Kefi in my life, so I find it in these shows which allow me a chance to "escape" reality for a time and think about how exciting it would be to be a spy; having to use your wits, that rush of controlled adrenaline in dangerous situations, kung fu-ing the crap out of the bad guys... I think that would be fun. Now, I should just say, for the sake of honesty, I have no illusions about what I'm capable of in real life and if I were to be a spy, I would be dead in 3.5 seconds. But, it's fun to think about anyway.

So, where does Kefi come from and where do I find it? I guess what I'm basically saying is that I realized that I don't have anything in my life to be passionate about. I may have lots of interests and hobbies, stuff like art and cooking, etc., but nothing that I really feel passionate about. I don't have that thing that I really "live" for, ya know?

How do I find my Kefi?

misc

2010-03-16T20:02:00.000-07:00

I don't really have anything to say. I just didn't want to look at my orange sweater picture anymore.

That picture does remind me, I was going to show you some Chinese Lanterns that I made when our work celebrated Chinese New Year:

There are a couple that aren't in this photo because I gave them away. But the one on the far right is my favorite. I had a lot of fun playing with different designs (the ones that are missing are more square), but I will probably never do that again. It took a lot of time and trying to figure out how to get the tissue paper inside was a challenge.

Since I'm online, I guess I'll just keep typing my thoughts...

I had a rough day at work today. I won't go into details, but I didn't feel very supported and it kind of ticked me off. I am dealing with it and trying to just let it go, but I'll admit, it hurt a little. The only reason I mention it, is because it brought on a HUGE oreo craving! I don't usually even like oreo's that much, but it was all I could think about. I'd just read "YOU On A Diet," so I was totally aware that my emotional state was driving this craving, but just kowing that didn't make it go away. Actually, it still hasn't. But then I prayed and thought about all the reason's why I am trying NOT to eat that stuff and it helped my resolve. It didn't take the craving away, but it helped me decide to go to the gym, rather than the store... which was a mini-victory for me today. But I still want the friggin' cookie...

One thing I've been trying to do is connect what I want in my future with my choices today. I know that probably sounds lame and remedial, but it occured to me the other day that I've spent most of my life wanting better, but not really doing anything about it. (Picture me sitting slouched on my comfortable couch with a bag of oreos perched on my tummy mindlessly inserting cookie after cookie into my mouth wondering when I'm going to lose weight... Okay, maybe don't picture that because that's just embarassing, but you get my point.) Now, when I'm faced with a craving, or I think I'm too tired to exercise, I think about what I want my life to be in the future and I ask, "is eating this bag of oreos going to help me get to that future, or take away from it?" The answer is obvious and it helps me keep perspective, and to realize that 9 times out of 10, I really don't want to eat badly or avoid exercise, but I just need to focus on correcting whatever is affecting me emotionally at the moment.

It's not fool-proof by any means, but it's helped. It definitely takes practice. But if it influences even a few decisions, then I figure I'll be better off in the long run because every little bit helps, or so I've heard it said.

Does anyone else have those kinds of struggles? Or does anyone else have any tips that work for them? Please share...

The Orange Sweater

2010-03-03T18:05:00.000-08:00

Okay, you asked for it so here it is...

Pretty anticlimactic, but you asked!!!

Happy Birthday Dad!

2010-03-02T16:54:00.000-08:00

Someone at work asked me if I was doing okay today; I guess I seemed a little sad. At first I said, "today is my dad's birthday," then corrected myself and said, "well, today would have been my dad's birthday." I've been thinking about how I still automatically refer to my dad in the present tense.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is not an accident. I refer to my dad in the present tense, because his spirit still lives.

It's rare, but I do feel his presence at times. And, because of my testimony of the Gospel, I know that he IS around. I miss his physical presence, which does make me sad. But referring to him in the present tense helps me feel like he's still around me and it's my way of acknowledging to him that I know he's there.

I have vascillated a lot today between peace and sadness. I feel sad for the things that we aren't able to share directly. I feel sad at the talks we can't have. I feel sad that I can't go to him for a blessing. (I realize that I feel sad for the things I'm missing out on by not having him around. I don't necessarily feel bad for him because I know he's where he's needed.)

But I think that he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know he understands why I am, but I try to remind myself of the testimony I have of the resurrection and the joy of knowing that we will be with each other again. That brings me peace.

I have been wanting to do something to honor him and I've been thinking about that a lot today too. I came to two resolutions: 1) Blog about him. Check! 2) Be the best person I can be. I guess I think the best way to honor his memory is to do what he would want me to do, which is to become the best person I can be.

Just like I know he wouldn't want me to drown in despair over him, I don't think he would want to me succumb to the vices of the world. Of course, it's much easier said than done. But at least I want to publicly acknowledge that I really do want to be a better person. And if I can be, I want him to know that any success I achieve will be due, in part, to his example and influence.

Thanks, Dad, for always encouraging me to press forward. I'm glad you're still "around" and I can't wait to see you again. Happy Birthday!

Thoughts and the secret to happiness

2010-02-26T20:48:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in almost a month... I was kind of on fire there for a little bit, then life happens, and you know the rest.

It's been great having my sister home for the last few weeks!! I am conflicted at seeing her leave tomorrow! I am sad to see her go back to China, but am so amazed at what she's accomplished that I really want her to go back and complete her assignment. I know the amazing feeling she must feel knowing she's done this incredibly hard thing and has come to love much of her experience. I'm sure it will feel good to go back and then be able to say, "I did it!" In a way I'm jealous, I don't know that I have the guts to do anything like that and I really admire that about her. Five months will go by quickly, I suppose, and it will be great to have her back home again... until she leaves and who knows where she'll end up! I kind of hope New York because I've never been there and I want to go visit!! I know she'll end up in the right place for her.

I got accepted into school for my second bachelors! I am going into Communication Disorders and I want to be a Speech-Langauge Pathologist (i.e. Speech Therapist). I can't wait - I am SOOOO excited to go back to school!! I will start this Fall. It's going to be hard to do - there are a lot of uncertain things that I don't know how to plan for, like my job. I am leaving it in the Lord's hands, but I worry about it sometimes. I can't plan every detail, but I know he can, and does, and that's comforting.

I took a risk today. I wore an orange sweater. I know that sounds lame, but I saw it and really, really liked it, so I bought it. I just didn't know how it would look on me and I thought I would look like a big round orange, which I do, but I also really like it. I was a good thing for me, I think. I have realized lately a lot of things about myself, things that I need to change and one of those is perception. I worry to much about other people judging me - I know why I am this way and I won't go into it here, but suffice it to say, I didn't know how people would react. So I gave myself a little pep-talk as I left this morning. Something along the lines of, "Okay, I didn't buy these clothes because I thought other people would like them. I bought them because I like them and I thought it would be a good color on me. So even if people look at me funny or make fun of me, it won't matter because I can't control what other people think of me and, personally, I think this outfit does look good on me - even if I'm bursting at the seams." So when I walked out the door, I left with a little more confidence, knowing that I made this choice because it made me happy and I wasn't going to worry about what other people thought, because I can't control them or do anything about it anyway. You know what happened? I got lots of compliments! I wasn't expecting that at all. Looking back, I think it was both the clothes and my attitude that made the difference. It was a risk, but it paid off and I'm glad I did it!

And a big THANK YOU to all those who made my day with your compliments! I am surrounded by the best people!!

I have a lot of other epiphanies I want to blog about - and I will - but for now I want to leave with two things: 1 - the secret to happiness and change, and 2 - an analogy that helps me remember that secret.

The secret to happiness and change is: How I talk to myself.

That's it. Pretty (deceptively) simple, isn't it? But huge in its importance.

My feeling is that the way I talk to myself, determines how I feel about myself, how I treat myself, and how I let others treat me. This is where the locus of power in my own life lies. This is a result of having agency and the only thing that I have absolute control over. No matter who you are, or your circumstances in life, you can choose how you talk to yourself. I have said a lot of negative things to myself in the past and I am working on changing that. Like any other skill, takes practice to improve. But when I do, I feel more confidence and peace. Jut like what I told myself when I wore my sweater today - I needed that positive reinforcement, but the only place it could come from is me. If I had been self-conscious and still received compliments on my sweater, I would have felt as though I didn't deserve them and try to deflect them. That's because I would only allow negative reinforcement, not positive. But with a different outlook, the compliments were appreciated even more because, deep down, I didn't really NEED them.

My anology is this. "Self-talk" is like breathing. For the majority of the day, it's on "automatic." You don't consciously think about breathing, your body just does it. Your interal dialogue is always on and runs automatically -whether it's positive or negative and regardless of whether you're aware of it or not - it's always on. But with breathing, you can become aware of how you're breathing and seamlessly take CONSCIOUS control of how you're breathing (like how people do this when they're singing). The same is true with our thoughts, we can take conscious control of our internal dialogue and CHOOSE whether or not that self-talk is positive or negative. I believe that the more we practice CONSCIOUS POSITIVE self-talk, the more our unconscious dialogue REMAINS positive. This change from negative to positive can change our lives, I truly believe that. For me it is not automatically positive, and it will take a lot of work and effort to change it to positive, but I know I can and I know the Lord will help me. Just like you'll die after minutes of not breathing, I think our internal dialogue is just that important to our survival.

That's all for now... blog ya later!

Food and the evil necessity

2010-01-29T20:48:00.000-08:00

I love food. Just when I think food loves me back, I find it hates me. Then I hate food. Then I apologize and I love food again.

Yes, I know I sound crazy - I did it on purpose to make a point. I recall commenting to someone once on my distorted relationship with food. Then I realized I used the word "with." Shouldn't I have said, "...my relationship TO food..."? Or is that just semantics? I don't think so. It's a bit of a revelation to realize that I regard food the way I would another human being. Are food and I really in a "relationship?" Some days there might be some symbolic similarities (some people don't "sit" well with me and make me want to puke, others are like comfort food - you feel good just being around them, etc.), but really, overall, I don't think I should be reacting to food the way I react to people, right?

I don't really know how or when that started. Maybe it's just another aspect of what people do when they live to eat, rather than eat to live. I don't want a "relationship" with food, but how do you end a relationship with something you need to live? Is that why some people have a hard time ending relationships with people who are bad for them, even though they know they are bad for them, somehow they feel like they need that relationship in order to feel good about themselves, or their life, or maybe even in order to survive (emotionally)? (Things might be getting deep here folks, stay with me...)

People do illogical things that hurt themselves all the time (like doctor’s who still smoke), so I’ve learned that we are powerfully motivated by emotions and I definitely have emotions attached to food. For example, my own blog post about my trip to DC. Notice what I said just above the picture?

Sometimes I listen to people who are in terrible relationships and my reaction is “deal breaker – shut it down!” But it’s easy for me, who am not emotionally involved, to say that. But what about my own (dysfunctional?) emotional relationships? It’s not so easy for me to take my own advice. When I think to myself, I really NEED a pizza, I should say to myself “deal breaker – shut it down!” and reach for an apple, but do I? Of course not! Because it’s not about the pizza, it's about what the pizza means – comfort. The real question I should be asking is, why do I need to be comforted right now?

And food is such an easy thing to reach for. Why? Because we have to have it to live!! It feels like food is a necessary evil. You can’t just say, “Oh yeah, I guess this is a bad relationship, I’m just gonna ‘shut it down’ and stop eating from now on…” Additionally, bad food is so readily available! It’s easier, faster, and more comforting than healthy food. I guess here I should make a distinction. There is good food and bad food. I think all fast food, processed/prepackaged food, sugar, soda, etc. are bad categorically (meaning, for everyone). Then I think there is food that is bad for me. Sugar makes me crazy (even too much fruit in one sitting). Carbs like bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, etc. make me depressed, so I can’t eat them. But those are the foods I “love!”

I think when I can change my relationship with food from a “with” to a “to,” then I’ll have the right relationship and I’ll eat to live only.

Right now, I just really want a pizza…

Birthday babble

2010-01-27T16:13:00.000-08:00

I've heard people say, "there are no stupid questions." I totally disagree. Some questions are stupid. For example, every year a few days after my birthday I hear, "It was your birthday? Why didn't you tell me?" Stupid question. For a small education in social etiquette, here's my answer:

First of all, It's very rare for this to be brought up appropriately when it's not the actual topic of discussion. "What did you have for dinner last night?" "It's my birthday tomorrow."

Second, I've known people who have announced their brithday and, let's just say, they are people who usually don't leave the best impression (greedy, awkard, lonely, desparate, sad, etc.). I don't want to be one of those people.

Third, and what's REALLY stupid about this question is that even when we know why we would never announce our birthday unbidden (because of reasons one and two) WE STILL ASK THE QUESTION OF OTHERS!! (Admit it, you've said it to someone at least once in your life!)

Yes, it was my birthday last Thursday and I didn't tell you... because I'm not lame.

p.s. now that I've told you it's the 21st of January I expect you to write that in your calendars... and don't ask me next year why I didn't tell you it was my birthday - I'm telling you now!!!

The answer is 3...

2010-01-18T09:56:00.000-08:00

Three days in a row sorting through underGarments. That has to be a new record for me and proof that my life is lame - because this is all I have to blog about...

So I went to my mom's house for Sunday dinner (it was her birthday so we made her dinner), but I found a basket of laundry that needed washing... guess what it was? You guessed it! Under"G's"!! I guess if I sit down tonight and fold them, it will be four days in a row, but I can only take so much, so that's not going to happen!!

By the way, here is a photo of my experience at the Junior League of Salt Lake:

Do I look confused? Bewildered? Incredulous?

It's because I don't know what this is, or what possible use it could have...

Okay - that's not true, but it made for a good photo!!

Laundry day...

2010-01-16T17:43:00.000-08:00

So I spent some of my day sorting my own "unmentionables..." How ironic is that? How many days in a row can someone sort underGarments...?

Today's community service

2010-01-15T19:22:00.001-08:00

Here's a comment someone made to me today: "I bet when you woke up this morning you didn't think you'd be sorting through women's underwear!"

That was a totally true statement! Indeed, when I woke up this morning I did NOT have any idea that I would be sorting through women's underwear!! But that's what happened!

So, our office particiapted in some community service today. We spent a couple of hours at a place called the Junior League of Salt Lake and assisted with their affiliate program "Women Helping Women." In a nutshell, they take donated women's professional attire and give them to women with low incomes (who qualify) so that they can have professional clothes to interview and find jobs (working in a Recruitment office, it was yet one more way we could try to help people find jobs!).

Anyway, assignments were random and I ended up on the panty line... (I repeat RANDOM) If you're like my friend, Amber, who cringed at the thought of what I was doing, let me just clarify right now: all the underwear was PURCHASED and not donated!! (They actually don't accept donated underwear... slips, yes, "lingerie," no.) Others were opening the newly PURCHASED underwear and we were bagging them individually and writing the sizes on the baggies (he he he, I'm chuckling to myself as I write this because the word "baggies" could have several meanings here!! Sorry, I know that's not polite!).

Of course, everyone had a great time making fun of me (I work with a majority of women) and commenting on how much I "seemed" to be enjoying myself. To be honest, I was enjoying myself, but ONLY because I was serving others. Trust me, seeing a bunch of granny-panties does nothing for me!

Either way, for good or bad (I'm sure bad), pictures were taken and memories were made.

It makes me wonder though... what will tomorrow bring?

Shin Splints and things you should know about them

2010-01-12T19:38:00.001-08:00

1. I've never had them before and didn't think they could be THAT bad... I was wrong.
2. I thought fat people could not get them, because (lets be honest) we don't have the mobility to be THAT active... I was wrong.
3. I thought when other people complained of having them, they were maybe showing off a little, because they WERE active enough to get them... I was wrong.

So I am continuing my exercise goal of walking (brisk and with intervals) for an hour two to three times per week. My legs have ached before, you know, now that I'm actually using them. But today is the first time I've gotten shin splints. I guess maybe that's a good sign - that I'm feeling well enough and that I'm able to push myself that much harder. I know I need to do more stretching and strengthening of those muscles... but dang I'm in pain!!

Also, I think whoever came up with the name "shin splints," didn't really capture the essence of how shin splints actually feel. Here are some of my alternatives: Shin Daggers, Shin Passing a Kidney Stone, Shin Giving Birth, Shin Spinal Tap, etc.

Happy New Year

2010-01-10T13:20:00.000-08:00

I know I'm a little late, but Happy New Year everybody!

I decided to shy away from New Year's Resolutions this year. I don't have anything against them, I just don't have anything new to resolve to do... the weightloss issue is kind of always there and I am proceeding with my other goals just fine, so I don't really have anything specific I feel like I need a resolution to acheive. And, historically, I'm not good at keeping resolutions anyway...

I feel like this year is going to be a great year. I don't know why exactly, but I feel like I'm going to make great progress in some areas that I've needed to since childhood, specifically, how I feel about myself. Some of the other great things to look forward to are a visit from my sister in Feb.; then she comes home for good and all in July!! Yay!! I am so proud of her for what she has accomplished! I know for a fact that I would not have it in me to do what she's done. I am in awe of her courage! But I have missed her terribly and will be so happy to have her home (even if it's in Texas!)!!

I am also going to be starting school in the Fall. I will be taking some pre-requisite undergraduate courses to prepare to enter a Master's program in Speech-Language Pathology. I am SOOOO looking forward to this. One, I need a change. Two, I need a career, not just a job. Three, I need to put myself in a position where I can actually FEEL like I can support a family. I just applied for admission yesterday, and I haven't officially been accepted yet, but I'm not at all worried about it.

Switching Gears...
Today is Sunday and we had a cool meeting where President Monson came to speak to us. I am in a singles ward and every 2nd Sunday of the month, we combine with two other single's wards in our area. We usually have pretty neat speakers for our 2nd sunday meetings, but this was especially cool! He was really relaxed and down to earth and funny. As much as any Prophet can be, I expect.

We all stood up when he entered and he waved and said, "Hello." to everyone. He shook hands with those he passed and even commented on one guy's plain yellow tie. He held up his tie and said how much he liked the color yellow. He then walked up onto the stand and walked along the row shaking hands with the Bishoprics from the 3 wards, when he got to the other end, he started walking off the stand and said, "well, goodbye." Then turned around and said "just kidding," walked back to the seat reserved for him. I know it may not sound like much, but considering the source, it was pretty hilarious.

He shared some great stories, as always, and a couple of the things he said that stood out to me were, and he quoted the following three times, which to me means it's highly significant: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (I had to look it up later - Proverbs 3:5-6). He said, "Put your trust in the Lord and do what you think He would have you do."

Another thing he emphasized was "effort." He mentioned this once, then brought it up again two more times. He said that nothing comes without effort. Said another way, everything worthwhile comes with effort and not to be afraid of work. He said to work hard and then take advantage of opportunities that arise. He re-stated, "Work will win, when wishy-washy wishing won't."

Lastly, and this is hard for me to mention, he reminded the brethren to date. (Ugghhh.. knife in the heart...) It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately, which I guess is a good sign. It's been so hard for me to put myself out there in that way. It touches too many personal things for me to mention the "why," but suffice to say, dating is not easy for me. I know others would say, "hey, what a great New Years Resolution - to date more this year!" (or in my case, to date - at all!!) But no, given my past experience with my lack of success in keeping resolutions, I don't think this is one for me. But like I said, I've been thinking about it alot, which is also scary, because I think it is my subconscious's way of telling me that I'm ready to face this challenge. We'll see...

In spite of that, I think 2010 will be a great year. So, rather than this just being a trite social custom, and in the spirit of self-fulling prophecy, Have a HAPPY New Year everyone - I know I will!

Temple Square for Rebecca

2009-12-30T21:51:00.001-08:00

Hey all, I finally went through the pictures I took on Temple Square. I tried to take some good shots for Rebecca since she won't be seeing the lights first-hand and they are a Christmas staple... well, in Utah anyway.

I thought I would try my hand at a little slide show presentation, so I'm crossing my fingers that this works. If not, I uploaded the pictures to my flickr page, so you can view them all there.

(The video is about 4 minutes long.) Enjoy!

Here are a few of the pictures I like the best:

My Christmas Testimony

2009-12-25T16:50:00.000-08:00

For behold, I say unto you there be many things to come; and behold, there is one thing which is of more importance than they all—for behold, the time is not far distant that the Redeemer liveth and cometh among his people. (Alma 7:7)

And behold, this will I give unto you for a sign at the time of his coming; for behold, there shall be great lights in heaven, insomuch that in the night before he cometh there shall be no darkness, insomuch that it shall appear unto man as if it was day.
And behold, there shall a new star arise, such an one as ye never have beheld; and this also shall be a sign unto you. (Helaman 14:3, 5)

And it came to pass that I looked and beheld the great city of Jerusalem, and also other cities. And I beheld the city of Nazareth; and in the city of Nazareth I beheld a virgin, and she was exceedingly fair and white.
And it came to pass that I saw the heavens open; and an angel came down and stood before me; and he said unto me: Nephi, what beholdest thou?
And I said unto him: A virgin, most beautiful and fair above all other virgins.
And he said unto me: Knowest thou the condescension of God?
And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.
And he said unto me: Behold, the virgin whom thou seest is the mother of the Son of God, after the manner of the flesh.
And it came to pass that I beheld that she was carried away in the Spirit; and after she had been carried away in the Spirit for the space of a time the angel spake unto me, saying: Look!
And I looked and beheld the virgin again, bearing a child in her arms. (1 Nephi 11:13-20)

And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. (Luke 2:6-14)

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder; and his name shall be called, Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. (2 Nephi 19:6)

And the angel said unto me again: Look and behold the condescension of God!
And I looked and beheld the Redeemer of the world, of whom my father had spoken; and I also beheld the prophet who should prepare the way before him. And the Lamb of God went forth and was baptized of him; and after he was baptized, I beheld the heavens open, and the Holy Ghost come down out of heaven and abide upon him in the form of a dove.
And I beheld that he went forth ministering unto the people, in power and great glory; and the multitudes were gathered together to hear him; and I beheld that they cast him out from among them.
And he spake unto me again, saying: Look! And I looked, and I beheld the Lamb of God going forth among the children of men. And I beheld multitudes of people who were sick, and who were afflicted with all manner of diseases, and with devils and unclean spirits; and the angel spake and showed all these things unto me. And they were healed by the power of the Lamb of God; and the devils and the unclean spirits were cast out.
And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me again, saying: Look! And I looked and beheld the Lamb of God, that he was taken by the people; yea, the Son of the everlasting God was judged of the world; and I saw and bear record.
And I, Nephi, saw that he was lifted up upon the cross and slain for the sins of the world. (1 Nephi 11:26-33)

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands. (1 Nephi 21:16)

And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard wept, and said unto the servant: What could I have done more for my vineyard? (Jacob 5:41)

And it shall come to pass that whosoever shall believe on the Son of God, the same shall have everlasting life.
And if ye believe on his name ye will repent of all your sins, that thereby ye may have a remission of them through his merits.
And behold, again, another sign I give unto you, yea, a sign of his death.
For behold, he surely must die that salvation may come; yea, it behooveth him and becometh expedient that he dieth, to bring to pass the resurrection of the dead, that thereby men may be brought into the presence of the Lord.
Yea, behold, this death bringeth to pass the resurrection, and redeemeth all mankind from the first death—that spiritual death; for all mankind, by the fall of Adam being cut off from the presence of the Lord, are considered as dead, both as to things temporal and to things spiritual.
But behold, the resurrection of Christ redeemeth mankind, yea, even all mankind, and bringeth them back into the presence of the Lord. (Helaman 14:8, 13-17)

And nothing can save this people save it be repentance and faith on the Lord Jesus Christ, who surely shall come into the world, and shall suffer many things and shall be slain for his people.
And behold, an angel of the Lord hath declared it unto me, and he did bring glad tidings to my soul. (Helaman 13:6-7)

How Can We Increase Our Love of God?
Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Love of God,” Ensign, Nov 2009, 21–24
“Since “God is love,” the closer we approach Him, the more profoundly we experience love. But because a veil separates this mortality from our heavenly home, we must seek in the Spirit that which is imperceptible to mortal eyes.
Heaven may seem distant at times, but the scriptures offer hope: “Ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.”
However, seeking God with all our hearts implies much more than simply offering a prayer or pronouncing a few words inviting God into our lives. “For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments.” We can make a great production of saying that we know God. We can proclaim publicly that we love Him. Nevertheless, if we don’t obey Him, all is in vain, for “he that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.”
We increase our love for our Heavenly Father and demonstrate that love by aligning our thoughts and actions with God’s word. His pure love directs and encourages us to become more pure and holy. It inspires us to walk in righteousness—not out of fear or obligation but out of an earnest desire to become even more like Him because we love Him. By doing so, we can become “born again … [and] cleansed by blood, even the blood of [the] Only Begotten; that [we] might be sanctified from all sin, and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world, and eternal life in the world to come, even immortal glory.”

And the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?
And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.
And he spake unto me, saying: Yea, and the most joyous to the soul. (1 Nephi 11:21-23)

The burning bush pic...

2009-12-22T20:17:00.000-08:00

I just love this shot, so thought I would share. More to come...

Well, I'm glad THAT'S over!!

2009-12-21T18:20:00.000-08:00

So I am done with choir. It was both a tough and rewarding experience (insert cheesy spiritual lesson comment here).

But I am glad it's over. It added a lot of stress and I really felt like I was sacrificing time I needed to do other things. One big one, is exercise. I feel like Pizza the Hut (Shout out Spaceballs fans!!!)! I realized that exercising is going to have to be more of a priority for me than it has been. It's been important, but not necessarily a priority. I really want 2010 to be the year that make some self-improvements that I should have made a long time ago.

I had forgotten how much I like performing and then hearing the applause - it's very satisfying. I had never performed in the Assembly Hall on Temple Square before and I reall liked it. Actually, I'm not sure I had ever been IN the Assembly Hall before. So that was fun.

It was totally crowded, but I think I got some good pictures of the lights on Temple Square. I need to review them all and post them to Flikr - so be watching for that!

I just re-read what I wrote and I feel like I'm having an "it was neat," moment. Is that the line from Sleepless in Seattle, when she's reading the letter from Jonah that she thinks is really his dad, so it sounds totally remedial for an adult to be writing...? Or maybe she said, "you sound neat." Anyway, you get my point. I like blogging. Blogging is neat...

The Arch

2009-12-17T20:05:00.000-08:00

So I did a dumb thing and volunteered to have my picture taken at work. (Note to self: fine print is fine for a reason... they WANT you to not read it!) They said they were putting together a presentation and needed some photos of work-setting situations and expressions. I think I have an expressive face. I have been taught to share talents. Hence, my volunteering.

So, we did a few casual shots and then they said, "do suspiciously confused." Now, it's quite natural for me to whip out The Arch, so this was not difficult instruction. But I forget that not everyone has yet been exposed to The Arch. When they saw it, it took a moment for them to realize what they were seeing. Then the camera flash starting going off, take after take after take! They had flipped over The Arch. Long shots, close-ups, head-shots, you name it, they did it. And I was on top of my game. I couldn't take a bad picture; not with the Arch; it's impossible.

Afterward, I didn't feel that I had simply done my civic duty in supporting my co-workers in the development of superior training materials, so much as give them a gift. The gift of the Arch. Which I've just now decided to re-name The Blue Magnum Arch.

Now, there were only a few of us in the room that day and I know some of you skeptics may be asking, "Oh yeah? Prove it." Well I can't... at least not with the photos they took. You see I signed a little waiver (more fine print! curses!). But I have a camera of my own and, while I'm not a professional photographer, I've done my best to recapture The Blue Steel Arch. Thus, here is my gift to you:

p.s. some details may have been embellished and/or fabricated for purely entertainment purposes.

Random Topics Post: Change, Snow, Singing

2009-12-13T15:53:00.000-08:00

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted anything for so long! I put the ME in LAME! :)

CHANGE
I've been thinking a lot about change. I guess it's an appropriate time of year for that. I was at a Stake Conference where one of the members of the Seventy (I think it was Elder Snow) was talking about three different "levels" of Christmas that he had noticed. The first being the fun of presents and Santa and carols, etc. The second being the quiet reflection of the Savior's birth, the hymns (not just Christmas songs, but hymns) that reflect the nature of why we celebrate Christmas. The third being looking at the full mission of the Savior. Not just knowing that he was born, but WHY he was born. I was really struck by that and it got me thinking about how the Savior's mission, or his gift, is really all about change.

Because of the Savior's Atonement, I can change. That's a pretty powerful thing to me and one I don't appreciate often enough. The irony to me is that His gift remains effectual throughout this life. In other words, the Atonement is the gift of change that never changes. It's always available to us. I love that. I need it, more often than I am willing to admit.

That doesn't make it easy though. Change is hard. I guess that's why it's so important.

SNOW
Okay, enough serious stuff. We had a huge snowstorm about a week ago and I got a picture of one of our picnic tables at work:

I thought that was bad, then someone sent me a picture of their backyard patio in Kearns - YIKES:

I hate snow sometimes. Don't get me wrong, it's pretty and we need the water, but dang! I guess I mostly just hate driving in it. I learned how to drive in the snow just before I got my license, but while I as on my mission I almost ran off a mountain road in icy conditions and ever since then I've been freaked out at driving in it.

I actually cancelled a Home Teaching appointment today, because I was so worried about it. I hope they can forgive me!!

SINGING
I'm glad I got to sing in church today. I sang in a quartet with some truly talented brothers and felt like I kept throwing them off. I was feeling kind of bad about it, but then decided that 1) They are way too nice to make me feel bad about it, and 2) if I was really that terrible, then they won't ask me to sing again, right? I have to say, though, for as unprepared as I felt, I really think it went okay. I feel good about the effort I put into it and I'm glad got to be a part of the program. Everyone did such a great job - I'm amazed at the talent we have in our ward.

Speaking of performing...
I just realized that I have only a week left until our concerts. I am really not ready. I thought I would be, but I'm kind of nervous. I joined the Salt Lake Symphonic Choir about a month ago, which was halfway through their winter rehearsal schedule. So basically, I was only beginning to learn the music when everyone else was starting to memorize! Now I'm not so sure joining when I did was such a good idea. I've enjoyed it, but performing makes me nervous.

Wish me luck!

p.s. for those of you who wanted to know:
Saturday, December 19, 2009 @ St. Thomas More Catholic Church (3015 Creek Road
Sandy, UT 84093-6575), starts at 8:00pm
Sunday, December 20, 2009 @ Assembly Hall on Temple Square, starts at 8:30pm
(Both concerts are free.)

Not a lost cause...

2009-09-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

I've learned something about myself recently. I thought I was a lost cause. I'm not sure I know how to describe what I mean by that, but I want to try.

I thought that when the Lord makes something, He makes it the way He wants it and our task is to either accept it or reject it. Take, as an example, the Plan of Salvation. He presented this plan to us and said we had a choice: We could accept it, or reject it; it was up to us to choose.

Somehow, I learned that this concept applies to me. Heavenly Father made me the way that I am, and I can either accept it, or reject it. As a result of this, I have never really accepted myself. I never really found myself acceptable; I have too many faults, too many weaknesses, too many sins, etc. I've never been comfortable with myself, and as I went out into the world, I found that I was not acceptable to the world either. The world doesn't treat people like me kindly - being overweight is not something that people just "overlook" and for years, I was reminded of that daily - how different and unacceptable I was. I believed others because I thought they were re-affirming what I already new to be true. But over the past couple of years, realizing that the fruit of self-loathing has not led to change or happiness, I've been trying to accept myself - all of myself, the good and the bad. It's been a very difficult challenge and some days are better than others.

Every time I exercise I feel ashamed and embarrassed. That may sound weird to some people. I have never known why I feel that way, but I interpreted that to mean that I was doing something wrong by exercising. I felt that Heavenly Father did not want me to exercise, because He wants me to accept myself the way I am. In other words, "God made me this way, and I can either accept it or reject it." The only problem with that, is that I don't want to "accept" being overweight. How can he ask me to accept something I hate so much and which is, in reality, bad for me. It's not healthy to be overweight and it negatively effects every area of my life. Nevertheless, I have tried to do just that - just accept me for who I am right now. It hasn't been easy.

As I pondered why I would feel embarrassed and ashamed of doing something good for myself a phrase came to my mind that gave me understanding. The phrase was, "...because it's too late for me." Meaning I could try to lose weight if I wanted, but it wasn't really going to work, because I am the way God made me and it's too late for me to do anything about it. In essence I told myself that I was defeated before I even began to try. Well no wonder I felt ashamed and embarrassed - I felt guilt for wanting to change something that was already "written in stone." Other phrases came to mind, "lost cause," "too late to change," "no use," etc.

I was so grateful for that understanding, because for the first time in my life, I was able to question that belief and ask myself, why would I feel that I was a lost cause? It stems from the belief that Heavenly Father made me this way and I can either accept it or not. If I accepted it, then that would mean that I have to accept myself the way "God made me," and that I could not change it! Or, if I rejected it, then I was rejecting my Heavenly Father - either way, I lose.

But I am NOT a lost cause. It is NOT too late for me to change. Change is the nature of why I am here. I still think it's important to accept myself, but it's just as important to accept that I have the need and the opportunity to change, as much as it is to accept me for who I am.

I really do know that I am a child of God and he made me the way that I am... as a place to start!! I am not a lost cause after all; I am able and still have time to change. It is not too late for me... The Atonement is what gives me a chance to change and I can utilize it every single day. Change may not happen overnight, but it can happen daily, little by little. And that I can accept!

Humbled...

2009-08-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time (that I can recall anyway) since I've been humbled by a prayer.

As the world increases in confusion and turmoil, there are increasing less things that consistently bring comfort and peace. One of those things is prayer. If I could give my children only one gift for them to guide their lives, it would be to teach them the power of sincere prayer. I felt it again tonight at my home teaching appointment.

Without knowing how, I begin to believe that power in prayer is related to sincerity, not so much vocabulary. You could use all of the most wonderful words you could think of when praying, but if you pray without sincerity, it means nothing. Even halting, un-eloquent speech can be turned to virtual music, in a sincere petition to the Lord.

I know that Prayer comforts, lifts, calms, relieves and heals.

You think you know someone...

2009-08-26T15:37:00.001-07:00

...and then you realize how little you actually know.

Take, for instance, the following example:

I recently learned that someone close to me, while a teenager, was kidnapped and held for ransom.

Okay, true, that's not something that will come up in casual conversation, but still, this person is CLOSE to me, meaning, I know pretty much everything about them... or at least I thought I did.

This person was held for two days by college kids who wanted concert tickets... so it's not like this was on par with, say, the Lindbergh Baby kidnapping, but still...

Makes me wonder what else I don't know...?

p.s. this is a really good example that illustrates why people should keep personal histories and, ironically, why I don't. Nothing that exciting ever happens to me!

Hard Week

2009-08-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

Hello all, I've been somewhat silent on the blog-front; many reasons, which I won't go into. It's been a hard week. I am hoping next week will be a little brighter.

I was talking to a friend recently about the week I was having - someone I trust explicitly - and I was unusually honest. They said that listening to me describe my week was like I was describing a different person. They had always known me to be upbeat, positive, friendly, funny... pretty much the opposite of the way I described myself over the past week. That was actually a real eye-opener for me. I wondered how they could see me one way, yet I experience myself another - so much so that they felt I was talking about a completely different person.

It made me think about who I really am. I think I DO have two persona's, the one I present to the world and the one I "see in the mirror." I am ashamed to confess, they are not the same person.

I guess there are lots of reasons for this. I learned growing up that appearances were really important. It seemed to me that no matter what I was going through, the most important thing was that other people thought I was doing well. That taught me to sacrifice my own well-being for the sake of appearances. (This has turned out to be not such a good idea...)

I felt like people didn't REALLY want to know how I was doing. Asking someone, "How are you today?" is more of a social convention, rather than an honest inquiry into someone's well being. Think about it, when you ask someone how they are doing, do you want them to say, "Oh, I'm doing horrible today. I've had the worst thing happen to me...," or "I'm not doing very well today because..." Of course not. You want to be nice, to sound interested, but overall, you really don't want to hear about how bad someone's day is, it becomes mutually depressing. I'm all for avoiding depression, but then what do you do when you REALLY are having a crappy day? How do you answer honestly, while not totally dragging someone else down?

If you're me, you retreat. I love food and movies and sleep. These things don't judge you. They don't mind that you've had a bad day, they always welcome you with open arms. They provide comfort on some level. I know now that it's like trying to be comforted by a fog or a vapor... it seems substantial, but in reality isn't.

In some twisted way, I also feel like I have to be happy all the time (in public anyway) so as not to disappoint people. For the most part I have that "funny fat guy" reputation and for good reason - it worked. It made people comfortable around me and made them want to be friends with me, which is also what I wanted. But it comes with a price - I have to sacrifice the other part of myself which has bad days but won't be admitted. It's weird, but I think not being able to be honest with the fact that I do have bad days makes me feel like I'm negating a part of myself and consequently, effects everything else about my life. Like I'm not really living as a whole person. I don't know if that even makes sense or not. I'm not really able to describe it, I guess.

Even as I re-read this, as I'm writing, I'm fighting a tremendous urge to apologize for being SO honest.

Why am I being so honest now? I guess I'm trying to be different - to embrace the part of myself I usually shun. I guess I'm also hoping I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's tough putting how I really feel "out there," but if other people can relate, then it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Maybe I should start a support group for people who can't admit they have flaws...

Hello, my name is Micah Foster and I have bad days. I am not happy every second of every day. I am not always funny. I am not always smart. I am not always a good listener. I am not always smiling... And I am learning that I don't need to apologize for being human.

Sunday School Screamer

2009-07-12T14:58:00.000-07:00

If I had not been there I would not have believed it.

We were having a wonderful lesson by our instructor, Erin Russell; the spirit was strong and everyone's comments were uplifting and appropriate. We were all enjoying the bask of the glow of peaceful contemplation when the five-minute warning bell rang out, shattering the quietude. Apparently, it was all too much for one young sister who, unable to contain her surprise, screamed out loud for full on twice as long as the bell rang. A brief moment to process what had happened so quickly and the class erupted in laughter. I tried to find the little banshee, but couldn't make out who she was.

I couldn't believe my ears, but I was there - I am a first-hand witness to the Sunday School Screamer. Maybe they should think about changing the sound of the bell...

Best. Sunday School. Ever.

The word is....

2009-06-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

Anthropomorphize. That's the word that means giving human traits to non-human things!!

Back online!!!

2009-06-20T18:43:00.000-07:00

Woohoo!!!

So, my computer crashed over a week ago - Thursday June 11th to be exact. (I now hate Thursday June 11th. Thursday June 11th is dead to me! I spit on you, Thursday June 11th!!! phthth!) I felt completely immobilized. Usually, when I come home from work, I'd tap the little power button and wait for it to boot up, then surf the net for the rest of the evening. After it crashed, I came home and was lost. I was like,"what am I supposed to do now? Watch tv? Watch a movie? Read a book? What?!?"

Fortunately, I know a guy. A couple of guys actually; one who gave it a valiant effort - which I totally appreciate. And the other who was able to track the problem down and fix it! (BTW, if you ever need your computer fixed, I know a guy! I've always wanted to say that!!)

I'm wondering if my computer heard me say that I don't check my email and was mad at me...? Naaaah. I don't know why I have this deep-seated desire to humanize every inanimate object around me. Isn't there a word for that? Anyway, I'm back online and I will be checking my email, but since it's been over a week, it may take me a while to get up to speed. I'm just happy to be back online and want to reiterate that I HEART THE INTERWEB!!!

Cutest. Squash. Ever.

2009-06-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

Don't you agree?

And it was SOOOOO tasty!!! >:) Hehehehehe...

Do I check my email...?

2009-06-04T19:22:00.001-07:00

No.

I always tell people the best way to get a hold of me is via email. I do that so I limit the number of people I have to talk to in a day. When I talk on the phone all day to people, that's the last thing I want to do when I get home. What I fail to accept is that I am also on my computer all day doing everything via email, so when I get home, that is the second to last thing I want to do.

What's the take home message here? If you call me and leave me a message and I don't call you back... it means I don't want to talk to you. If I tell you to email me, it means I don't want to talk to you. Basically, just leave me alone in general and we'll be tight!

Okay, okay... some of you might be wondering if I'm kidding or if I really am that anti-social... maybe a little of both!! :)

Sorry peeps! I'll try to be better and watching my email... gggrrrr...

I served the prophet!

2009-06-01T19:22:00.000-07:00

Reader's digest version - on Sunday I had the honor of serving the sacrament to President Monson.

Here's the rest of the story:
My calling is to be a co-chair for the Highland Care Center, a long-term care facility within my stake boundaries. (For those of you who don't know, I live about a block and a half from President Monson, so I am in his home Stake; I would be in his home ward, except that I go to a singles ward...) Every 4th (and 5th Sunday if it occurs) my co-chair and I are responsible for putting together the Sacrament Meeting program for those at the Care Center. It's pretty simple, opening and closing prayers, a talk, a musical number, and Elders to help bless and pass the sacrament.

Now it's not unusual for Pres. Monson to pop in unannounced, or so I'm told. Being that most of the elderly there are from the area, he knows quite a few of them and he loves to visit. But in my 8 months in this calling I would hear over and over how he "showed up last week - you should have been here..." But he's never come when it was our ward's turn to do the program. Until yesterday.

Incidentally, that morning, our talk-giver backed out. My co-chair, Amber, put together a fantastic talk - from one of Pres. Monson's talks. Also, a few days before Sunday our musical number backed out and I was inches away from offering to sing a hymn... fortunately, I was spared when a family member of one of the residents showed up and offered to sing instead. One of our Elders didn't show, so I had to sit in to serve the sacrament, which I don't usually do. At this point no one knew President Monson would be there. Just as we're about the sing the opening hymn, in walks the Prophet and takes his usual seat at the front. A flutter of excitement spread through the room (well, among those that are coherent anyway). I tried to act nonchalant, but I think I did raise my eyebrows quite a bit more chalant-ly than I wanted too. Anyway, As we were singing the hymn, I realized that because of where I was sitting, I would be serving the sacrament to the Prophet. As far as the action itself goes - it wasn't anything special - he takes the sacrament just like anyone else would, obviously. But I did feel that it was an honor for me to be there.

He was so funny! After our program he stood and spoke for about 20 minutes. He was very down to earth and I could tell that he loved those people very much. He even played a (VERY) short little song on the piano and sang the little tune. It was great! I think one of the things that struck me was that even though he was a little more casual than usual, he never lost that "feeling" of being the Prophet. I could feel it emanating from him. I never realized how "tangible" that feeling could be. I just knew, as I still know, that he is the Prophet that God has chosen to be His instrument, mouth piece, and example for the Church today.

I had hoped to be able to stick around after and shake his hand, but part of the calling is wheeling residents to and from their rooms. But I thought later, I didn't need to shake his hand or meet him. I had served him and had the spirit confirm to me that he is the Prophet. What more do I need? :)